Fic: I'm Not Broken

[libra_traveller]

Title: I’m Not Broken

Author: libra_traveller

Rating: R

Summary: An Ancient experiment into the psyche has a detrimental effect on a human ten thousand years later.

Word Count: 10,000+

Disclaimer: SGA does not belong to me, and the use of Evanescence's song is merely to add to the mood of the story.

Author’s Note: Research was done about Dissociative Identity Disorder using an article by the Sidran Institute. Website

Betaed by my wonderful sister.

 

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

- ‘Hello’ by Evanescence

Ten thousand years ago, the Lantians were trying to find a way to move beyond the body and reach an elevated mental state. In the process of searching for the key to their ascension many of their scientists researched the brain. One scientist named Laurell Yasman studied the connection in the brain between what Freud would later call the Id, Ego, and Super Ego. She found a way to disconnect the Ego from the Super Ego. With the brain no longer having the Super Ego controlling the Ego, the Ego split itself into separate entities, each one having control over a different aspect of the mind’s personality. The device that did this was never given a name, and was later forgotten when ascension was developed by other scientists. It was one of many such devices that were abandoned when the Lantians escaped back to Earth.

***

Dr. Rodney McKay sat on a stool by himself in the lab, his shoulders slouched as he leaned over an Ancient device. All the other scientists had left to eat lunch. Rodney loved this part of the day because he could work free of interruptions. This one device had flummoxed everyone who worked on it, and he wanted to be the first to figure it out. Before working on the device, Rodney had searched for information on it in the Ancient database. He found a picture but nothing else.

The device itself was round, coming up to a point in the middle. The squares etched around it made it look like the device was meant to light up. Rodney turned the device over where there was an inconspicuous tab. He opened it up and inside were miniature flat crystals. He tried rearranging them based on the sound frequencies that they made when moved as recorded when hooked up to his computer.

The crystals began humming incessantly with his last arrangement so he turned it over, hoping he would finally discover what this device did. He watched as the lights around the object began to flicker. Rodney wore goggles for safety reasons as too many of the Ancient devices had a tendency to blow up. Unfortunately the goggles did not protect him when the point in the middle of the device delivered a laser that went straight to his forehead and through to his brain.

Rodney passed out for a few minutes, awakening after the laser had stopped. His eyes looked around the room in confusion, he could not remember what had occurred. He looked down on the device and it was dead. Deciding to give up on it he put it away with all the other devices that none of the scientists could make work. Then he left to eat a late lunch.

***

During the briefing for the next mission, Rodney had trouble following the conversation. He would hear snippets of what was being said, but none of it made sense. It was as if he were missing an important point. The night before he had trouble sleeping. He decided that might account for his confusion today. When the briefing was over he was still unsure of what the next mission would entail. In his quarters he went over the briefing in his head, but there were blanks in his memory. It disturbed him a little.

As the mission would be the next morning he decided to go visit Colonel John Sheppard. Rodney knew that Sheppard would know all the details of the mission for tomorrow. He left his room and walked down the hallway. Sheppard’s room was not that far from his. Rodney was a bit nervous to admit that he had not been focused during the briefing, but he knocked quickly before he changed his mind. Sheppard opened the door letting him into the room.

“Sorry to bother you,” Rodney started off. “It’s just today at the briefing, I was tired and may have missed out on some important points. Do you think you could explain to me the agenda for our mission tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure, I thought you were a little out of it.” John felt concerned but figured everyone had a bad day once in awhile. At least McKay was responsible enough to admit he needed more information.. John sat down on his bed and gestured for Rodney to take the chair at the desk. “Basically it’s just a scouting mission. There are no people, or energy sources. I think Elizabeth is trying to spread around the boring missions and it was our turn. The climate of the planet seemed tame so that should not be a problem. There will be some walking involved, but nothing strenuous. That’s about it. Nothing to worry about.”

“Why am I even needed on this mission?” Rodney huffed.

“See that’s why people were giving you looks, they expected you to respond. Too late now. With not saying anything you practically agreed. Sorry. Besides, consider it to be a chance for fresh air.” John reached over and patted him on the shoulder.

“Yeah. Thanks. Okay, see you tomorrow.” Rodney left quickly, he could sense John was about to ask him what was bothering him, and honestly he did not know.

***

The mission was as dull as was expected and it took no time at all. There was nothing of note on the planet besides some birds and lizards. The debriefing went well and Rodney was his normal pre-occupied self both throughout the mission and the debriefing. He felt comfortable and able to concentrate easily.

In the lab, Rodney was working on some device that his scientists thought could be a communication prototype. The hypothesis was that it would allow people to hold conversations from different planets without the use of the Stargate. He immersed himself in his work to the point that he did not notice the people around him.

Rodney started to feel a part of himself drift off while he was working. He could still see himself scanning the device, and typing down calculations and results. His mind though went somewhere else, a place that was calm and peaceful. He felt no need to fight the pull as a part of his brain fell asleep.

It was a couple hours later that he came back to himself. He was no longer working on the device, but instead writing something in his laptop. He read it over and it looked like gibberish. There were words, but they made no logical sense. Rodney deleted it quickly, afraid of what it meant. It was late at night and everyone had already gone to bed. He closed everything up and went to his quarters.

That night he tossed and turned, but his mind would not let him sleep. After a couple hours of torment he finally drifted off. He woke later standing in the middle of a hallway. He had never sleep-walked before. As he was only in his boxers, he practically ran back to his room. It was early morning so he got dressed, afraid to fall back asleep. From now on he decided to sleep with a t-shirt on as well, just in case he sleep-walked again. He sat at his laptop in his lab and worked on some calculations until the rest of Atlantis woke up.

***

A couple days later the team went on another mission to meet some potential traders. They ran into an ambush set up by the natives that associated the Wraith plight with the emergence of the Atlantians. Colonel Sheppard ordered a retreat while firing his P-90 in the direction of their ambushers. This caused the people to slow down a bit, but then they continued advancing towards them with sticks. Some of them were farther in the woods with bows and arrows.

Rodney was frightened and when he felt something inside his head pushing him away he let go. In his place was a different man that took his gun and began mercilessly shooting anyone near him in the head. He ran while firing, never missing a shot. The team quickly made it to their Puddle-Jumper and flew back through the gate.

