Fic: Anguish

[libra_traveller]

Title: Anguish

Author: libra_traveller

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Non-con, Suicide attempt

Summary: Rodney McKay and John Sheppard are tortured and raped, and forced to rape each other as a means of breaking them. Can their friendship survive?

Author's Note: Tis the season for angst.

 

***

I always thought life could never be this bad. I was taught how to survive, and though we are both alive, we are dying inside little by little. For one day we were stuck in this cell by ourselves, thirsty, hungry, and cold. The cement was hard and freezing to the touch. We were stuffed in a room the size of my closet when I was back on Earth. There was no leg room and we could only kneel or we would hit our heads. My limbs were so cramped I had tears in my eyes.

Looking back, that first day was bliss in comparison to the rest. We chatted awhile, making bets on how long before our team would rescue us. We huddled trying to keep warm. I fell asleep to his snores.

The second day we were marched into an office room where we met the three aliens that had us captured. They were all full of so much rage, I was scared. Instead of talking, they put a sheet of paper in front of us. It was a list of names. Some of them had the word 'missing' next to them, others the word 'captured'. Some were simply names of the dead. I looked them in the face and knew that the wraith had done this, and that they were blaming us. We were put back in our cells. It hit me hard, proof of what I had caused. That whole day I felt unbelievable guilt. The pain in my muscles and stomach did not matter, only those names.

It was the third day that I realized how much trouble we were in. We were not going to be killed like he thought. That would be too easy. This would be so much worse. When they took us out of the cell and made us lie down in a bigger room that was just as dank, it suddenly hit me what they were going to do to us. I was wrong though. The man pulled one of my guns on me. He fired and I flinched at the sound, but I felt nothing. I looked to my left and saw the blood puddle in my teammate's leg. The screams echoed in the room. He could barely pull in enough oxygen to continue. I felt dampness on my cheeks. They knew it was my fault that their people were dead and were hurting me through him.

They threw him into the cell as he could barely stand. I let him lie down and kneeled at his head. I stroked his hair but he did not feel it as he had lost consciousness. While he was asleep I ripped up my shirt and wrapped up his leg.

The fourth day they gave us bread and water. They wanted us alive and awake for what was to come.

The fifth day is when the fun began. There were two men with us in the dank room. I could see in their eyes that they were not going to let me go unharmed this time. I watched as one man pointed a gun to the left where my teammate stood on his good leg. The other man pushed me to the floor and yanked down my pants and boxers. My cock was squeezed until I screamed out in pain. A shot rang out and I shut up, looking in a panic at him, but he shook his head and I saw the gun pointed up. Today they did not want to hear the screams, wanted to just see it in my eyes. The man gagged me. He pulled off my boots and pants and boxers. Then he grabbed my legs and pushed them to either side of his knees. Unexpectedly he pushed a filthy finger up my ass. It felt so strange I did not know what to think. When the man did not get a reaction out of me, my arms were limp, the man's pants came down. A huge penis was revealed and I screamed through the gag. That got a smile. Without any preparation the penis went to my hole and was forced through. The pain shocked me, and my mind went numb. All I could think about was the feel of it stretching me and how much it burned. Peripherally I heard him begging them to stop. While that pole continue to push into me, my cock was stimulated by the man's hand. I felt betrayed when my cock hardened. In the next moment a wave of pleasure rushed through me. I wanted to hate that my body could be manipulated like this, but the pain had been overcome and I had never been more happy to be a man with a prostate. When the semen gushed over my prostate, I came, and it was a relief, because it meant it was over.

The sixth day was the same as the fourth. We were alone and they fed us. We did not talk. We never did. What was the point? My ass hurt and my tongue had bled when I had bit into it after the gag was removed, making it throb painfully. I rested my head on his shoulder and he rubbed my back. I wish it had helped, but nothing could.

Day seven was his turn. This time I watched as the same thing that happened to me happened to him. The difference? They did not gag him. I could hear his heart wrenching screams. They did not make him come though. When I tried to fight they threatened to cut his penis off. I still struggled and then could only gape as they took a knife towards him. The screams got higher, but it was only a nick.

