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libra_travellerOne of my first Atlantis fanfics, so though it is rather amusing I wouldn't call it a masterpiece. But I should mention, very witty dialogue, it's more the content, so definitely crack story in script format, so no descriptions to aide you along. Enjoy?
Who Would You Rather?
by libra_traveller
Rated R
Teyla - Major Sheppard, I was wondering if you could teach me one of your games from Earth?
John - Football? I could-
Teyla - No, a spoken game.
John - Erm, Rodney?
Rodney - No.
Aiden - Hey, I got an idea. We could play 'Who would you rather..."
John/Rodney - NOOOO!!
Teyla - This sounds intriguing. How is it played?
Aiden - Well, you take three people, and have to choose which of the three you would rather have sex with, which would you rather marry, and which one would you rather push off a cliff. As we're a group of four, we can start with each other.
John - Oh no.
Rodney - Not again.
Teyla - This should be... fun.
Aiden - I'll go first. Let’s start with the easiest... I would rather push *Rodney* off a cliff.
Rodney - HEY!
Aiden - I would marry... Teyla.
Teyla - That is sweet.
Aiden - I would *cough* have sex *cough* with John.
John - Ford.
Aiden - I wasn't about to say *that* and call you Major.
Teyla - I will go next.
John - Fine.
Teyla - Lets see...who would I rather have as a life-long mate?
Three men - *gulp*
Teyla - Who would I rather have a night of pleasure with?
Three men - *groan*
Teyla - and who would I see dead?
Rodney - For the love of God, answer the question already.
Teyla - *grin* I would rather... marry... Rodney.
Aiden - What?!
Rodney - Really...?
John - Even I knew that.
Teyla - I would rather have sex with, Aiden.
John - You'd push ME off a cliff?!
Teyla - Most certainly.
John - Fine. My turn. I would rather marry A...iden. Have sex with Rodney and THROW Teyla off a cliff.
Rodney/Aiden/Teyla - What???
John - You heard me.
Rodney - Fine. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. I'd marry John, push AIDEN off a cliff and have hot passionate sex with Teyla.
John - Of course you would.
Who would you rather not?
Teyla - This was quite fun. Perhaps we can continue this another time?
Aiden - Sure. We can all think of three people to put together for a choice.
Rodney - Just great. Last time I was roped into this, serious trouble. It's why I moved from Canada.
John - Oh. Why... bye Teyla. Why did you have to leave?
Rodney - Well, some friends... okay co-workers and I played a slightly different version of this game.
Aiden - Different how?
Rodney - It was called 'who would you rather not'. Out of a group of five, who would you rather not have rescue you in a life or death situation, who would you rather not introduce to family and friends, who would you rather not sleep with, who would you rather not see
naked, and who would you rather not be locked in a cell with.
John - Huh.
Aiden - What he said.
Rodney - The worst part... if you said 'I'd rather not sleep with so and so' you're saying you'd like to see them naked, as well as the other stuff.
John - Wait a minute, so for that person you wouldn't want to see naked, you'd still sleep with them?!
Rodney - Pretty much. There were plenty of variations of this game, the more contradictions the better.
Aiden - So how'd you get into trouble?
Rodney - Well, our boss walked in-
John - Fuck.
Rodney - Exactly. He was annoyed but amused and since it was my turn and he was one of the choices, he made me finish.
Aiden - Damn.
Rodney - Unfortunately, he showed up just as I was finishing, so I couldn't change any of my answers.
John - What did you say?
Rodney - Well there was this woman mixed up in the choice who no way would I want touching me... I said 'I would rather not see my boss naked'.
Aiden - But you'd sleep with him??
Rodney - Yep. I had in fact. So he got insulted, later yelling at me for not thinking he's attractive-
John - Wait one minute. You were sleeping with your boss?!
Rodney - Yes.
Aiden - Hmm.
John - Feel like doing that again?
Who would you do what to?
Rodney - Actually John I'd rather not. This isn't Earth, if I piss you off I can't just move to another country. Ford, can you go find Teyla, I have an idea for how we should continue this game.
Aiden - Um, sure. Just don't make it too complicated.
John - Bring some *drinks* back with you. So Rodders, what's this fab idea of yours?
Rodney - Rodders?! What the heck!
John - Hey if you aren't planning on sleeping with me, I should at least be allowed to give you nicknames.
Rodney - Says who?
John - Says your very horny boss.
Rodney - Fine. But I get to make up nicknames for you too.
John - Do your worst.
Rodney - I will.
Aiden - I got Teyla and I brought beer.
John - Not to be a nit-pick...I'll explain later... but shouldn't it be 'I brought Teyla and I got beer'?
Aiden - Nope, Teyla's mine. As for the beer I had to coax it out of Carson's hands.
Teyla - Aiden is quite mistaken, he is MINE. Rodney, what is this plan Aiden mentioned.
Rodney - Well, I was thinking so as to make the game more challenging, we could play who/what have you and haven't you done. One person chooses three people on Atlantis and three activities having them match up. The other three players have to guess which activity goes with which person and whether or not you were involved. At least one of the people and activities should have involved you.
John - That's not challenging. It's boooring.
Aiden - The alcohol should fix that.
John - I'd have to drink quite a lot to think this will be fun.
Teyla - I think we should *spice* things up. What if the player who makes the correct guess has to make out with the person who's turn it is.
Rodney - Sounds like a plan. Who should go first?
John/Aiden - You. You thought of it.
John/Aiden - Stop that.
Rodney - I hated those books.
Teyla - Why don't I go first. I already thought of three people, now I just need three activities to go with them.
John - Okay, then.
Aiden - Which people did you choose?
Teyla - Elizabeth, Peter, and Carson.
Aiden - Now what have or haven't you done with them?
Teyla - Hmm, lets start simple. Kiss, tongue, and sniffed.
Rodney - (blink blink)
John - (drops jaw)
Aiden - (licked lips)
Teyla - It is time to match them together, is it not?
Rodney - Um, yeah. Okay, you haven't tongued Elizabeth. You have kissed Carson. You have sniffed Peter.
John - Why did you say she kissed Carson?
Rodney - 'Cause I've seen her making out with him.
Aiden - Teyla!! When was this?
Teyla - Yesterday, but it was not a kiss. He simply asked me if his lips looked chapped. I could not tell by sight, so I checked it out by touching-
Aiden - By kissing him. Sure, why not. Wait, does this mean that Rodney's answers are wrong?
Teyla - One of his answers was right.
John - So you were sniffing Peter out. I told him that cologne was too weak, you have to get up close to smell it.
Teyla - Yes.
Aiden - Fine. You have kissed Elizabeth, and you haven't tongued Carson, yet.
Teyla - This is true, I have yet to 'swap spit' with Carson.
Rodney - John! What have you been teaching her? Wait, what do you mean you've kissed Elizabeth?
John - Stop interrogating her, already.
Rodney - I just want to know when the next time will be so I can watch.
Teyla - You are invited to join Elizabeth and I anytime, Rodney.
Rodney - See, Johnsy, I didn't upset her one bit.
John - Is that all you've got, Johnsy?
Rodney - No, Joystick, it isn't.
Aiden - Okay then, I think we should move this along. Why don't I keep those people. Activities: dressed, fed, bathed.
John - Ford, what have you been doing. I thought you got over your desire to nursemaid?
Rodney - Hey, wait a minute. Teyla and Aiden were supposed to be making out now, right?
John - Yep. Aiden, how could you forget?!
Aiden - Um.
Teyla - Aiden and I shall go over here and fulfill the requirements of this game. Start matching while we're away.
Aiden - Uh, Teyla, where are we.... oh okay. See you guys.
Rodney - How long do you think they'll be gone?
John - I have no clue but I don't plan on being here when they return. It isn't that the thought of kissing Ford makes me uncomfortable or anything. Yet thinking about Ford bathing Carson or Peter, even Elizabeth, disturbs me.
Rodney - I have a game we could play.
John - What's that?
Rodney - The first person to my quarters, bottoms.
John - What? You said you wouldn't sleep with your boss?!
Rodney - And I won't. You'll be calling me Major, and I promise I can live up to those expectations. Bye.
John - Fuck!! No way are you getting there first.
***
Aiden - Sir? McKay?
Teyla - They left the beer.
Aiden - All the more for us. Does that invitation you gave to Rodney apply to me?
Teyla - Yes, Carson and Elizabeth will be pleased.
Who would you (blank) in which genre?
Elizabeth - Rodney, John, it's nice we managed to run into you two. Aiden and Teyla spoke to Carson and I about this game and we thought we would join in.
Carson - It sounds like brilliant fun, know any other versions, Rodney?
Rodney - Er, John?
John - I suppose we could come up with something. Will it be just the four of us?