At the debriefing, Colonel Sheppard was still in shock from watching McKay kill seven men. Dr. Elizabeth Weir asked for a report and Teyla and Ronon explained the ambush and how they fought to get away. Sheppard contributed while glancing at McKay.

Weir asked, “Rodney is there anything you would like to add?”

“What? No, I, um, no. I think they got it all.” Rodney looked flustered.

“Alright, that’s it, go get cleaned up.” The team left, John catching up to Rodney.

“Rodney, what happened back there? I’ve never seen you so, callous.” John could not help sounding so surprised and a little bit in awe.

Rodney was still trying to figure out what happened. Callous, what did he do? For a second he just stood there then he whispered, “I don’t remember.”

“What? Don’t remember what?” John was confused.

“I don’t remember anything that happened after we were ambushed. It’s a complete blank.” Rodney was wringing his hands.

“Okay, maybe you should talk to Heightmeyer about this. This is not normal for you.” John no longer felt proud of him, simply worried for him.

“Maybe you’re right. Yeah, I’ll see her.” Rodney nodded and walked away. John watched him leave.

***

In Kate Heightmeyer’s office, Atlantis’s psychologist, Rodney McKay was fidgeting. He always hated being in her office as it reminded him of all the embarrassing things he had told her in his previous sessions.

Kate sat in the chair across from him. “Rodney, what’s wrong, I know there’s a reason you decided to set up this appointment, what is it?”

“That’s the problem, there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is.” Rodney could barely look her in the eye.

“When did this problem start, maybe we can trace back from where it began.” Kate looked concerned but confused.

“A few days ago. I’ve started having problems sleeping. I actually walked in my sleep once. And during the day, I keep fading.” Rodney watched his hands in his lap, they were perfectly still, something his mind was not.

“What do you mean, fading?” Kate was writing what he said in her notebook.

“Like I keep drifting off. In a briefing a couple days ago my concentration was off and I could only hear parts of the conversation. I guess I was daydreaming, but I haven’t daydreamed since I was a child. And in the lab, I was working, and I just drifted off, I was still working, but it was like I was asleep. And when I woke up I had finished working and was in the middle of typing something on my computer. None of the words made sense. And then in the field, there was an ambush and I was so scared I just let my mind go elsewhere. I don’t remember how we got away.” Rodney took a deep breath.

“This sounds serious. I’m going to prescribe you some sleeping pills. That should help but the rest we are going have to work out. It could just be that your subconscious is taking over because you are not getting enough sleep, but there are other less pleasant possibilities. I think it would be best for now if you stopped going on missions until we can determine what’s wrong.” Kate stood up and went to her desk, writing out a prescription for him to take to the infirmary. She handed it to Rodney.

“I was afraid of that. Frankly I don’t want to go on missions and then not remember them. I can still work in the lab though?” Rodney looked hopeful.

“I don’t see why not, but make sure to get enough sleep. If you feel yourself fading again, set up another appointment with me.”

“Alright.” Rodney McKay walked out of the office and down to the infirmary. Hoping to find a nurse and not run into Doctor Carson Beckett, he quietly walked through the infirmary doors. He went to a nurse and got the sleeping pills. He put them away in his room and went to the lab.

He wanted to put his full attention into his work but was afraid what would happen. He made sure to listen to the other scientists while working to see if that would keep him from fading again. It seemed to work and he was thankful. He went to his quarters, took one of the pills and slept.

He woke up from a terrible nightmare, but he could not remember what he dreamed of. He was drenched in sweat, so he took a shower. The pills had made him sleep for seven hours even with the nightmare. He decided to get back to work early.

***

The whole day in his lab he felt depressed, like there was no point in working, that he would never accomplish anything. If he had not felt so miserable he might have realized that this type of thinking was odd for him. He normally felt confident about his ability to fix things. He was a successful scientist, but today he felt like he was not important.

When one of the scientists came to him with their work, he would normally have berated them, but he did not feel into it. It was only when he actually read the data and conclusions made that he felt a strange rage. It pushed at him and flung him away back to the calm and peaceful place.

McKay sneered at the woman. “You ugly piece of shit. I cannot believe that we allowed you to come to Atlantis, you have the intelligence of a dung beetle. How can you possibly take this data and come up with that ludicrous conclusion. What did you use, your ass?! Get away from me, I’m giving this project to someone else, you’re obviously not smart enough to work on it.”

The scientist marched away muttering threats. Radek Zelenka who had been nearby was shocked. McKay had never been so cruel, insulting yes, but not cruel.

“Rodney?” Radek’s voice was wary.

“Radek? Um, what was I doing?” Rodney had been forced out of that calm place and was confused by the stare Zelenka was giving him.

“You were just tearing to pieces Jermone’s work in a cruel manner unlike yourself.” Zelenka was concerned when he saw none of this register in Rodney’s eyes.

“Really. I don’t remember. Um, I have somewhere to be, later.” Rodney practically ran out of the lab and down to Heightmeyer’s office. He knocked and she let him in. Luckily her last appointment had already ended.

“Rodney, what’s so urgent?” Kate looked through her various notebooks and found the one on McKay.

“It happened again.” Rodney looked her in the eye, begging her to help him.

“Did you try the sleeping pills?” Kate asked.

“Yes, and not the sleep-walking thing, the fading bit. I was in the lab looking over a colleague’s work and then I felt something and it pushed me away. When I got back Radek was telling me I was yelling at the Jermone about her work. I don’t remember that.” Rodney tried not to shout.

“Okay, calm down. I think we need to talk to Carson. I’m not allowed to prescribe anything more than sleeping pills, and I think we may need to try anti-psychotic pills.” Kate watched his reaction to this.

“You think I’m crazy?” Rodney voice went high.

“I think maybe this in the beginning signs of a mental disorder, yes.” Kate was already calling Carson to ask him to come down.

“Oh my god, I’ve gone insane. I knew being a genius it was possible to cross that line, but this, I never imagined it. What are we going to do? What do I have, is there a cure. Oh my god. I’ll never work again. No one wants a crazy person working with highly advanced technology.” Rodney was pacing the room.