The eighth day was the worst. They had enough fun on their own. They stripped us both and told us to have sex. This was my best friend, that though I cared about him, I never thought of him in a romantic light. At first I refused, but then they pushed him down and put a knife through his hand. They said they would cut off his fingers if I did not fuck him. I carefully laid down and stroked his cheek. He had not screamed at the knife, already in so much pain I doubt it registered. I tried to think of someone else, but could only see him. He saw my problem and touched me. In his eyes I could see that he was going to think of someone else and that I could too. He closed his eyes and I did the same. I touched myself, and it took forever before I could get past the fear and pain. As soon as I hardened I put his legs above my shoulders and slid past the crusted blood into him. He screamed, but I ignored it. I moved to the music in my head, an endless cry of 'no'. I tentatively reached down and touched his penis, at some point his fantasy had taken over and he had gotten interested. When I came, he came and in that moment I thought, just maybe we could get through this.

Day nine we could not even look at each other. That was the day we were rescued. We had no clothes on and emergency blankets were wrapped around both of us. We returned home to cheers. I threw up on someone's shoes.

The first day in the infirmary felt just as invasive and painful as the days captured. I let the doctors do their job though.

The second day we talked to the shrink, separately. I explained everything they had made us do, while sitting in the bed with a curtain around it. When she asked what emotions I felt, I told the truth. She left me to talk to him. He had his hand and leg stitched up nice, but he refused to talk to her.

The third day he finally broke down. I could hear him crying. I moved off the bed and went to his. I held his hand. He fell asleep gripping mine.

The next day I was allowed into my room, alone. I tried to sleep but kept having nightmares. This is how it went for a week until he was allowed to his room. I visited him, but he would barely look me in the face. When I finally caught his eye, I saw misery and a broken friendship.

I barricaded myself in my room.

I looked up at the ceiling from the floor and thought about my life. The only thing that came to mind was this philosophical thought I had in college. To live freely is to die. Twenty days ago I never wanted to be free. I liked life. It was not always perfect, often it was excruciatingly painful, but it was enough to breathe, to have friends. For eight days I was tortured and raped, made to rape my best friend. We are no longer friends, such an experience can only break you. I loved him. Friends are things you cherish. I know I am a victim, I understand that, but I want to be free of all the pain, both the physical reminders and the emotional ones. So this is the end.

Eighteen pills of tylenol was enough to kill me. One of the doctors gave me them for the pain. He should have known better. My mind feels fuzzy, the world escaping me. I think, I forgot to write a note, but then everyone already knows the reason.

The door opens and I see him, he stumbles on his crutches to where I am stretched out on the floor. He grabs my hand and tells me to hold on, not to give up. I look up at him, and he sees in my eyes, I mean this, this chance to end this. His eyes fill up with tears and I wish he could be free too. I can see him almost let me go, but then that stubborn streak of his shines through and he yells into the com, telling someone I swallowed pills. I hear a voice telling him to keep me awake, though I do not know what good it would do.

He grips my hand and I black out to the feeling of his hand on my forehead, and his soothing litany of words.

I wake up to a sore throat. I am still alive so I know my stomach had been pumped. I do not know what to think. I had been so ready to die, but at that last moment, I had fought against it. I glance to the side and see him sitting by the bed. Perhaps freedom is overrated.

Comments

[murdocsangel.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was an amazing fic. Now I feel bad that I didn't write anything. I'm also a bit upset that my nephew turned my computer off. And this fic has made me depressed...


♥

M.A.

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

I loved to death your icon! The whole squirrel thing is just so funny. DN is a hoot, and it's cool that it's gotten into your head. Did I ever tell you how a squirrel was chewing on wires in my attic when I lived in Ohio and set the house on fire, so the owners of the house kicked us out? It was all the squirrel's fault!

Thanks for commenting on my story, I was afraid it wasn't that good, probably because I didn't have you there to cheerlead me on. Oh hope I got the story you wanted. Not exactly what I had in mine when I started.

I hope the whole not having any dialogue or names mentioned worked.
In case it is not obvious, I had John in mind for the point of view. It was a pain to make sure that the men were always referred to as the man or them. But it was going for a certain effect.

I think I felt really sad after writing it, it is a depressing story. But I'm glad my first foray into that type of story turned out well.

[amalthia]

Hi I really enjoyed your story and I thought you might like to archive it at the Angst Archive?

Your story fits archive criteria and I'd love to host it.

Best regards,
Amalthia

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

Oh that'd be really cool! Yeah go ahead. I didn't even know there was an Angst Archive, I'll have to check that out.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.