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libra_travellerTitle: Face to Face
Author: libra_traveller
Sequel: True Voice
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Rodney’s depressed, John confronts him, Rodney spills, John confesses, happy ending.
Author’s Note: This is for everyone who asked for a sequel.
The curtains were closed in the room, the lights turned low, silence ruled the room. Rodney sat on his bed, knees to his chest, staring at the wall across from him. He had been like that for seven hours, ever since he had been released from the infirmary. In his mind all he could see was the John he had met in his coma, the one that smiled genuinely at him, who took care of him. In counter to that image was the sound of John’s voice, the one that was just his friend, who cared, but not as much as Rodney needed.
It hurt more than it should of, to wake up, to realize how much he had lost by the simple act of opening his eyes. He felt lost, forgotten. Rodney had woken up in the infirmary unsure if this time it was for real. The difference was clear, John was not present, and he never did return for the two days Carson kept him in the infirmary. So Rodney went to his quarters alone, sat on his bed, and waited. Waited to return to that world where he was happy, where he was not alone, where he had someone to love him. Except it did not work, he closed his eyes, and could not sleep, and knew if he did he would wake up again, and he wanted to stay asleep, to be with the one he loved.
The worse part was wondering if his feelings were real. Did he care for someone that did not even exist? Was it John he fell for or his imagination of who John is? Did it matter? It was not like he would ever get a chance to be with this John, he will only be able to care for him from afar. It felt crazy, that he loved someone only in his head and yet his heart ached, thinking of that person. He felt like he could never love someone else, never have as great a connection as he had alone in his mind.
What was the point of existing, being without happiness? He knew now that without John he could never enjoy life, and there was no purpose to living. But he would continue living, continue serving the greater goal, but it would never satisfy, never be enough.
A tentative knock shattered the silence. Rodney barely blinked, hunching further over his knees. The last thing he wanted was company. The next knock was more insistent, and Rodney shook his head, not answering. Banging finally shook him out of his reverie, and he shakily got to his feet, standing near the door and telling Atlantis to open it. It surprised him to see John standing on the other side of the door.
“What are you doing here?” Rodney felt confused.
“Can I come in?” John sounded worried but also a little bit sad.
“Sure, why not?” Rodney turned the lights on and sat back on his bed. It felt like last time, how John came to his quarters and admitted his feelings. But that had not really happened, had it? So what did this John want to talk about, what could be so important that he had to see him?
This time, John did not sit, he paced, back and forth, glancing at Rodney every other step. Finally he stilled, standing with his hands on his hips, trying to appear calm, failing terribly. “I don’t know where to start. Something’s wrong, with you, I can tell, and it has something to do with what went on in your head while you were in that coma. But when you woke up you barely looked at me, and that hurt so much, I just left. I know I should have visited you after that, but well, I was afraid, to find out what had upset you so much.” John made eye contact after saying all this. “Please tell me what’s going on.”
Rodney’s whole body shuddered. “I can’t. I can’t tell you, it hurts too much. And it’ll just make things worse. Because no matter what I want, no matter what I say, I’ll never get back what I lost.” Rodney lay on his bed his back to John, curled up, shaking.
John closed his eyes and scrunched his face, reaching inside for strength. He looked at Rodney and whispered. “Rodney, you’re scaring me, please turn around. You have to tell me, there has to be something I can do to help. Let me help you, god, please.”
“Go away, I want him back, and you’re not him.” Rodney wiped the tears out of his eyes, his back still to John.
“Not who? Who do you want back?” John kneeled on the floor, reaching his hand to place it on Rodney’s side, feeling the shaking.
“You. It was you, I imagined you, being there for me, caring for me… loving me. But it wasn’t real. It’s too much pain, losing that love, I can’t stand it. I don’t know what to do.” Rodney turned around and looked to John. “I wanted you. I loved you, and it wasn’t real!”
John stood up and scooped Rodney into his arms. He did not know what else to do. Rodney stiffened up, clenching his fists, straining against his emotions, trying desperately not to break down. He just would not, he could not cry in the arms of this man, this person for a moment in time he had loved but who did not love him.