“Take a deep breath Rodney. I’m sure we can fix whatever’s wrong. It might just take some time.” Kate touched his shoulders and steered him back into a chair.

“Right. Fixable. Good.”

***

Doctor Carson Beckett hurriedly walked to Heightmeyer’s office. When he arrived he found Rodney with his head in his hands, elbows to his knees. “What’s happened?”

“You tell him, I don’t want to go over it again,” Rodney said.

Kate looked down at her notes, then back at Carson. “Over the last few days Rodney has been experiencing some strange symptoms. He has had trouble sleeping, sleep-walking, and forgotten some things that has happened.” She looked at Rodney. “He felt as if someone else was controlling his actions.”

Beckett was concerned. “It sounds like he may be experiencing symptoms common to schizophrenia. It is treatable. We have some drugs that may help. Rodney are you willing to try them?”

“Anything.” Rodney looked up.

“All right, come with me, you’re going to have to stay in the infirmary for a couple days so we can monitor the effects of the drug on your blood pressure.”

“What?” Rodney was no longer sure he wanted to go through with it.

Carson saw the discomfort in Rodney‘s face. “Or, if you can promise to return to the infirmary twice a day, we can monitor it that way, and you can sleep in your own quarters and eat in the mess.”

“Right. I promise I will.“ Rodney’s shoulders slumped in relief, he hated the infirmary and the quickest way to get all of Atlantis to know there was something wrong with him was a stay in the infirmary.

Carson spoke with Kate and decided that they should inform Dr. Elizabeth Weir, the head of the Atlantis Mission.

***

Every few days the team would make sure to eat lunch together, to catch up with one another. Rodney was sitting with his team, Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon. They were all eating happily while telling everyone about their day. Rodney talked very little. He did not want to tell them about his problems sleeping or how in the last day he had begun hearing things. He had not even told Kate about the voices.

John could not stop glancing at Rodney. He could still see in his head Rodney’s face as he shot those men. He wondered if Rodney remembered yet. “Rodney how have you been lately, haven’t seen you since our last talk?” He tried to act subtle not wanting the rest of the team to know anything was wrong.

Rodney glanced up from the food he had not been eating. “Oh nothing much. Working in the lab, sleeping a lot.” He had not meant to say that last bit. Ever since Carson had given him the anti-psychotics he had been sleepy.

Teyla looked at Rodney. “Is this normal for you?” She was concerned, Rodney had not been to see her for training in awhile.

Ronon merely grunted as he ate his food. McKay had always been strange.

“Um, not really no. It’s just, I think I may have a cold,” Rodney lied.

John knew he was lying, but said, “That would cause you to sleep more. Hope you feel better soon.” That was the end of the conversation and Rodney felt relieved.

It was then that he heard a whisper from behind him. He could not make out the words, though it sounded eerily like his mother. “Excuse me.” Rodney left the table with his tray full of uneaten food.

***

Over the next couple of days Rodney continued to sleep a lot. He had no trouble while working in the lab, acting his normal self. Radek Zelenka was still concerned but kept it to himself.

When Rodney spent time with his team he acted strangely but had no trouble remembering what happened. His team worried for him, he was not himself when hanging with them. He was over polite, friendly and complimenting how they dealt with certain situations. None of them had any idea what could be happening to him.

Teyla went to Heightmeyer to express her concerns. Kate listened but could not break patient confidentiality and could only tell Teyla to tell her if there were anymore changes with Rodney.

It had gotten to the point that Kate thought Rodney was no longer being honest with her. When he went to their appointments he would only say that the drugs were helping him sleep and think clearly. There was something else bothering him but he would never say what.

Rodney continued hearing things, including his mother speaking to him about his friends and how to behave around them. His old physics professor would congratulate him on what he had accomplished in the lab. The other person he heard talking to him was an old friend from high school. He kept him company throughout the day. Rodney was actually happy to have these people talk to him so he did not tell Kate about them, childishly afraid she would make them go away.

At first when the different identities as he was calling them took over he was afraid to lose control. It took some time before he realized that they were still him and that they gave him a chance to be free from certain situations he felt incompetent around. He had never been good at chit chat and the whole friend bit. So whenever he was obligated to spend time with his team he would let this other identity who liked people and defined himself by who his friends were, take over. For awhile when this would happen he would be completely absent, but if he let it happen he could almost watch from afar to make sure he was not needed to answer a question or to participate in the conversation. He begun to switch easily and no one seemed to notice.

There were two other identities that he was not as comfortable with. There was the killer, and yes he had eventually remembered that day though he tried desperately to forget what it was like to pull the trigger on those men. There was also the cruel sarcastic person. He had always had an acerbic tongue, but he had often used it to pressure the scientists into being better. This guy just wanted to hurt them. He hated people no matter who they were, and he hated him. Rodney noticed that this part of himself liked to take control. He would rip Rodney away to somewhere else. It was like he never had any say. He had been fighting him while working in the lab, hoping he would not show. So far he had been quiet.

It was not yet to the point where Rodney wanted to name his other identities, but it was close. He worried if he gave them names then during his sessions with Kate he might mention them. Lately he had read up on Schizophrenia through documents Carson had given him and knew that was not his problem. Voices yes, but so much more than that. He actually enjoyed the company of the voices and the chances to float away the other identities gave him.

The only thing he did not like was that he was grounded from going on missions. He figured that if he kept the problems to himself maybe the order would be rescinded and he could go back out there. He just had to act like everything was okay.

***

“Something is wrong with him and we want to know what.” John Sheppard spoke for the rest of his team as well as Radek Zelenka. They had all gone to Carson Beckett in his office.

“It is not my place to tell you. We are not even sure what is wrong.” Carson tried to walk around them but they would not budge.

“What’s this ‘we’? Who else is ‘helping’ him?” John asked while putting his arm in front of the door.

Ronon crossed his arms in a threatening manner. Teyla’s eyes pleaded for information.

“Kate and I are working on it.” Carson said after looking at the Ronon and Teyla.

“Heightmeyer?” Radek was confused. “May we talk to her? Not to ask for information, but to share information. We have been noticing Rodney’s odd behavior and perhaps we can help with a… diagnosis?”