Elizabeth - For now.
John - Then if you'll just give us a minute we'll confer and... Dammit Rodney. What did we do to piss off Teyla and Aiden?!
Rodney - Well, after we... you know... I did go to Aiden's room and stole back the beer. Maybe that's what this is about?
John - Probably. So what are we going to do now. That game is not safe to play with the boss. You know that from personal experience.
Rodney - Stop bringing that up. Maybe I can come up with a more G-rated version of the game.
John - Or you could make it more R-rated and highly unlikely- so no one could possibly take any offense?
Elizabeth - YOU KNOW WE COULD ALL FIGURE OUT THE RULES TOGETHER.
John - Ow. I hear you. Fine, Rodney after you. Just remember, the only way you're leaving Atlantis is through that gate to Tartarus.
Rodney - Oh, funny. Carson, buddy, John and I are at a loss. Do you have any preference for how we do this? Perhaps something that would be appropriate to teach the Athosian children how to play??
Carson - Well, I don't know about that. What I'm considering is definitely for adults only.
John - Oh?
Elizabeth - Yes Carson?
Carson - Well... if we play this in rounds each person picking say a specific category to
base the choices in-
Rodney - What kind of categories are we talking about here?
Carson - Oh.. Adventure, Romance, Mystery, and... something Gothic.
John - Gothic, Mystery?? Sounds like Scooby Doo to me. What do you think Daphne?
Elizabeth - Major.
John - Sorry, Ma'am.
Rodney - Sounds like fun... lets set this up say tomorrow at noon-
Elizabeth - What about now? You can't possibly be busy this very moment.
Rodney - Sure, I was just hoping..thinking you may have had some work to do. Okay.
John, go find the last of the beer and meet us in my lab-
Carson - Why are we going there?
Rodney - I have to shut down some experiments I had running... Okay, John go.
***
John - That wasn't very nice Roddy.
Rodney - What did I say about the nicknames!!
John - Only in bed while we're-
Rodney - Exactly! Now shush. They're about to wake up.
John - I really don't think electrocuting them was the best-
Rodney - I DIDN'T electrocute them. I simply gave them a truth serum... what?
John - And you were calling Carson's work, voodoo. Besides I definitely saw sparks
jumping off them.
Rodney - That probably had more to do with the crack you were sniffing before you arrived.
John - I was not... okay so maybe I did, but Elizabeth can be very scary with her hair down. Hey, you changed the subject. Where did this truth serum come from??
Rodney - I may have snatched it from Teyla's belongings that time Bates made me search them.
John - You sneaky thief. No wonder you got me to confess my love to you, I bet you snuck me some of that stuff too-
Rodney - I did not. Don't go blaming some innocent serum just because you're a big romantic sap.
John - Okay, I'll admit it. I'm only reading 'War and Peace' because I'm hoping for a happy ending.
Rodney - Dangit, what am I going to do with you. Come here you goof... mmuh... I love you so much...mm
Carson - Ugh... not again. Rodney, how did you get a hold of Teyla's tell all drugs?
Elizabeth - Hunh... oh, that stuff. Teyla uses it so many times on me its a wonder it still works.
Carson - What does she use it on you for?
Elizabeth- Without it she doesn't believe me when I compliment her on her... performance. What about you?
Carson - Just for fun.
Rodney - John, get off already our guests are awake.
John - So, if we ask them if they want to join us they'll answer truthfully.
Rodney - Next time dear. We have other plans first remember?
John - Okay toots, but I want to use the light in the face interrogation technique from movies.
Elizabeth - Fine, can we get on with this. To be honest, I would rather join the kissy stuff, when you two talk its so dull. Any bickering heard around the base comes with the taxing restraint of not telling you to get a room.
Rodney - So sorry that you can't understand the joy of witty foreplay-
John - You think I'm witty?
Carson - I much prefer the bickering actually. The sap around here of late makes me yearn for a good waffle.
Rodney - Of course John, you think I'd let just anyone balance my equations?
John - Lets just leave them for awhile.
***
Aiden - Where do you think they stuffed Dr. Weir and Dr. Beckett?
Teyla - Stuffed? But they are not turkeys and Thanksgiving is long past-
Aiden - It means 'hidden'.
Teyla - I see. Lets check McKay's lab. The Major and him probably left Carson and Elizabeth in there while they attended to other things. That is an appropriate phrase when referring to such matters?
Aiden - Yep. The rule is to be as vague as possible when in company, and then in private be as creative in your insinuation.
Teyla - Such as Rodney convinced John to light up his power source?
Aiden - WTF... uh yeah, that's an accurate way of putting it. That's even works for writing up a report. Damn you're good.
Teyla - I could prove that to you. What is the phrase I've heard? Ah yes... I could rev your engines?
Aiden - You're on.
Teyla - Top?
***
Kavanaugh - What do we have here? Two doctors. What has McKay done this time?
Carson - He fed us a drug that makes us tell the truth.
Elizabeth - Then he left with Major Sheppard to have hot sex.
Kavanaugh - Sweet. Now, answer me this. Why does everyone on the base hate me?
Elizabeth - It's the pony-tail, you look like a retarded hippy suffering from crack withdrawal.
Carson - You walk around the base as if you have a stick up your-
Elizabeth - And though you are as arrogant as Rodney, you don't have his good looks to make up for it.
Carson - And you hate chocolate which is just not normal.
Elizabeth - You're not very witty.
Carson - You have bad teeth.
Elizabeth - You-
Kavanaugh - Enough!!! I get it. I'm a prick. Fine. Sheesh I liked it better when you two lied.
Elizabeth - What was his problem, we were just being honest.
Carson - Don't know. Some people can't handle the truth.
***
Rodney - Where's my shirt?
John - I think it's under the bed. Have you seen my socks? Oh, thanks. My dog tags?
Rodney - Look below. How could you forget?
John - Oh, right. That was memorable.
Rodney - Daniel taught me how to do it. Lets go grab Aiden and Teyla, I think it's game time.
***
Aiden - Blast it. Who's knocking. Can't you see the rubber band I taped to the door?!
John - Doesn't count if there's no door-knob.
Aiden - Damn, he's right. Come on in. Maybe you can help us finish.
Rodney - Hello Teyla. Aiden, a little to the left.
Teyla - OH! Thank you Rodney.
Rodney - No problem. So John, what's the game plan?
John - Carson and Liz have probably finished the beer by now. Aiden?
Aiden - Almost there sir.
John - No rush.
Rodney - We should pick up Grodin and Bazooka, that should make things more interesting.
Aiden/Teyla - ZELENKA!
John - Okay, get dressed guys.
***
Zelenka - Why do you think we were called down to McKay's lab?
Grodin - Probably for another one of their kinky games. There really isn't much else to do on Atlantis.
Zelenka - Do you think we'll be able to keep our clothes this time?
Grodin - I hope so. Remember going back to our quarters? Everyone was so jealous.
Zelenka - Yeah. It took forever to get the stains off my skin. Did we ever figure out where that ink came from?
Grodin - I heard it was a gift from Major Davis.
Zelenka - Possibly, though I think he got it from the Russian General. Oh hi Lizzy, hi Becky.
Carson - You know, I love it when you call me that.
Grodin - Teyla's truth serum?
Elizabeth - Carson what are you talking about?
Carson - Well, every time he calls me that it gives me the excuse to pull out the big needles.
Zelenka - You Scots don't scare me.
Carson - Someday laddie you'll take that back.
Grodin - Is the Rodster going to be here soon?
John - Hey! I'm the only one allowed to give Rodney nicknames.
Grodin - You only started that recently, I've been calling him the Rodster ever since he tried to pull one over Sammy.
Aiden - Hey. Oh that. I remember watching the security tapes, that was great.
Rodney - Yeah yeah yeah. It wasn't that bad.
Teyla - What occured? This was at the SGC?
Aiden - Oh yeah, elevator actually.
John - So what happened?
Grodin - Rodney went after Sam Carter, upset she didn't care about his music teacher's devastating remark.
Aiden - Then she looked him in the eye and said she'd been to one of his Piano Concerts at Area 51, it seems he was their nightly entertainment, did jazz and blues songs regularly.
Elizabeth - What, Rodney that's so classic.
Rodney - Hey I didn't lie about the music teacher thing, I just failed to mention that she was just upset I wasn't interested in serenading her and her husband at night.
John - How come you didn't want to?
Rodney - Curfew.
Carson - Ah. Let me guess, the husband was quite the hairy guy?
Rodney - That and he kept coming on to me.
Teyla - This is all very intriguing but don't we have a game to play.
Grodin - See, I told you so.
***
Rodney - Okay, now that we're all settled on these lovely tables, Carson take it from the top.