“No, let me go, just let me go. It’s not you, it’s not. I want him back, give me him back. Please.” Rodney pushed at John, but John would not let go.
“It is me. It is. You would never imagine me being someone I’m not, you’re such a realistic person, even in your head, you’d make up a person based on who they really are.” John gulped. “If you fell in love with me, then it was the real me.”
“Doesn’t mean that you really love me, does it?” Rodney shook his head, eyes closed tight, voice rough.
“Yes it does. Do you know how worried and upset I was, that you wouldn’t wake up, that we could have lost you, over something so stupid as a rock. I almost lost you to a rock the sized of my fist. I almost lost you, damn it.” John took his hand and rubbed it on the back of Rodney’s head, trying to calm him, or maybe himself.
“You care about people, so what, that doesn’t make me special, doesn’t mean you love me.” Rodney couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
“Maybe it doesn’t mean that, but there are other things that do. I love hearing you talk, about anything, I could listen to you forever. I love your hands, how they move. I love your face, how expressive it is. I love how smart you are, not your knowledge, but the way you can use it. I love your wit, your personality, your looks, everything. God damn it Rodney, I love you.” John kissed the top of Rodney’s head.
Rodney pulled away to look in John’s eyes, that were filled with tears, and did not speak.
“You didn’t lose me, you have me. You have me.” John rubbed Rodney’s back, trying to convey how much he felt.
Rodney leaned up and kissed him, caressing John’s lips with his own. “Okay.”
Author: libra_traveller
Sequel: True Voice
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Rodney’s depressed, John confronts him, Rodney spills, John confesses, happy ending.
Author’s Note: This is for everyone who asked for a sequel.
The curtains were closed in the room, the lights turned low, silence ruled the room. Rodney sat on his bed, knees to his chest, staring at the wall across from him. He had been like that for seven hours, ever since he had been released from the infirmary. In his mind all he could see was the John he had met in his coma, the one that smiled genuinely at him, who took care of him. In counter to that image was the sound of John’s voice, the one that was just his friend, who cared, but not as much as Rodney needed.
It hurt more than it should of, to wake up, to realize how much he had lost by the simple act of opening his eyes. He felt lost, forgotten. Rodney had woken up in the infirmary unsure if this time it was for real. The difference was clear, John was not present, and he never did return for the two days Carson kept him in the infirmary. So Rodney went to his quarters alone, sat on his bed, and waited. Waited to return to that world where he was happy, where he was not alone, where he had someone to love him. Except it did not work, he closed his eyes, and could not sleep, and knew if he did he would wake up again, and he wanted to stay asleep, to be with the one he loved.
The worse part was wondering if his feelings were real. Did he care for someone that did not even exist? Was it John he fell for or his imagination of who John is? Did it matter? It was not like he would ever get a chance to be with this John, he will only be able to care for him from afar. It felt crazy, that he loved someone only in his head and yet his heart ached, thinking of that person. He felt like he could never love someone else, never have as great a connection as he had alone in his mind.
What was the point of existing, being without happiness? He knew now that without John he could never enjoy life, and there was no purpose to living. But he would continue living, continue serving the greater goal, but it would never satisfy, never be enough.
A tentative knock shattered the silence. Rodney barely blinked, hunching further over his knees. The last thing he wanted was company. The next knock was more insistent, and Rodney shook his head, not answering. Banging finally shook him out of his reverie, and he shakily got to his feet, standing near the door and telling Atlantis to open it. It surprised him to see John standing on the other side of the door.
“What are you doing here?” Rodney felt confused.
“Can I come in?” John sounded worried but also a little bit sad.
“Sure, why not?” Rodney turned the lights on and sat back on his bed. It felt like last time, how John came to his quarters and admitted his feelings. But that had not really happened, had it? So what did this John want to talk about, what could be so important that he had to see him?
This time, John did not sit, he paced, back and forth, glancing at Rodney every other step. Finally he stilled, standing with his hands on his hips, trying to appear calm, failing terribly. “I don’t know where to start. Something’s wrong, with you, I can tell, and it has something to do with what went on in your head while you were in that coma. But when you woke up you barely looked at me, and that hurt so much, I just left. I know I should have visited you after that, but well, I was afraid, to find out what had upset you so much.” John made eye contact after saying all this. “Please tell me what’s going on.”