“Aye, that can be arranged. Now if you all would please…” Carson walked out of the room with some files in his arms. John followed him.

“He’s on my team, I deserve to know what is happening with him.” John stared him in the face.

“Fine. It is likely he has a mental disorder. Now if you don’t mind.” Carson walked away.

***

In Kate Heightmeyer’s office all the seats were taken up by Teyla, John, and Radek. Ronon was standing behind them.

“What have you four noticed about Rodney McKay?” Kate tried to relax in her seat but she was afraid that what they say will confirm her suspicions that Rodney was in fact getting worse.

Radek started first. “He does not act himself lately. In the lab, at times he is absorbed in his work to the point that he does not notice when someone speaks to him. At other times he has perfect control. It is as if when he speaks to someone about their work that he is afraid of what he will say. It is when we are the only two in the lab that worries me most. He talks to himself. No, he talks to someone else that is not there. One time I heard him mutter a name. These people that are not there… they comfort him. He smiles after he seems to hear them. I am too afraid to question him about them, but it has been going on for days.”

John was next. “When Rodney is around us he is like a different person. We would go to him to hang out and he would be normal. But after we are watching a movie or eating, he’s… I don’t know, nice? I’m not saying he’s never nice but usually he’s…”

“Sarcastic.” Teyla said.

Ronon spoke up. “He behaves as if he views the world differently than the Rodney we know. It is… disconcerting.”

This is what Kate thought they would say. “Okay, thank you all for your help. I will get back to you. This is very serious, and you all do have a right to know what’s happening to your friend, but it will be up to him whether or not we can tell you.” With that they were dismissed. They left feeling worse now that they knew that the others were noticing the same thing.

***

Rodney had been having a good day. He felt like everything was right in the world, that he could do anything. That he had other people in his head did not matter. He knew they were not other people but it felt that way sometimes, but it was okay. He had friends and he had his work, and today he just knew that it could only get better.

That lasted for all of a couple hours. Then he felt absolutely miserable. He was insane, no one would want to be friends with him. Soon he would not be allowed to work. Damn it. This world hated him. Even his other consciouses hated him. He wanted to end it right now.

That was when Kate knocked on the door to his room. The door opened and she found him huddled on the floor taking a razor to his wrist. She rushed in and pulled it out of his hand. Rodney let her, nothing mattered and there was no reason to fight.

“Rodney come with me. We need to talk.” Kate led him to the infirmary where Carson was waiting. They had him sit down on a bed. Kate walked away with Carson and told him what she found Rodney doing when she entered his room.

When they walked back towards Rodney he was laying curled up on the bed. “Rodney?” Carson asked. “Will you come with me to my office so we can talk without the nurses around? It will just be us three, you, Kate, and I.”

Rodney looked up and shrugged. Then he got off the bed and walked into Carson’s office. He sat down in the chair facing the desk. Kate sat next to him and Carson took the seat behind the desk.

Kate looked at Rodney and began. “I think you haven’t been honest with us, Rodney. We’re just trying to help. Please tell us everything you’ve been experiencing the last few days.”

“You can’t help. Even if you could, I don’t want you to make them go away,” Rodney muttered.

“Make who go away?” Carson asked softly.

“My mom. She talks to me. I miss her so much. Ever since she’s died, it’s been hard. It’s nice to have her around, you know?” Rodney looked at Carson for understanding.

Kate asked, “You’re hearing voices?” Rodney nodded. “Is there anything else?” Rodney shrugged.

“Let me try,” Carson said. “Have you felt depressed lately? Or manic?”

“Sometimes. Mostly just today, it hit me kind of hard.” Rodney felt more open talking to Carson. For one he was a friend, but it was really just that he did not like shrinks.

“Okay. What aren’t you telling us. Your friends are concerned. They say you act like a different person around them.”

“It’s not me. I mean, it is, but it’s not. It’s the others. I… they’re okay. At least one of them.” Rodney looked down at his hands.

Carson and Kate shared horrified looks. Carson cleared his throat. “Can you explain what they are like. And how many are there?”

Rodney breathed slowly. “It’s not like I named them or anything, but one, he’s very friendly. He’s like who I’d want to be when I’m around people. I let him talk to my team. He’s even nice to me, never pushing, just nudging to be out. He lets me watch while he talks. It’s like I’m part of a real conversation. It’s kind of cool. This other guy, he’s mean. Cruel like my Dad was. I think I got a lot of my sarcasm from my Dad. Anyways he likes to hurt people with words. He takes control and I can’t stop him. I had to fight to find out what he says, but now he lets me watch as he makes others cry. God I hate him. He doesn’t scare me though. The third one, and there’s only three. He’s calm, and collected. He can do things that I could never do. On my last mission, he took control when I was scared and he killed these men. At first I didn’t remember but then it came to me and I was revolted.”

Kate sighed. “Where do you go when they take over?”

Rodney looked over at her. “An okay place, I guess. I feel empty while I’m there. And I kind of like it. It’s strange but relaxing. Before they take over, I feel overwhelmed, like I can’t handle whatever I’m involved in and then they do it for me. I feel bad letting it happen, but I can’t stop it. Sometimes I don’t want to.” Rodney stood up and started pacing.

“Okay Rodney. Why don’t we get you settled in a bed out in the infirmary. We’ll talk after you’ve rested.” Carson led him out of the office and into a bed. Rodney let himself be moved, he felt so confused.

***

In Elizabeth Weir’s office, Carson Beckett and Kate Heightmeyer sat with their notes on Rodney’s case. Elizabeth had been informed of Rodney having a mental illness, but it looked like it might be worse than they originally thought.

“Please explain.” Weir sat still, ready to hear the worse.

Kate sat up straight and looked her head on. “Rodney has an acute case of Dissociative Disorder. In this case, it is Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

“What does that mean?” It was only words to Weir at the moment.

“This mental illness used to go by the name of Multiple Personality Disorder,” Carson said.

“Oh my god.” Elizabeth placed her hand over her mouth. “That’s awful. I had a friend who had that. Isn’t that caused by an abusive childhood?”

“Yes, that’s often the case.” Carson looked away from her.