Aiden - *cough*
Carson - Well then, Rodney why don't you choose the first player-
Rodney - Liz.
Carson - Okay, Elizabeth, choose who you want to pick the category, and who the question.
Elizabeth - John and Teyla.
John - Adventure.
Teyla - Who would you do in the Puddle-Jumper cockpit with a crowbar?
Elizabeth - Definitely Zelenka.
Zelenka - Excuse me?
Carson - Your turn laddie, looks like you have someone else to be scared of.
Zelenka - Fine. McKay and Grodin.
Rodney - Gothic.
Grodin - Who's ghost would you have haunt you?
Zelenka - I suppose Carson's, I've never heard a Scottish ghost 'boo' at me.
Rodney - You've heard other ghosts boo you?
Zelenka - I swear my Granny's been haunting me for years. It's why I took this mission.
Grodin - Did she travel with you through the gate?
Zelenka - No, but McKay sure does a fine impression of her.
Rodney - She was nice, she gave me candies.
Zelenka - You never met my Granny, that was my uncle and he's not dead yet.
Carson - I guess it's my turn. Elizabeth if you would do the honors, and Aiden.
Elizabeth - Romance.
Aiden - If you had to fight a dragon to rescue a damsel in distress-
Rodney - That's not romance.
Aiden - The romantic story must have knights in shining armor. As I was saying, who would your damsel in distress be?
Carson - The only person I think that would fit the role is Rodney here.
Rodney - I resent that even if it's true, damn truth serum.
Teyla - What did you say Rodney?
Rodney - It's Bates' fault.
Teyla - We'll see.
Rodney - Okay then. Zelenka and John.
Zelenka - Mystery. Oh and before you ask, I've played this with Becky before.
John - If your body was found floating out in the ocean, who would you want to solve your murder?
Rodney - Well not you since it sounds like you'll be the most likely suspect. Teyla. She's bright and could probably seduce the answer from somebody.
Teyla - As I understand it you just called me a 'slut', thanks for the compliment. Grodin and Elizabeth.
Grodin - No one calls me Peter anymore, and if they do it's to ask me about spidey senses. Adventure.
Elizabeth - Trapped down in a Wraith Hive ship, who would your companion be?
Teyla - Major Sheppard, he is good with a weapon and would make a quick lay if the situation was dire.
John - Huh, Rodney, I'm not that fast am I?
Rodney - Hey it's okay babe, you're just used to needing to be finished before someone calls on you.
John - Well everybody does seem to need my time. Carson and Aiden.
Carson - If you need to be examined, ouch, sorry... Gothic.
Aiden - Who would you be the most comfortable watching sleep with your mother?
John - Ford!!!
Aiden - Well it would 'haunt' your dreams or give you psychological damage.
John - Grodin, only because I barely know him and I think its his turn to go next.
Grodin - Sorry sir for any nightmares involving me that the Lieutenant may have caused you. Teyla and Rodney.
Teyla - Romance and without the lances if we can.
Aiden - That's no fair-
Rodney - Shut up Ford. Who would you like to cook you a romantic meal and then share a warm bubble bath with?
Grodin - Oh that's easy. Halling has told me that Teyla is a wonderful cook and gives a wonderful massage.
Aiden - Not only has no one picked me but I have never tasted any food made by Teyla and she always tells me to be quiet when I complain of a sore shoulder.
Carson - Lets wrap this up, Aiden I would love to play strip poker with you, there now it's your turn.
Aiden - Um, sir? Oh and Dr. Weir?
John - I really wish I could get that image out of my mind. I'm making a new category. Potluck, whatever you want to ask Liz.
Elizabeth - In that case. If you were taking part in an orgy, which four people would you want involved, and why?
Aiden - Dang, do I have to choose? Fine. Teyla and Rodney are a must. Carson. The only reason I tell him to be quiet is because that sexy accent distracts me. And you... Elizabeth, I've always dreamt of a climax with Ma'am on my lips.
John - T. M. I.
What’s Your Ideal Date?
Teyla - Hello Rodney.
Rodney - Hi.
Teyla - What's wrong? You seem... tired.
Rodney - I guess I am. Exhausted actually.
Teyla - In what way? Everything between John and you seems fine...?
Rodney - Oh. No things are great, for a new relationship. It's just sometimes with the missions and every crisis that happens, we don't have much time to just be together.
Teyla - I see. You mean when you two finally have time together all either of you can manage is *sweltering sex*?
Rodney - No. Sometimes it's quite passionate and slow. But yeah, we just don't have time to hang out. I really care about him, and I just want to do the little things again. The stuff we did before we admitted our feelings... that was fun.
Teyla - The bantering?
Rodney - Well...yeah. But I meant how he would always bug me out of the lab to do some inane search of the city. Or I would interrupt some training exercise he was doing with the soldiers, to get him to check some ancient tech. I just wanted his time to myself, you know?
Teyla - Yes. I know very well. It is similar to my relationship with Aiden. He showed a great deal of interest in the Athosian culture. Somehow I knew it was because of me that he was intrigued by all the details. Oh, and he enjoyed explaining little Earth quirks. Well,
American quirks, and *slang*. There seems to be more diversity on Earth, I guess it is because of how many people live there. I had to go to markets on other worlds to experience such novelties that other people can bring. I miss that. And the thought that all of that can be found on one planet... I love hearing about that, and yet I know he needs to speak about what's wrong there too.
Rodney - Sounds like you two really belong together.
Teyla - Yes, we do. You are right though. Now that we're together, there doesn't seem to be as much time spent in just getting to know about our backgrounds. I would never presume to know all there is about him and his past experiences. I love the discovery of new things, the... surprise. I miss that as well.
Rodney - You're tired too, aren't you. Is that why you were standing out here?
Teyla - Perhaps. Enjoying the fresh air and watching the ocean waves, it's wonderful, but I suppose it wasn't for peace or fun I came out here. It is a disappointment in myself for me to admit that I'm lonely. I'm with him, and yet I feel I'm missing out from what we had
before. Do you understand this?
Rodney - Quite a bit actually. I'm beginning to realize what we're both missing. Romance. The excitement of first dates. In this place, the first... courting moments... um, we just flirted in disguise of our friendships. There never was anything dangerous about it.
Teyla - Dangerous, you mean nervousness?
Rodney - Well, yeah, the chance of failure. Instead it was more day to day flutters...nevermind.
Teyla - No, I agree. The opportunity of rejection was paramount because it could affect our working relationships. It was a miracle that it worked out for both of us, and when it did, it was sudden. Maybe we're just trying to catch up now?
Rodney - I like that. We're not tired in any negative way, not lacking in anything at all really. This is just a break for us, a chance to look back at all the great things we both got in the love we found.
Teyla - Yes.
Rodney - I still want a date though. With tuxes, candles, specially prepared meals, that sort of thing. Yet I don't want to just wait for it to happen.
Teyla - Then we should make it happen for us. Perhaps both John and Aiden are missing the same things as us. We should surprise them. If this works out, next time it will be their turn.
Rodney - I like the way you think. Lets go, we've got a lot of planning ahead of us.
Part two
John - What do you think they've got planned? Must be a reason why they ordered us to dress our best.
Aiden - I think Rodney said that so you wouldn't try to go to this 'event' naked.
John - Now why would I go and do that?
Aiden - So you can laugh when Rodney slobbers on himself and tries to hump your leg.
John - Yeah. He got pretty mad when I said he treats me like a fire hydrant.
Aiden - That's because you were calling him a dog... didn't he slap you and tell you to never again infer that he was a bitch?
John - Ow. Yeah, it left quite the hand-print. But oh man, the sex afterwards with him trying to make it up to me. I'd insult him for that kind of lay if I thought it would work.
Aiden - You're sick, you know that, sir?
John - Hmm. So what kind of kinks have you and Teyla been experimenting with?
Aiden -
John - Oh I see that blush. I imagine she's quite feisty when you two are alone.
Aiden - If you don't mind, I'd rather not discuss how awesome my lady love is when it comes to physical fulfillment of lustful dreams.
John - Oh shut up. You just want to brag, don't you? Well fine, but there's nothing like having a Rodney mass grinding into you in the early morning hours. He certainly knows how to wake up one part of me, quite efficiently.
Aiden - TMI, sir. And please, Teyla is so flexible and commanding. When she's riding me and her hair is waving behind her, I just-
Elizabeth - A HEM. Hello boys. I will be your waitress for the evening. If you'll just follow me...
Aiden - Shit. Madam, sorry. Um, okay.
John - My Lady, what a fine evening. I'm sure we'll enjoy your services.
Elizabeth - Shut up Major. I'm doing this at Rodney's request.