Rodney’s whole body shuddered. “I can’t. I can’t tell you, it hurts too much. And it’ll just make things worse. Because no matter what I want, no matter what I say, I’ll never get back what I lost.” Rodney lay on his bed his back to John, curled up, shaking.
John closed his eyes and scrunched his face, reaching inside for strength. He looked at Rodney and whispered. “Rodney, you’re scaring me, please turn around. You have to tell me, there has to be something I can do to help. Let me help you, god, please.”
“Go away, I want him back, and you’re not him.” Rodney wiped the tears out of his eyes, his back still to John.
“Not who? Who do you want back?” John kneeled on the floor, reaching his hand to place it on Rodney’s side, feeling the shaking.
“You. It was you, I imagined you, being there for me, caring for me… loving me. But it wasn’t real. It’s too much pain, losing that love, I can’t stand it. I don’t know what to do.” Rodney turned around and looked to John. “I wanted you. I loved you, and it wasn’t real!”
John stood up and scooped Rodney into his arms. He did not know what else to do. Rodney stiffened up, clenching his fists, straining against his emotions, trying desperately not to break down. He just would not, he could not cry in the arms of this man, this person for a moment in time he had loved but who did not love him.
“No, let me go, just let me go. It’s not you, it’s not. I want him back, give me him back. Please.” Rodney pushed at John, but John would not let go.
“It is me. It is. You would never imagine me being someone I’m not, you’re such a realistic person, even in your head, you’d make up a person based on who they really are.” John gulped. “If you fell in love with me, then it was the real me.”
“Doesn’t mean that you really love me, does it?” Rodney shook his head, eyes closed tight, voice rough.
“Yes it does. Do you know how worried and upset I was, that you wouldn’t wake up, that we could have lost you, over something so stupid as a rock. I almost lost you to a rock the sized of my fist. I almost lost you, damn it.” John took his hand and rubbed it on the back of Rodney’s head, trying to calm him, or maybe himself.
“You care about people, so what, that doesn’t make me special, doesn’t mean you love me.” Rodney couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
“Maybe it doesn’t mean that, but there are other things that do. I love hearing you talk, about anything, I could listen to you forever. I love your hands, how they move. I love your face, how expressive it is. I love how smart you are, not your knowledge, but the way you can use it. I love your wit, your personality, your looks, everything. God damn it Rodney, I love you.” John kissed the top of Rodney’s head.
Rodney pulled away to look in John’s eyes, that were filled with tears, and did not speak.
“You didn’t lose me, you have me. You have me.” John rubbed Rodney’s back, trying to convey how much he felt.
Rodney leaned up and kissed him, caressing John’s lips with his own. “Okay.”
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no subject
on 2006-08-29 12:49 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 01:27 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 01:37 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 02:26 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 03:33 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 05:31 am (UTC)If you'd like to know why you lost me, please let me know. In general I like your stuff, and I was excited that there was more to this one.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
no subject
on 2006-08-29 12:56 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-29 02:18 pm (UTC)I just can't see John standing up and scooping Rodney into his arms. First of all, even John isn't that strong, 'cause Rodney's pretty big, and secondly, that's just not something I could see John doing. Of course, the second one is a difference in opinion about the character, and since it's your story, you are (of course) free to see John doing whatever you want. ^_^
The other thing is that guys rarely talk about their emotions/feelings as long or as eloquently as you have them doing. I can see them thinking all of things you have written, but I think saying them would be a little more hard won, and it wouldn't come out all at once.
And it may be that this one story is one that a lot of people like the feel of, and I just don't get into. *shrugs* It's been known to happen. But that's what I saw. I hope it was constructive enough. *worries*
no subject
on 2006-08-29 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-30 02:17 am (UTC)I think you're right, it is sexist to always write guys unable to share their feelings (my boyfriend does a fine job, when he wants to), and I think Rodney would be better at it than John. *shrugs*
In retrospect I should have just kept my mouth shut. Sorry.
no subject
on 2006-08-30 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-08-30 12:59 pm (UTC)