Kate spoke up. “I’m not fit to help him through this. It is curable, but it takes a great deal of therapy. I’m suggesting he be taken back to Earth to seek treatment.”

“Carson?” Elizabeth looked at him.

“It’s for the best.” Carson watched her reaction.

Elizabeth Weir took a deep breath. “All right. Have you spoken to Rodney about this diagnosis yet?”

Carson felt saddened by events. “We were letting him rest. We’ll tell him soon.”

“I’ll get his team and Radek up here to just tell them that Rodney is leaving. It’ll be up to him whether they know why.”

***

Rodney woke up screaming from a nightmare where he had no control over his actions and he killed his friends. The nurse ran to him and tried to calm him down. He shook her off and got out of the bed. When the nurse glared at him, he decided not to leave and instead paced the space around his bed.

Carson came to check up on him. “Good you’re awake. We need to talk.”

“Great. Decided what kind of crazy I am already?” Rodney folded his arms in front of his chest.

“Yes,” Carson said simply. He gestured Rodney to follow him into his office.

Rodney was beginning to hate that room. As he suspected Heightmeyer was in there. What surprised him was Elizabeth’s presence. “This isn’t good is it?” Rodney refused to sit down. Every time he did he ended up blabbing all his problems. From the looks on their faces it just made things worse.

Kate decided to be blunt. “You have Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

“What? That’s impossible. I got checked for that when I was a kid.” Rodney appeared surprised.

Carson was confused. “Why would someone test you for that when you were a child Rodney?”

“My mom had it. Not that it was called that back then.” Rodney began pacing behind the chairs. “Is it really possible to develop this as an adult? I thought it started when a person was young.”

“It does. It is possible you do not have a recollection of it, and with the stress out here your mind is falling back into bad habits.” Carson tried to reason it out.

“What if something else caused it, what if it’s not normal?” Rodney hypothesized.

“That’s not very likely Rodney.” Kate sighed. “I know you’re trying to find a reason for this to have happened, but most likely you need to be looking in your past. This is why we can’t really help you. It would take too much time. Maybe after you’re better you can come back-” Kate was interrupted.

“Come back? Where the hell am I going?” Rodney looked around at their faces. “No. I’m not leaving. What’s wrong with you people? I can still help here! Granted I shouldn’t be allowed out in the field, that’s not safe. But I can still work in the labs. You’re going to take this away from me?”

“I’m sorry Rodney.” Elizabeth apologized, but her eyes were steel, uncompromising.

“I can’t believe you. What if this is happening because of something going on here?” Rodney was grasping at straws and they could tell.

“You’ll get the best care. There’s a mental health institute where you’ll be roomed, it’s already being arranged.” Kate explained.

“You’re going to lock me up?! No, I’m not going. You can’t do this.” Rodney whispered.

“Yes we can.” Weir softly said.

“No, I have to sign in voluntarily to be admitted.” Rodney sounded confident.

“Not always. Besides we can send you back to Earth. The United States Military is arranging for your admittance, and if the person is seen as a threat to themselves they can be admitted involuntarily.” Kate stated.

“But I haven’t… oh. Can’t you guys just give me pills here. I was just feeling down.” Rodney had to sit. There was a seat for him, and he slumped into it, his head in his hands. “Is this really necessary?” No one responded. “Of course it is. When am I leaving?” Rodney said this into his lap.

“Tomorrow. The Daedalus is leaving in the morning.” Elizabeth reached and patted his shoulder. “When you get better I will do everything I can to get you back here, I promise.”

“And if I don’t?” Rodney looked at her.

“Then I’ll visit you next time I have leave.” She stood up when he began to stand and gave him a crushing hug. “You’ll get through this, I know you will.”

Rodney held her and tried not to cry. “I don’t want to leave. This is my home and all my work is here.”

“I know. But you can’t get better on Atlantis. Where you’re going there are dozens of people that will help you. I can’t say you’ll like it there, but I’m sure you’ll adjust.” Elizabeth backed up and looked him in the eye.

There were unwanted tears running down his face. “Does my team already know?”

“Do you want them to know?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yes, they should know what’s happened to me. Also tell Radek, I’d hate to leave him running everything without knowing why I’m gone.”

“Kate and Carson will explain it to them.” Elizabeth let him sit back down in his chair.

“I know you don’t want to leave Rodney, but it would be easier if you did sign the form allowing your admittance,” Carson said. He had the forms printed out and on the desk.

Rodney reluctantly read them and signed it where needed. “I feel like I’m throwing my life away agreeing to this.” He sniffed and wiped his tears away.

“It won’t be forever.” Carson squeezed his arm trying to give comfort. He hated seeing his friend like this.

“I guess I better go pack.” Rodney stood up.

“Someone needs to be with you-” Carson began.

“I’ll go.” Elizabeth offered.

They walked out of the infirmary and towards his quarters. The silence was full of pain.

***

Elizabeth and Rodney entered the hallway where his quarters laid. What they found in front of his doors startled them. John, Ronon, Teyla, and Radek, were leaning around the doorway, waiting.

“Hey. We um, all thought we could maybe help you pack.” John tried. He just wanted to be able to say goodbye to his friend. None of them knew why he was leaving though John had an idea.

“Sure why not.” Rodney could see how nervous they all were. In a pique of frustration he called on his com. “Carson! Get down here with Kate and explain to these lost puppies why I’m leaving. Thank you.” He went into his room. Elizabeth stood outside the door, watching as Rodney took a box out from under his bed and began neatly putting his stuff into it.

Carson and Kate rushed down. “Aye, I’ll tell you all.” Teyla and Radek leaned against the wall. John and Ronon stood very straight. “He has DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder. This is a mental illness that affects how a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, and/or sense of identity are connected in the brain. It is caused by severe trauma in early childhood, this trauma can be physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. What happens is that during the trauma a child learns how to dissociate him or herself from the situation. It is similar to daydreaming. It is a remarkable coping mechanism but years later when the person no longer has to separate themselves from what is happening, the brain is conditioned into this strategy. For some, different personality states are made through continued use of dissociating. The person can 'switch' from one state to another, sometimes without their own control. Sometimes by switching, parts of the person's memory is loss, as only the other identity knows what occurred.”