Carson - And I am your host. Just around this corner is a table for your party. I'll seat them Liz, just tell Halling that they've arrived.
***
Carson - Welcome to Halling's Hideaway.
John - Oh my. What is all this?
Aiden - Where did the beautiful table-cloth come from?
Elizabeth - It was hand-made by the Athosians generations ago.
John - Are those candles? These plates, they look like china.
Aiden - Okay. Where's Teyla and Rodney?
Teyla - We are here.
Rodney - Hi guys.
John - Oh god. What? Your clothes? That suit, how did you? You look so beautiful.
Aiden - That's a beautiful dress Teyla.
Elizabeth - If you all will be seated now. The first course should be out soon.
Carson - May you enjoy your evening.
***
John - Okay, what did you two do all this for?
Aiden - This is amazing, and the food, so good.
Teyla - I'm happy to hear you enjoy it.
Rodney - Teyla and I were thinking that none of us have actually had a date together, so... we set this up so we could.
John - It's lovely. Now that we've finished eating... got anything else planned?
Aiden - I could sit here forever looking at you Teyla, you're so gorgeous in candle-light.
Rodney - Actually. Some of the Athosian villagers play music. They have this reed thing and some have containers that are like drums. We were thinking we could all dance.
Teyla - It's a peaceful night. One we wished to spend in our love's arms.
John - I... yeah. Let's do that.
Aiden - I haven't danced in ages.
Carson - Ah, I see you're finished. I'll tell the musicians to set up. If you'd like to refresh yourselves, the hut to your left has a vat of water you may use.
Elizabeth - We'll clean the table up, not to worry.
***
Rodney - Was this a good idea?
John - This was a marvelous idea. I don't think I've danced with you before. I like it, hold me closer?
Rodney - I'll always hold you as close as I can. I love you so much John.
John - The same Rodney.
Teyla - Have you enjoyed tonight?
Aiden - Immensely.
Teyla - Rodney and I believed our relationships were beginning to lack 'romance'. I hope this is not so anymore.
Aiden - Sorry. Hadn't had the time to go pick flowers. I'll find a way to now.
Teyla - That is not what I meant. I miss speaking about our pasts. I wish to continue learning about you.
Aiden - I don't want to sound corny. But you only need look in a mirror to see everything that's important in my life.
Teyla - You mean the universe to me as well. Much love I hold for you, Aiden.
Aiden - Love you too Teyla.
***
Carson - We have temporary lodging for all of you tonight. Teyla and Aiden, that room. John and Rodney, this way.
John - You guys have everything covered don't you?
Rodney - Well, I forgot the whipped cream.
John - That's alright. I'm sure we'll make do.
Aiden - So, any other plans?
Teyla - Tonight will live forever in your memory.
Aiden - Counting on it.
Elizabeth - Going to take us back to the city, Carson? I still have some reports to write.
Carson - Yeah, and then I may have set up our own romantic dinner at my place.
Elizabeth - You didn't?!
Carson - This way my lady.
Who would you rather babysit?
Rodney – Hey guys, it's Monday!
John – What are you going on about?
Rodney – Monday Madness, every Monday night we get together and play a Who Would You game.
Aiden – Oh yeah, we've gotten behind on that didn't we?
Teyla – At Elizabeth's insistence we took a break. Are we playing tonight?
Rodney – Hell yeah. I already have one figured out. Who Would You Babysit!
John – Are you drunk? There aren't that many children here, and babysitting adults is quite boring.
Rodney – No, no no. Each person at their turn picks somebody that they'd babysit, as well as the age of that person, based on how they think that person would behave.
Aiden – Then you have to tell everyone else what you were like at that age, that's brilliant!
Rodney – I am a genius. And no, it gets even better. Zelenka and I found an ancient machine that regresses people in age. It's completely reversible. So whoever goes first has to babysit that person for a day, or maybe a week.
Teyla – Would not this cause some problems, such a long stretch of time?
Rodney – Okay, three days. One person at a time, but we all have to choose our person and the age tonight.
John – I'll go gather the troops. This ought to get interesting.
***
Elizabeth – Rodney, you've lost your mind, haven't you?
Carson – No, it should be fun.
Radek – How did I ever get involved with you people?
Peter – Man, this ought to be good.
Charles Bates – Am I here to participate or to make sure you all don't kill each other?
Rodney – Funny. Maybe we'll make you babysit the babysitter.
Charles – I'd get to watch while the child drives you insane! Awesome, count me in.
Teyla – The process will not be too dangerous, will it Rodney?
Aiden – You've got to trust the doctor.
John – We are all crazy.
Rodney – Hmph. Anyways, we can only pick out of the people who are here. I've randomly selected who goes first, so Carson, pick your baby.
Carson – Oh my. Teyla. I imagine she was a responsible girl, age six?
Rodney – Okay Teyla, who do you want to babysit?
Teyla – Peter, age nine.
Peter – John, age seven.
John – Elizabeth, age two. I want to see how hellish she can be.
Elizabeth – You're playing with fire Major. Rodney, age thirteen.
Rodney – Odd, but okay. By the way, the change in age won't interfere with language communication. We'll all still be speaking English, that is if we can talk. Radek, age one.
John – I thought you didn't like kids, and you're taking on a baby?
Rodney – Yes, the age before the child learns how to say `no'.
Radek – Aiden, age three.
Aiden – Guess that leaves me with Carson. Age ten.
Rodney – This is going to be a blast. Now Charles, you get to decide who goes first into the chamber. Though it shouldn't be me, since I need the extra time to teach all of you the controls. Plus if there are any problems, I'm the most likely to be able to fix it. Also, not Carson, since we need him to make sure the child stays healthy.
Charles – Hmm. I think the Major issued a challenge earlier, so Dr. Weir… I guess we'll be seeing you at age two.
Day One
Rodney – Elizabeth, we’ll miss you.
Elizabeth – Well, I’m not exactly going anywhere, I’m just deaging.
Peter – Like that Mario Brothers movie.
Carson – No, in that movie you would have turned into an ape.
John – So Liz, what were you like as a two year old?
Elizabeth – Honestly John, I don’t remember. My parents though would probably warn you against this. They said I was quite a lot to handle.
Rodney – No going back now, John. Okay Radek, if you would gently guide Elizabeth to where she’s supposed to stand. Good good. Okay John, place your hand here, this will designate you as the child’s caretaker. Everyone stand back!
Carson – Why, what’s going to happen?
Rodney – Nothing, I just felt like yelling.
Teyla – I have baby clothes for her.
Rodney – Guess we’re ready then. On the count of three. One. Two.
Elizabeth – No! Get me out of here you big meanie. Mommy!!
Teyla – If you men will turn around, I’ll fit her into the new clothes.
***
John – I guess it worked. She’s so cute. Ouch!
Aiden – What did I miss? Oh my, is that Dr. Weir?
John – Ow, yes it is. In fact Elizabeth just stomped on my foot.
Elizabeth – Uncle Johnny is not allowed to call me cute.
John – I promise I never will again. Would you like some breakfast?
Elizabeth – Maybe, what we eat?
John – We have Athosian rice. Come with me.
Elizabeth – Your hand so much bigger than mine.
John – Don’t worry, you’ll grow.
Charles Bates – Okay then, I guess I’ll be watching over you two.
Elizabeth – You?
Charles – Uncle Charlie as my nephew would call me.
Elizabeth – Come with us Char.
Rodney – This is going to be good.
***
Radek – I have to know Rodney, do you have any idea how to take care of babies, because I’m not sure I want to put my little life in your hands.
Rodney – Oh posh, I’ll do fine.
Carson – Right, because we all known you bloody love children.
Rodney – Babies are different. And if it’ll make you feel any better Radek, I’ve taken care of babies before. Hell, I’ve taken care of older children too, that’s why I know I don’t like them.
Carson – When were you taking care of children?
Rodney – Shh, don’t tell anybody else, but I used to teach second grade.
John – You were a teacher!
Rodney – Egad, where did you come from?
John – Just chasing our own terrible two around the base. And there she is, better stop her from knocking the food to the floor.
Rodney – Do you think anybody heard him shout that?
Aiden – Nah, only me and everyone in the mess heard him.
Rodney – I’m doomed.
Carson – Don’t be so melodramatic. What I don’t get is where we’re supposed to get diapers for when Radek here is shrinked.
Rodney – We’ll figure something out.
Aiden – For now, why don’t we take pictures of John. Lizzy looks about to bite him.
Rodney – Aww, reminds me of my cat. Gosh I miss my little Dr. Sugarpuss.
Radek – Carson, are you okay?
Carson – Choking, help. ______ Thanks. I can’t believe you named your cat that. What in heavens were you thinking?
***
Charles – Is she allowed to be typing in that laptop?
John – I made sure she couldn’t access anything important. And it’s not like she’s actually make sense with what she’s writing.
Peter – Are you sure, because from here it looks like she’s typing Johnny’s a dick, but it could just be me.
John – She’s WHAT?
Peter – Hah, made you look.
John – What are you five?
Peter – Not yet.
Charles – I’m so glad I’m not taking part in your weird games.
Aiden – Still, it could be arranged.
John – Ford, help me out here.
Aiden – Sir?
John – Elizabeth is covered in dust and grime from rolling all over the floor. I’m supposed to give her a bath. You think it’d be wrong if I just dunked her in the ocean.
Aiden – Yes, sir, I’m afraid that would be wrong sir.
John – Darn. Okay, when I get back, we’ll need to plan on some clean games to play.
***
Elizabeth – Turnee around.
John – Why?
Elizabeth – Men no see me naked. It’s the rules.
John – I’ll be sure to remember you said that. But I’m still supposed to clean you up.
Elizabeth – Fine. But you have to keep your eyes closed.
John – Don’t you think that’ll make it difficult for me to wash you?
Elizabeth – No.
John – Fine. Hey, Teyla, yeah. Okay. See you soon.
Elizabeth – What?
John – Teyla’s a girl, she’ll clean you.
***
Aiden – Yo, Rodster, we need to come up with a nice clean game to play with Liz.
Rodney – How about a nice clean game called Nap Time.
John – Wonderful idea. I could definitely use one.
Rodney – Not you. Elizabeth.
John – So Liz, lets walk over here.
Elizabeth – NO!
John – What if I pick you up instead?
Elizabeth – Okay. What we doing?
John – Ack you’re heavy.
Elizabeth – Am not.
John – We’re going to lie down on this couch and watch… TELE-TUBBIES?! Who the heck brought that with them?
Rodney – Ugh, not another one of O’Neill’s jokes.
Elizabeth – Sleepy time first.
John – You’re right. We can watch gay cuddly muppet wannabes later.
***
Teyla – They are so sweet looking together. She leaning against him, and him softly drooling onto the pillow.
Aiden – Picture perfect moment.
Rodney – Leave them be. She’s finally not running around.
Charles – Yeah, maybe next time she should take a nap before evening.
Carson – He’s right, naptime has turned into bedtime.
Radek – Here’s a blanket. Nighty night Major.
(That's all she wrote.)
Who Would You Rather?
by libra_traveller
Rated R
Teyla - Major Sheppard, I was wondering if you could teach me one of your games from Earth?
John - Football? I could-
Teyla - No, a spoken game.
John - Erm, Rodney?
Rodney - No.
Aiden - Hey, I got an idea. We could play 'Who would you rather..."
John/Rodney - NOOOO!!
Teyla - This sounds intriguing. How is it played?
Aiden - Well, you take three people, and have to choose which of the three you would rather have sex with, which would you rather marry, and which one would you rather push off a cliff. As we're a group of four, we can start with each other.
John - Oh no.
Rodney - Not again.
Teyla - This should be... fun.
Aiden - I'll go first. Let’s start with the easiest... I would rather push *Rodney* off a cliff.
Rodney - HEY!
Aiden - I would marry... Teyla.
Teyla - That is sweet.
Aiden - I would *cough* have sex *cough* with John.
John - Ford.
Aiden - I wasn't about to say *that* and call you Major.
Teyla - I will go next.
John - Fine.
Teyla - Lets see...who would I rather have as a life-long mate?
Three men - *gulp*
Teyla - Who would I rather have a night of pleasure with?
Three men - *groan*
Teyla - and who would I see dead?
Rodney - For the love of God, answer the question already.
Teyla - *grin* I would rather... marry... Rodney.
Aiden - What?!
Rodney - Really...?
John - Even I knew that.
Teyla - I would rather have sex with, Aiden.
John - You'd push ME off a cliff?!
Teyla - Most certainly.
John - Fine. My turn. I would rather marry A...iden. Have sex with Rodney and THROW Teyla off a cliff.
Rodney/Aiden/Teyla - What???
John - You heard me.
Rodney - Fine. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. I'd marry John, push AIDEN off a cliff and have hot passionate sex with Teyla.
John - Of course you would.
Who would you rather not?
Teyla - This was quite fun. Perhaps we can continue this another time?
Aiden - Sure. We can all think of three people to put together for a choice.
Rodney - Just great. Last time I was roped into this, serious trouble. It's why I moved from Canada.
John - Oh. Why... bye Teyla. Why did you have to leave?
Rodney - Well, some friends... okay co-workers and I played a slightly different version of this game.
Aiden - Different how?
Rodney - It was called 'who would you rather not'. Out of a group of five, who would you rather not have rescue you in a life or death situation, who would you rather not introduce to family and friends, who would you rather not sleep with, who would you rather not see
naked, and who would you rather not be locked in a cell with.
John - Huh.
Aiden - What he said.
Rodney - The worst part... if you said 'I'd rather not sleep with so and so' you're saying you'd like to see them naked, as well as the other stuff.
John - Wait a minute, so for that person you wouldn't want to see naked, you'd still sleep with them?!
Rodney - Pretty much. There were plenty of variations of this game, the more contradictions the better.
Aiden - So how'd you get into trouble?
Rodney - Well, our boss walked in-
John - Fuck.
Rodney - Exactly. He was annoyed but amused and since it was my turn and he was one of the choices, he made me finish.
Aiden - Damn.
Rodney - Unfortunately, he showed up just as I was finishing, so I couldn't change any of my answers.
John - What did you say?
Rodney - Well there was this woman mixed up in the choice who no way would I want touching me... I said 'I would rather not see my boss naked'.
Aiden - But you'd sleep with him??
Rodney - Yep. I had in fact. So he got insulted, later yelling at me for not thinking he's attractive-
John - Wait one minute. You were sleeping with your boss?!
Rodney - Yes.
Aiden - Hmm.
John - Feel like doing that again?
Who would you do what to?
Rodney - Actually John I'd rather not. This isn't Earth, if I piss you off I can't just move to another country. Ford, can you go find Teyla, I have an idea for how we should continue this game.
Aiden - Um, sure. Just don't make it too complicated.
John - Bring some *drinks* back with you. So Rodders, what's this fab idea of yours?
Rodney - Rodders?! What the heck!
John - Hey if you aren't planning on sleeping with me, I should at least be allowed to give you nicknames.
Rodney - Says who?
John - Says your very horny boss.
Rodney - Fine. But I get to make up nicknames for you too.
John - Do your worst.
Rodney - I will.
Aiden - I got Teyla and I brought beer.
John - Not to be a nit-pick...I'll explain later... but shouldn't it be 'I brought Teyla and I got beer'?
Aiden - Nope, Teyla's mine. As for the beer I had to coax it out of Carson's hands.
Teyla - Aiden is quite mistaken, he is MINE. Rodney, what is this plan Aiden mentioned.
Rodney - Well, I was thinking so as to make the game more challenging, we could play who/what have you and haven't you done. One person chooses three people on Atlantis and three activities having them match up. The other three players have to guess which activity goes with which person and whether or not you were involved. At least one of the people and activities should have involved you.
John - That's not challenging. It's boooring.
Aiden - The alcohol should fix that.
John - I'd have to drink quite a lot to think this will be fun.
Teyla - I think we should *spice* things up. What if the player who makes the correct guess has to make out with the person who's turn it is.
Rodney - Sounds like a plan. Who should go first?
John/Aiden - You. You thought of it.
John/Aiden - Stop that.
Rodney - I hated those books.
Teyla - Why don't I go first. I already thought of three people, now I just need three activities to go with them.
John - Okay, then.
Aiden - Which people did you choose?
Teyla - Elizabeth, Peter, and Carson.
Aiden - Now what have or haven't you done with them?
Teyla - Hmm, lets start simple. Kiss, tongue, and sniffed.
Rodney - (blink blink)
John - (drops jaw)
Aiden - (licked lips)
Teyla - It is time to match them together, is it not?
Rodney - Um, yeah. Okay, you haven't tongued Elizabeth. You have kissed Carson. You have sniffed Peter.
John - Why did you say she kissed Carson?
Rodney - 'Cause I've seen her making out with him.
Aiden - Teyla!! When was this?
Teyla - Yesterday, but it was not a kiss. He simply asked me if his lips looked chapped. I could not tell by sight, so I checked it out by touching-
Aiden - By kissing him. Sure, why not. Wait, does this mean that Rodney's answers are wrong?
Teyla - One of his answers was right.
John - So you were sniffing Peter out. I told him that cologne was too weak, you have to get up close to smell it.
Teyla - Yes.