Kate finished up with, “This illness is treatable through different forms of therapy as well as hypnosis. Hypnosis is used to have the person relive the trauma in their past. This usually helps them to reconnect to that time. Rodney’s going to Earth for this treatment.”

John turned to Elizabeth and they shared a look of understanding. Nothing will be the same without him. Ronon and Teyla watched, all they understood was that Rodney had some affliction of the mind and would be leaving them. Radek went in and helped Rodney pack.

When Rodney was done packing, Ronon took the box out of Rodney’s hands and set it down. He grabbed Rodney to him and gave him a hug, surprising everyone in the room. Rodney hugged him back uncertainly. After he was let go, Teyla went to him and gave him the Athosian goodbye, placing their foreheads together. Then she kissed him on the cheek. Rodney looked at John, and John placed his hand out. Rodney laughed and shook John’s hand. Elizabeth gave them a look and John pulled Rodney to him and gave him the manly hug, where they barely touched and gave enthusiastic pats to the back. Radek looked uncertain when it became his time. Rodney simply gave him a look that said his thanks. Radek smiled back.

Rodney still had his clothes to pack but he figured he could do that in the morning. He wanted one more night to sleep in his bed and had to beg Elizabeth to allow him too. She acquiesced and everyone left. Rodney laid down on his bed. It hit him that it was only the afternoon but he felt drained. He closed his eyes and drifted off to his mother singing him a lullaby.

***

That morning he rushed to pack his clothes, and lugged his suitcase and box to the control room. Why Colonel Caldwell couldn’t be bothered to beam his stuff up from his room he would never know.

When he saw the man waiting, he thought he saw contempt in those eyes. That is when he lost control over himself. He felt the calm collected deadly self fight with the cruel raged filled self. Deadly won and before he could do anything, his hand was going for Caldwell’s throat. The guards were too far away, and the only thing that saved Stephen Caldwell was his own instincts and training. Soon Rodney was laying flat on the ground, floating away in an empty world, barely paying attention to what was happening. Not like he cared anyways.

He drifted off and the three identities decided to switch back and forth. The nice one took over. “Please, we’re sorry. Rod shouldn’t have gone after you, he’s just not had anything to do in awhile. Rodney keeps him held in check all the time. I know we could have been friends at one point regardless of what Francis thinks.”

“This asshole could never be our friend Roddy. Look at him, he doesn’t even care about us.”

“Beckett, get down here. Rodney here is acting a little insane at the moment.” Stephen shouted into his com.

Carson came running with a tranquilizer. He gave it to Rodney and it put him out after a minute. “What happened?” Carson asked Caldwell.

“He tried to kill me!” Caldwell attempted to get over his exasperation. “Then he started talking about himself as if there was more than one of him. If he’s going to be on my ship he’s going to have to be in restraints.” He ordered.

Beckett merely nodded his head. They arranged him to be put in a room on the Daedalus, they put him in leather wrist and ankle restraints. Carson gave the Doctor aboard the ship directions on how much tranquilizer to give to Rodney, but only if he were to get violent again. Then Carson went back to his infirmary. The ship left on its trip back to Earth.

***

For eighteen days the Doctor kept Rodney drugged up against Carson’s orders, instead obeying Caldwell’s instructions. When they made it to Earth, Rodney was completely out of it and had no control over his being switched to Fort Logan Mental Health Institute in Colorado. When he arrived there he was incoherent and the Doctors not knowing he had been drugged prior to his being moved to the institute, they gave him a strong anti-psychotic hoping to break him out of what they deemed was an episode.

It made him start hallucinating and he began talking to various people from his childhood, not always people he liked. When he started yelling at people who were dead he was once again put in restraints and watched over. Eventually the drugs left his system and he became aware of where he was at. It was night and he was no longer in restraints so he tried to sleep after he went to the bathroom adjoining his room.

In the morning someone knocked on his door shouting goals group. Rodney groggily got up and dressed in the scrubs on his desk. He did not know what happened to his clothes. He walked out of the room into the bright bare hallway. There were several rooms in the hallway. He followed the others down into a larger room where there was cushions and a TV. In another hall he could see a window that people were standing in line in front of. The person behind the window was giving out medication.

He walked past them and into another room where there was a large table that people were sitting around. There was a woman with a tag on her clothes sitting at the head of the table. She said ‘Hi’ and gestured for him to take a seat. He sat between a large man who was in a suit and a young woman who was also in scrubs, chewing on her nails. Around the table were several others, a balance between women and men. Some were in their twenties, others his age, and a couple were in their fifties.

The woman explained what goals group was to him, but he tuned her out. He used to have goals, ones that always surrounded his work. He had no work now. When it was his turn to say his goal, he thought about it and the only thing that would get him closer to Atlantis was to get out of here. “My goal is to get better.” It was simple, but the woman smiled at him.

“We’ll talk about how you can accomplish that in another group. You just got here but you’re on the right track.” With that group done it was time for breakfast. For newly arrived people the food was brought on trays into the dining area. A man in white was passing out the trays. When he called out McKay, Rodney picked up his tray. Sitting at a table he saw that there was not much in it, and the drink was orange juice. He got up to talk to the guy who brought the tray but was told he would have to take it up with the doctor. “I’m fucking allergic to citrus.” Rodney was fed up. The guy told him to wait and see if no one wanted their milk and then they could switch. Rodney calmed down and nodded his thanks. He sat down and ate his pancakes. Usually he liked hospital food, but something about this place set his stomach to knots.

The next group was an activity group. He sat in his seat in shock as the woman described how they would all be standing on a long cloth trying to turn it over without stepping off. He walked out of that group. He sat in front of the TV and watched the news.

The art groups were voluntary and he was so bored he went to one. They were making Paper-Mache masks. It felt nice to get his hands wet. He made his look like his cat, taking plastic and cutting ears and gluing it to the plastic mask. After the whole thing was dry he painted it a light orange. He took the thing to his room and put it on his desk.

After that it was time for snacks, he got half a ham and cheese sandwich. The room had lots of games so he convinced one of the other men to play chess with him. Of course he beat the man pretty fast. He was a genius after all and this man was nothing like John. Suddenly he missed his team-mate. Hell he missed all of them. After the game was over he went to one of the nurses and asked him when he would be meeting his psychiatrist. Looking at the notepad the nurse said tomorrow morning.