Aiden - Fine. You have kissed Elizabeth, and you haven't tongued Carson, yet.
Teyla - This is true, I have yet to 'swap spit' with Carson.
Rodney - John! What have you been teaching her? Wait, what do you mean you've kissed Elizabeth?
John - Stop interrogating her, already.
Rodney - I just want to know when the next time will be so I can watch.
Teyla - You are invited to join Elizabeth and I anytime, Rodney.
Rodney - See, Johnsy, I didn't upset her one bit.
John - Is that all you've got, Johnsy?
Rodney - No, Joystick, it isn't.
Aiden - Okay then, I think we should move this along. Why don't I keep those people. Activities: dressed, fed, bathed.
John - Ford, what have you been doing. I thought you got over your desire to nursemaid?
Rodney - Hey, wait a minute. Teyla and Aiden were supposed to be making out now, right?
John - Yep. Aiden, how could you forget?!
Aiden - Um.
Teyla - Aiden and I shall go over here and fulfill the requirements of this game. Start matching while we're away.
Aiden - Uh, Teyla, where are we.... oh okay. See you guys.
Rodney - How long do you think they'll be gone?
John - I have no clue but I don't plan on being here when they return. It isn't that the thought of kissing Ford makes me uncomfortable or anything. Yet thinking about Ford bathing Carson or Peter, even Elizabeth, disturbs me.
Rodney - I have a game we could play.
John - What's that?
Rodney - The first person to my quarters, bottoms.
John - What? You said you wouldn't sleep with your boss?!
Rodney - And I won't. You'll be calling me Major, and I promise I can live up to those expectations. Bye.
John - Fuck!! No way are you getting there first.
***
Aiden - Sir? McKay?
Teyla - They left the beer.
Aiden - All the more for us. Does that invitation you gave to Rodney apply to me?
Teyla - Yes, Carson and Elizabeth will be pleased.
Who would you (blank) in which genre?
Elizabeth - Rodney, John, it's nice we managed to run into you two. Aiden and Teyla spoke to Carson and I about this game and we thought we would join in.
Carson - It sounds like brilliant fun, know any other versions, Rodney?
Rodney - Er, John?
John - I suppose we could come up with something. Will it be just the four of us?
Elizabeth - For now.
John - Then if you'll just give us a minute we'll confer and... Dammit Rodney. What did we do to piss off Teyla and Aiden?!
Rodney - Well, after we... you know... I did go to Aiden's room and stole back the beer. Maybe that's what this is about?
John - Probably. So what are we going to do now. That game is not safe to play with the boss. You know that from personal experience.
Rodney - Stop bringing that up. Maybe I can come up with a more G-rated version of the game.
John - Or you could make it more R-rated and highly unlikely- so no one could possibly take any offense?
Elizabeth - YOU KNOW WE COULD ALL FIGURE OUT THE RULES TOGETHER.
John - Ow. I hear you. Fine, Rodney after you. Just remember, the only way you're leaving Atlantis is through that gate to Tartarus.
Rodney - Oh, funny. Carson, buddy, John and I are at a loss. Do you have any preference for how we do this? Perhaps something that would be appropriate to teach the Athosian children how to play??
Carson - Well, I don't know about that. What I'm considering is definitely for adults only.
John - Oh?
Elizabeth - Yes Carson?
Carson - Well... if we play this in rounds each person picking say a specific category to
base the choices in-
Rodney - What kind of categories are we talking about here?
Carson - Oh.. Adventure, Romance, Mystery, and... something Gothic.
John - Gothic, Mystery?? Sounds like Scooby Doo to me. What do you think Daphne?
Elizabeth - Major.
John - Sorry, Ma'am.
Rodney - Sounds like fun... lets set this up say tomorrow at noon-
Elizabeth - What about now? You can't possibly be busy this very moment.
Rodney - Sure, I was just hoping..thinking you may have had some work to do. Okay.
John, go find the last of the beer and meet us in my lab-
Carson - Why are we going there?
Rodney - I have to shut down some experiments I had running... Okay, John go.
***
John - That wasn't very nice Roddy.
Rodney - What did I say about the nicknames!!
John - Only in bed while we're-
Rodney - Exactly! Now shush. They're about to wake up.
John - I really don't think electrocuting them was the best-
Rodney - I DIDN'T electrocute them. I simply gave them a truth serum... what?
John - And you were calling Carson's work, voodoo. Besides I definitely saw sparks
jumping off them.
Rodney - That probably had more to do with the crack you were sniffing before you arrived.
John - I was not... okay so maybe I did, but Elizabeth can be very scary with her hair down. Hey, you changed the subject. Where did this truth serum come from??
Rodney - I may have snatched it from Teyla's belongings that time Bates made me search them.
John - You sneaky thief. No wonder you got me to confess my love to you, I bet you snuck me some of that stuff too-
Rodney - I did not. Don't go blaming some innocent serum just because you're a big romantic sap.
John - Okay, I'll admit it. I'm only reading 'War and Peace' because I'm hoping for a happy ending.
Rodney - Dangit, what am I going to do with you. Come here you goof... mmuh... I love you so much...mm
Carson - Ugh... not again. Rodney, how did you get a hold of Teyla's tell all drugs?
Elizabeth - Hunh... oh, that stuff. Teyla uses it so many times on me its a wonder it still works.
Carson - What does she use it on you for?
Elizabeth- Without it she doesn't believe me when I compliment her on her... performance. What about you?
Carson - Just for fun.
Rodney - John, get off already our guests are awake.
John - So, if we ask them if they want to join us they'll answer truthfully.
Rodney - Next time dear. We have other plans first remember?
John - Okay toots, but I want to use the light in the face interrogation technique from movies.
Elizabeth - Fine, can we get on with this. To be honest, I would rather join the kissy stuff, when you two talk its so dull. Any bickering heard around the base comes with the taxing restraint of not telling you to get a room.
Rodney - So sorry that you can't understand the joy of witty foreplay-
John - You think I'm witty?
Carson - I much prefer the bickering actually. The sap around here of late makes me yearn for a good waffle.
Rodney - Of course John, you think I'd let just anyone balance my equations?
John - Lets just leave them for awhile.
***
Aiden - Where do you think they stuffed Dr. Weir and Dr. Beckett?
Teyla - Stuffed? But they are not turkeys and Thanksgiving is long past-
Aiden - It means 'hidden'.
Teyla - I see. Lets check McKay's lab. The Major and him probably left Carson and Elizabeth in there while they attended to other things. That is an appropriate phrase when referring to such matters?
Aiden - Yep. The rule is to be as vague as possible when in company, and then in private be as creative in your insinuation.
Teyla - Such as Rodney convinced John to light up his power source?
Aiden - WTF... uh yeah, that's an accurate way of putting it. That's even works for writing up a report. Damn you're good.
Teyla - I could prove that to you. What is the phrase I've heard? Ah yes... I could rev your engines?
Aiden - You're on.
Teyla - Top?
***
Kavanaugh - What do we have here? Two doctors. What has McKay done this time?
Carson - He fed us a drug that makes us tell the truth.
Elizabeth - Then he left with Major Sheppard to have hot sex.
Kavanaugh - Sweet. Now, answer me this. Why does everyone on the base hate me?
Elizabeth - It's the pony-tail, you look like a retarded hippy suffering from crack withdrawal.
Carson - You walk around the base as if you have a stick up your-
Elizabeth - And though you are as arrogant as Rodney, you don't have his good looks to make up for it.
Carson - And you hate chocolate which is just not normal.
Elizabeth - You're not very witty.
Carson - You have bad teeth.
Elizabeth - You-
Kavanaugh - Enough!!! I get it. I'm a prick. Fine. Sheesh I liked it better when you two lied.
Elizabeth - What was his problem, we were just being honest.
Carson - Don't know. Some people can't handle the truth.
***
Rodney - Where's my shirt?
John - I think it's under the bed. Have you seen my socks? Oh, thanks. My dog tags?
Rodney - Look below. How could you forget?
John - Oh, right. That was memorable.
Rodney - Daniel taught me how to do it. Lets go grab Aiden and Teyla, I think it's game time.
***
Aiden - Blast it. Who's knocking. Can't you see the rubber band I taped to the door?!
John - Doesn't count if there's no door-knob.
Aiden - Damn, he's right. Come on in. Maybe you can help us finish.
Rodney - Hello Teyla. Aiden, a little to the left.
Teyla - OH! Thank you Rodney.
Rodney - No problem. So John, what's the game plan?
John - Carson and Liz have probably finished the beer by now. Aiden?
Aiden - Almost there sir.
John - No rush.
Rodney - We should pick up Grodin and Bazooka, that should make things more interesting.
Aiden/Teyla - ZELENKA!
John - Okay, get dressed guys.