Rodney was walking back to his room when he passed the phone. He thought that those dumbasses at the SGC probably forgot to call his sister. So he tried the last known number he had for her. When she answered, he relaxed. “Jeannie? It’s me, Rodney.”

“Rodney? Where are you?” She sighed, it had been forever since she had heard his voice.

“Ft. Logan Mental Health Institute.” He winced as he said this.

“What? Why?” Jeannie was on guard. Please not again.

“You know how our Mom had that mental illness. Well I may have it too.” Rodney leaned against the wall.

“I’m coming.” Jeannie began planning what she would need for the flight.

“Thank you.” He gave her the number so she could call back. They hung up. Rodney went to his room and flopped down on his bed.

***

He slept past dinner, but when he did wake up his tray had been saved. He ate the meatloaf and peas. Then he went back to his room and sat in his bed, staring at the wall across from him. Intellectually he knew what he was going to have to do. He was going to have to participate in the group therapy and he was going to have to explain to countless psychologists and psychiatrists about what was going on with him. If DID was really what he had, then that meant a lot of uncomfortable chatting about his childhood. He did not look forward to any of it.

Rodney lied down under his meager covers and tried to rest. He had his sister to look forward to seeing tomorrow, or maybe the next day depending on when she could get a flight. As much as he wanted to see his sister, he missed Atlantis more. She was a beautiful city and he felt wanted while there. He drifted off thinking about walking the city’s halls.

He woke up early the next day and went out into the hall and picked up towels that were in a container at the front of the hall. It had toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, and powder in it. He got into the small shower and washed. When he got out he dressed in a clean pair of scrubs. Already he was tired of wearing them. Maybe Jeannie could go out and buy him some real clothes. He wore padded socks as he walked down the hall and into the TV room.

People were just sitting around. Some were getting their blood pressure checked. His name was called and he looked around. A nurse gestured to a chair, he sat down and she brought out a pole that had colorful tubes on it. It took him a second to realize she was going to take a sample of his blood. He watched as she put gloves on and readied his arms. It felt different having her to do it after all the times Carson and the other Doctors in Atlantis took his blood. Maybe it was the setting, this was not an infirmary it was just a regular drab colored room. When he got up he walked to where he had gotten breakfast last time. The trays were all piled up, and he waited.

This time he got milk and cereal. It was a change and he wondered how they made the choices for him when they knew nothing about him. It was then that the man who took care of the meals gave him a menu for the next week to fill out. He circled what he wanted and handed it back. At least he had some say in what he would eat. The only thing he really had control over.

Instead of going to goals group he had his first meeting with his psychiatrist. The older woman had him take a seat. “Why don’t we start with why you’re here.”

This he could answer. “My physician and psychologist diagnosed me as having Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

“Based on what?” She was not even taking notes. It must already be in his folder. They were just making sure he knew what was wrong.

Rodney looked at her as if he could read her intelligence through her eyes. “Based on the fact that I have three different identities knocking around in my head. I also have sleep disorders: insomnia, night terrors, sleepwalking, I have depression, mood swings, loss of time, trances, auditory hallucinations, I’m violent, oh and I have a headache.”

“That does seem to sum up nicely the symptoms of a DID patient. Now, are you willing to begin treatment for this disorder?” She looked at him without any emotion.

“Yes. I volunteered to be here didn’t I?” Rodney gazed above her head. As far as he could tell he was a hundred times smarter than her.

“Okay. In that case, let’s talk about these other identities. What do you call them?” She had her pen poised to write.

“I don’t call them anything, but apparently they’ve named themselves. Rod is usually pretty calm, he can do anything. Francis seems to hate everybody including me. Roddy is too nice, likes to socialize. And then there’s me, Mr. Crazy.” Rodney looked down at his hands.

“We don’t like to call anybody that, in here. Everyone who resides here has a mental illness, and like any illness it does not define who you are. You are still Rodney McKay and whatever that names means to you.” She looked at him earnestly.

He still had trouble opening up to her, he had been on the defensive since the beginning. “Right, illness. Is there a cure?”

“Actually in this case there is. It will involve a great deal of what we like to call, ‘talk therapy’. The cause of this disorder is childhood trauma, so we are going to have to work you back through your past to figure out when you started to dissociate.”

“That’s the problem. I just started dissociating a month ago. I never did as a child. I hardly ever day-dreamed when I was young. I was usually too busy reading books or figuring out problems.” Rodney felt confused and vulnerable, he could not figure out why this was happening to him. It did not make sense that it came from his childhood. Why would it be occurring now?

“All right. Later today a psychologist is going to be talking to you.” She tapped her paper.

“Great. Thanks.” He walked out of the room.

The next group that he was able to make took them into another section of the facility. Rodney went with them and found a library, and there was a piano sitting there, untouched. He was drawn to it. He looked at the man that had brought them here for permission. When he got it he sat down and opened it up. His hands touched the keys tentatively. Then he thought he was with a bunch of psychos, what would they care if he was not any good. So he began playing any song that he could remember. He felt exhilarated making music again. He played the whole time people checked out books.

***

He went to his psychologist in the afternoon. Basically he wanted to test him on his ability to function intellectually. Rodney shot down every question by proving how much of a genius he was, spouting out formulas and explanations until the man went cross-eyed. It was kind of fun.

In the evening it was time for visitors. He did not expect Jeannie to be there so soon, but he was surprised as she rushed into the room and hugged him. “Oh Rodney. Not again. It was horrible with Mom, and Dad was such an ass about it. But I’m here, if nothing else to keep you company so you don’t lose it.” Jeannie kissed him on the head. Her little brother in need, how could she stay away.

They went and sat in some chairs, holding hands. They caught up with each other’s lives as best they could considering his projects were all classified. He talked about the friends he had made from work. She told him about her job and the various boyfriends that kept leaving her.

Time past and then the visitors had to leave. She promised to go buy him some clothes so he could get out of the scrubs, as well as a scientific journal to keep him occupied. She left with one last hug. Then he went and ate dinner.