***
Zelenka - Why do you think we were called down to McKay's lab?
Grodin - Probably for another one of their kinky games. There really isn't much else to do on Atlantis.
Zelenka - Do you think we'll be able to keep our clothes this time?
Grodin - I hope so. Remember going back to our quarters? Everyone was so jealous.
Zelenka - Yeah. It took forever to get the stains off my skin. Did we ever figure out where that ink came from?
Grodin - I heard it was a gift from Major Davis.
Zelenka - Possibly, though I think he got it from the Russian General. Oh hi Lizzy, hi Becky.
Carson - You know, I love it when you call me that.
Grodin - Teyla's truth serum?
Elizabeth - Carson what are you talking about?
Carson - Well, every time he calls me that it gives me the excuse to pull out the big needles.
Zelenka - You Scots don't scare me.
Carson - Someday laddie you'll take that back.
Grodin - Is the Rodster going to be here soon?
John - Hey! I'm the only one allowed to give Rodney nicknames.
Grodin - You only started that recently, I've been calling him the Rodster ever since he tried to pull one over Sammy.
Aiden - Hey. Oh that. I remember watching the security tapes, that was great.
Rodney - Yeah yeah yeah. It wasn't that bad.
Teyla - What occured? This was at the SGC?
Aiden - Oh yeah, elevator actually.
John - So what happened?
Grodin - Rodney went after Sam Carter, upset she didn't care about his music teacher's devastating remark.
Aiden - Then she looked him in the eye and said she'd been to one of his Piano Concerts at Area 51, it seems he was their nightly entertainment, did jazz and blues songs regularly.
Elizabeth - What, Rodney that's so classic.
Rodney - Hey I didn't lie about the music teacher thing, I just failed to mention that she was just upset I wasn't interested in serenading her and her husband at night.
John - How come you didn't want to?
Rodney - Curfew.
Carson - Ah. Let me guess, the husband was quite the hairy guy?
Rodney - That and he kept coming on to me.
Teyla - This is all very intriguing but don't we have a game to play.
Grodin - See, I told you so.
***
Rodney - Okay, now that we're all settled on these lovely tables, Carson take it from the top.
Aiden - *cough*
Carson - Well then, Rodney why don't you choose the first player-
Rodney - Liz.
Carson - Okay, Elizabeth, choose who you want to pick the category, and who the question.
Elizabeth - John and Teyla.
John - Adventure.
Teyla - Who would you do in the Puddle-Jumper cockpit with a crowbar?
Elizabeth - Definitely Zelenka.
Zelenka - Excuse me?
Carson - Your turn laddie, looks like you have someone else to be scared of.
Zelenka - Fine. McKay and Grodin.
Rodney - Gothic.
Grodin - Who's ghost would you have haunt you?
Zelenka - I suppose Carson's, I've never heard a Scottish ghost 'boo' at me.
Rodney - You've heard other ghosts boo you?
Zelenka - I swear my Granny's been haunting me for years. It's why I took this mission.
Grodin - Did she travel with you through the gate?
Zelenka - No, but McKay sure does a fine impression of her.
Rodney - She was nice, she gave me candies.
Zelenka - You never met my Granny, that was my uncle and he's not dead yet.
Carson - I guess it's my turn. Elizabeth if you would do the honors, and Aiden.
Elizabeth - Romance.
Aiden - If you had to fight a dragon to rescue a damsel in distress-
Rodney - That's not romance.
Aiden - The romantic story must have knights in shining armor. As I was saying, who would your damsel in distress be?
Carson - The only person I think that would fit the role is Rodney here.
Rodney - I resent that even if it's true, damn truth serum.
Teyla - What did you say Rodney?
Rodney - It's Bates' fault.
Teyla - We'll see.
Rodney - Okay then. Zelenka and John.
Zelenka - Mystery. Oh and before you ask, I've played this with Becky before.
John - If your body was found floating out in the ocean, who would you want to solve your murder?
Rodney - Well not you since it sounds like you'll be the most likely suspect. Teyla. She's bright and could probably seduce the answer from somebody.
Teyla - As I understand it you just called me a 'slut', thanks for the compliment. Grodin and Elizabeth.
Grodin - No one calls me Peter anymore, and if they do it's to ask me about spidey senses. Adventure.
Elizabeth - Trapped down in a Wraith Hive ship, who would your companion be?
Teyla - Major Sheppard, he is good with a weapon and would make a quick lay if the situation was dire.
John - Huh, Rodney, I'm not that fast am I?
Rodney - Hey it's okay babe, you're just used to needing to be finished before someone calls on you.
John - Well everybody does seem to need my time. Carson and Aiden.
Carson - If you need to be examined, ouch, sorry... Gothic.
Aiden - Who would you be the most comfortable watching sleep with your mother?
John - Ford!!!
Aiden - Well it would 'haunt' your dreams or give you psychological damage.
John - Grodin, only because I barely know him and I think its his turn to go next.
Grodin - Sorry sir for any nightmares involving me that the Lieutenant may have caused you. Teyla and Rodney.
Teyla - Romance and without the lances if we can.
Aiden - That's no fair-
Rodney - Shut up Ford. Who would you like to cook you a romantic meal and then share a warm bubble bath with?
Grodin - Oh that's easy. Halling has told me that Teyla is a wonderful cook and gives a wonderful massage.
Aiden - Not only has no one picked me but I have never tasted any food made by Teyla and she always tells me to be quiet when I complain of a sore shoulder.
Carson - Lets wrap this up, Aiden I would love to play strip poker with you, there now it's your turn.
Aiden - Um, sir? Oh and Dr. Weir?
John - I really wish I could get that image out of my mind. I'm making a new category. Potluck, whatever you want to ask Liz.
Elizabeth - In that case. If you were taking part in an orgy, which four people would you want involved, and why?
Aiden - Dang, do I have to choose? Fine. Teyla and Rodney are a must. Carson. The only reason I tell him to be quiet is because that sexy accent distracts me. And you... Elizabeth, I've always dreamt of a climax with Ma'am on my lips.
John - T. M. I.
What’s Your Ideal Date?
Teyla - Hello Rodney.
Rodney - Hi.
Teyla - What's wrong? You seem... tired.
Rodney - I guess I am. Exhausted actually.
Teyla - In what way? Everything between John and you seems fine...?
Rodney - Oh. No things are great, for a new relationship. It's just sometimes with the missions and every crisis that happens, we don't have much time to just be together.
Teyla - I see. You mean when you two finally have time together all either of you can manage is *sweltering sex*?
Rodney - No. Sometimes it's quite passionate and slow. But yeah, we just don't have time to hang out. I really care about him, and I just want to do the little things again. The stuff we did before we admitted our feelings... that was fun.
Teyla - The bantering?
Rodney - Well...yeah. But I meant how he would always bug me out of the lab to do some inane search of the city. Or I would interrupt some training exercise he was doing with the soldiers, to get him to check some ancient tech. I just wanted his time to myself, you know?
Teyla - Yes. I know very well. It is similar to my relationship with Aiden. He showed a great deal of interest in the Athosian culture. Somehow I knew it was because of me that he was intrigued by all the details. Oh, and he enjoyed explaining little Earth quirks. Well,
American quirks, and *slang*. There seems to be more diversity on Earth, I guess it is because of how many people live there. I had to go to markets on other worlds to experience such novelties that other people can bring. I miss that. And the thought that all of that can be found on one planet... I love hearing about that, and yet I know he needs to speak about what's wrong there too.
Rodney - Sounds like you two really belong together.
Teyla - Yes, we do. You are right though. Now that we're together, there doesn't seem to be as much time spent in just getting to know about our backgrounds. I would never presume to know all there is about him and his past experiences. I love the discovery of new things, the... surprise. I miss that as well.
Rodney - You're tired too, aren't you. Is that why you were standing out here?
Teyla - Perhaps. Enjoying the fresh air and watching the ocean waves, it's wonderful, but I suppose it wasn't for peace or fun I came out here. It is a disappointment in myself for me to admit that I'm lonely. I'm with him, and yet I feel I'm missing out from what we had
before. Do you understand this?
Rodney - Quite a bit actually. I'm beginning to realize what we're both missing. Romance. The excitement of first dates. In this place, the first... courting moments... um, we just flirted in disguise of our friendships. There never was anything dangerous about it.
Teyla - Dangerous, you mean nervousness?
Rodney - Well, yeah, the chance of failure. Instead it was more day to day flutters...nevermind.
Teyla - No, I agree. The opportunity of rejection was paramount because it could affect our working relationships. It was a miracle that it worked out for both of us, and when it did, it was sudden. Maybe we're just trying to catch up now?