The days passed in routine. He would wake up and eat, go to goals group, play the piano every other day and talk to psychiatrists and psychologist about his childhood. Some days were good and he would be himself. Other times his personalities liked to take over and either yell or make friends with the other patients. He was wearing regular clothes now and he felt more human for it. The journals got him through the most boring part of the day when he had nothing to do while others watched mindless TV. In the evening he would hang with Jeannie for an hour and a half. Then there was dinner and the last group where everyone explained what they had accomplished. Later at bedtime he would talk to Mom and she would explain what it was like when she was in a similar place. He knew she was not real but it was still comforting.

There was an unexpected visit on the tenth day he was at Fort Logan Mental Health Institute. He went into a room by himself. Rodney looked up to see Major Paul Davis sitting at a table. He stood up and offered his hand. “I have good news.”

Rodney shook his hand. “And what would that be?”

“The SGC just received a call from Atlantis. Apparently one of the scientists, a Will Kavanagh has been exhibiting a similar psychosis as you were. Luckily Dr. Zelenka was in the room at the time that an Ancient device set off a laser at Kavanagh’s brain. The scientists have been researching into the device using the Ancient databases, and after hunting behind some hidden information found another device that is supposed to reverse the effects. They want you to return to Atlantis to make this device work.” Paul was reading from a report.

“It was Ancient technology that did this to me?” Rodney sat down in a chair. “So I’m not crazy?”

“Apparently not. The Daedalus will be leaving in a couple days to ship you back to Atlantis.” Paul watched the relief in Rodney’s face and shoulders.

“I missed her so much.” Rodney was shaking.

“Who?” Davis was puzzled.

“The city.” Rodney wiped a tear off his face, suddenly embarrassed.

Later that evening when Jeannie visited, Rodney told her that the military had found someone that could help him and let him still do his job. She hugged him and made him promise to visit her sometime.

Paul Davis had the release papers filled out and that night drove Rodney to the SGC where his suitcase and box of stuff still resided.

The next day Rodney got back on the Daedalus and Caldwell was still an ass. This time Rodney was not restrained, but he had guards surrounding him all the time. Though he did have some moments when he was not himself, he refrained from beating the shit out of Caldwell.

The day he arrived back on Atlantis, he was nervous. Rodney wondered if the device would really reverse the problem or if it had gone unchecked too long. Also he was unsure he would be able to make it work. He was also anxious to see his team as well as Carson, Radek, and Elizabeth. He never realized how much he needed these people until he had to spend over a month away from them.

He was beamed into the control room. Radek was waiting for him and they went to the lab where the device was. It was a band that wrapped around the head emitting a signal that would alter brain chemistry. For three days they both worked on it and Rodney tried to ignore his mother making unhelpful suggestions.

When it was ready they decided to test it on Kavanagh first. Kavanagh was slightly annoyed but understood that his psychosis had not developed as far as Rodney’s had. With a couple days of monitoring, it was determined that it was a success and that it was now Rodney’s turn. In the infirmary Carson smiled encouragingly. Carson put a blood pressure cuff around his arm and Radek helped Rodney put the device on. A loud noise filled the room, and a sudden pain pierced his head. Rodney screamed and then it was done. Kavanagh had not experienced the same pain, and Carson was afraid for Rodney. Rodney slumped down and drifted into unconsciousness while his two friends watched over him.

When he awoke he felt different. There were no extra voices, and his mind felt whole. He opened his eyes and saw John’s face. He smiled at him, and a grin answered him back. Teyla and Ronon were both in the room. “How do you feel?” John asked.

“One hundred percent me,” Rodney was surprised to say. He had felt different for so long, it was weird to be himself.

Elizabeth walked into the room. “I’m glad to hear that.” She looked contrite. “I’m sorry we did not believe you when you said that it could have been something here that changed you. Shipping you off to Earth was a mistake.”

“I’m just glad to be back, and be myself.” Rodney looked her in the eye. “I forgive you, you were just going with what the voodoo doctor here and Miss Shrinkalot suggested.”

“Rodney, you need to realize that we were doing what we thought best.” Carson tried to interject. Kate looked in from the door way. She mouthed, “I’m sorry”.

Rodney huffed, but nodded. Then he looked at everyone, John was gripping his arm happily. Rodney smiled at him and the rest of his team and Radek.

“Carson, I’ll forgive you if you just make sure the Daedalus doctor that kindly forgot to mention to the institute that I’d been drugged, is taken care of.”

“Certainly.” This was the first Carson had heard about it and he was mad.

“Now guys, can I get back to work?” Rodney asked. He had enough of sitting with nothing to do. He was looking forward to going on missions.

Elizabeth smiled, “Of course Rodney. Welcome back.”

***

This long ago experiment had wreaked havoc on the mind of one Atlantian, but in the end Rodney McKay learned a great deal about family and friends. Never again would he take his sanity for granted.

Comments

[murdocsangel.livejournal.com]

Such a wonderful story. I loved the team interactions, and how Rodney dealt with it. He actually proved that, even though he was insane, he was still sane. Or something like that. yay!

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

A sane, insane Rodney? Well if he can make a device work to fix his own brain, I guess so. Thank you.

[innogen.livejournal.com]

Wow--from one Libra to another--Major Kudos. The story had a beginning, middle, and an end... and no loose ends that I can remember.

~Innogen

[PS - I added you to my f-list; I really think you write very well]

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

Ahh thanks. My sister helped me take care of the couple loose ends that were there. Thank you for liking my writing, that makes me happy.

[ellex42.livejournal.com]

I finally found time to read this...and it was excellent. You did a great job of explaining the actual mental disorder without getting long-winded and boring, and your descriptions of Rodney's symptoms painted a frightening picture. I like the hints about his childhood and his mother.

Two big thumbs up for this. Good job.

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Glad you liked it. I rarely do serious stories, but I'm glad this one worked out.

[jo-zed-pee-em.livejournal.com]

Ok I am finally commenting! I just read, or should I say reread because I got to the end and realised that I have read it before. I don't know why I didn't comment at the time...*kicks brain* But I loved it!

:)

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

Awww thank you sweetie. I know it should make me happy just knowing that it's read but I love comments.