Rodney - I like that. We're not tired in any negative way, not lacking in anything at all really. This is just a break for us, a chance to look back at all the great things we both got in the love we found.
Teyla - Yes.
Rodney - I still want a date though. With tuxes, candles, specially prepared meals, that sort of thing. Yet I don't want to just wait for it to happen.
Teyla - Then we should make it happen for us. Perhaps both John and Aiden are missing the same things as us. We should surprise them. If this works out, next time it will be their turn.
Rodney - I like the way you think. Lets go, we've got a lot of planning ahead of us.
Part two
John - What do you think they've got planned? Must be a reason why they ordered us to dress our best.
Aiden - I think Rodney said that so you wouldn't try to go to this 'event' naked.
John - Now why would I go and do that?
Aiden - So you can laugh when Rodney slobbers on himself and tries to hump your leg.
John - Yeah. He got pretty mad when I said he treats me like a fire hydrant.
Aiden - That's because you were calling him a dog... didn't he slap you and tell you to never again infer that he was a bitch?
John - Ow. Yeah, it left quite the hand-print. But oh man, the sex afterwards with him trying to make it up to me. I'd insult him for that kind of lay if I thought it would work.
Aiden - You're sick, you know that, sir?
John - Hmm. So what kind of kinks have you and Teyla been experimenting with?
Aiden -
John - Oh I see that blush. I imagine she's quite feisty when you two are alone.
Aiden - If you don't mind, I'd rather not discuss how awesome my lady love is when it comes to physical fulfillment of lustful dreams.
John - Oh shut up. You just want to brag, don't you? Well fine, but there's nothing like having a Rodney mass grinding into you in the early morning hours. He certainly knows how to wake up one part of me, quite efficiently.
Aiden - TMI, sir. And please, Teyla is so flexible and commanding. When she's riding me and her hair is waving behind her, I just-
Elizabeth - A HEM. Hello boys. I will be your waitress for the evening. If you'll just follow me...
Aiden - Shit. Madam, sorry. Um, okay.
John - My Lady, what a fine evening. I'm sure we'll enjoy your services.
Elizabeth - Shut up Major. I'm doing this at Rodney's request.
Carson - And I am your host. Just around this corner is a table for your party. I'll seat them Liz, just tell Halling that they've arrived.
***
Carson - Welcome to Halling's Hideaway.
John - Oh my. What is all this?
Aiden - Where did the beautiful table-cloth come from?
Elizabeth - It was hand-made by the Athosians generations ago.
John - Are those candles? These plates, they look like china.
Aiden - Okay. Where's Teyla and Rodney?
Teyla - We are here.
Rodney - Hi guys.
John - Oh god. What? Your clothes? That suit, how did you? You look so beautiful.
Aiden - That's a beautiful dress Teyla.
Elizabeth - If you all will be seated now. The first course should be out soon.
Carson - May you enjoy your evening.
***
John - Okay, what did you two do all this for?
Aiden - This is amazing, and the food, so good.
Teyla - I'm happy to hear you enjoy it.
Rodney - Teyla and I were thinking that none of us have actually had a date together, so... we set this up so we could.
John - It's lovely. Now that we've finished eating... got anything else planned?
Aiden - I could sit here forever looking at you Teyla, you're so gorgeous in candle-light.
Rodney - Actually. Some of the Athosian villagers play music. They have this reed thing and some have containers that are like drums. We were thinking we could all dance.
Teyla - It's a peaceful night. One we wished to spend in our love's arms.
John - I... yeah. Let's do that.
Aiden - I haven't danced in ages.
Carson - Ah, I see you're finished. I'll tell the musicians to set up. If you'd like to refresh yourselves, the hut to your left has a vat of water you may use.
Elizabeth - We'll clean the table up, not to worry.
***
Rodney - Was this a good idea?
John - This was a marvelous idea. I don't think I've danced with you before. I like it, hold me closer?
Rodney - I'll always hold you as close as I can. I love you so much John.
John - The same Rodney.
Teyla - Have you enjoyed tonight?
Aiden - Immensely.
Teyla - Rodney and I believed our relationships were beginning to lack 'romance'. I hope this is not so anymore.
Aiden - Sorry. Hadn't had the time to go pick flowers. I'll find a way to now.
Teyla - That is not what I meant. I miss speaking about our pasts. I wish to continue learning about you.
Aiden - I don't want to sound corny. But you only need look in a mirror to see everything that's important in my life.
Teyla - You mean the universe to me as well. Much love I hold for you, Aiden.
Aiden - Love you too Teyla.
***
Carson - We have temporary lodging for all of you tonight. Teyla and Aiden, that room. John and Rodney, this way.
John - You guys have everything covered don't you?
Rodney - Well, I forgot the whipped cream.
John - That's alright. I'm sure we'll make do.
Aiden - So, any other plans?
Teyla - Tonight will live forever in your memory.
Aiden - Counting on it.
Elizabeth - Going to take us back to the city, Carson? I still have some reports to write.
Carson - Yeah, and then I may have set up our own romantic dinner at my place.
Elizabeth - You didn't?!
Carson - This way my lady.
Who would you rather babysit?
Rodney – Hey guys, it's Monday!
John – What are you going on about?
Rodney – Monday Madness, every Monday night we get together and play a Who Would You game.
Aiden – Oh yeah, we've gotten behind on that didn't we?
Teyla – At Elizabeth's insistence we took a break. Are we playing tonight?
Rodney – Hell yeah. I already have one figured out. Who Would You Babysit!
John – Are you drunk? There aren't that many children here, and babysitting adults is quite boring.
Rodney – No, no no. Each person at their turn picks somebody that they'd babysit, as well as the age of that person, based on how they think that person would behave.
Aiden – Then you have to tell everyone else what you were like at that age, that's brilliant!
Rodney – I am a genius. And no, it gets even better. Zelenka and I found an ancient machine that regresses people in age. It's completely reversible. So whoever goes first has to babysit that person for a day, or maybe a week.
Teyla – Would not this cause some problems, such a long stretch of time?
Rodney – Okay, three days. One person at a time, but we all have to choose our person and the age tonight.
John – I'll go gather the troops. This ought to get interesting.
***
Elizabeth – Rodney, you've lost your mind, haven't you?
Carson – No, it should be fun.
Radek – How did I ever get involved with you people?
Peter – Man, this ought to be good.
Charles Bates – Am I here to participate or to make sure you all don't kill each other?
Rodney – Funny. Maybe we'll make you babysit the babysitter.
Charles – I'd get to watch while the child drives you insane! Awesome, count me in.
Teyla – The process will not be too dangerous, will it Rodney?
Aiden – You've got to trust the doctor.
John – We are all crazy.
Rodney – Hmph. Anyways, we can only pick out of the people who are here. I've randomly selected who goes first, so Carson, pick your baby.
Carson – Oh my. Teyla. I imagine she was a responsible girl, age six?
Rodney – Okay Teyla, who do you want to babysit?
Teyla – Peter, age nine.
Peter – John, age seven.
John – Elizabeth, age two. I want to see how hellish she can be.
Elizabeth – You're playing with fire Major. Rodney, age thirteen.
Rodney – Odd, but okay. By the way, the change in age won't interfere with language communication. We'll all still be speaking English, that is if we can talk. Radek, age one.
John – I thought you didn't like kids, and you're taking on a baby?
Rodney – Yes, the age before the child learns how to say `no'.
Radek – Aiden, age three.
Aiden – Guess that leaves me with Carson. Age ten.
Rodney – This is going to be a blast. Now Charles, you get to decide who goes first into the chamber. Though it shouldn't be me, since I need the extra time to teach all of you the controls. Plus if there are any problems, I'm the most likely to be able to fix it. Also, not Carson, since we need him to make sure the child stays healthy.
Charles – Hmm. I think the Major issued a challenge earlier, so Dr. Weir… I guess we'll be seeing you at age two.
Day One
Rodney – Elizabeth, we’ll miss you.
Elizabeth – Well, I’m not exactly going anywhere, I’m just deaging.
Peter – Like that Mario Brothers movie.
Carson – No, in that movie you would have turned into an ape.
John – So Liz, what were you like as a two year old?
Elizabeth – Honestly John, I don’t remember. My parents though would probably warn you against this. They said I was quite a lot to handle.
Rodney – No going back now, John. Okay Radek, if you would gently guide Elizabeth to where she’s supposed to stand. Good good. Okay John, place your hand here, this will designate you as the child’s caretaker. Everyone stand back!
Carson – Why, what’s going to happen?
Rodney – Nothing, I just felt like yelling.
Teyla – I have baby clothes for her.
Rodney – Guess we’re ready then. On the count of three. One. Two.
Elizabeth – No! Get me out of here you big meanie. Mommy!!
Teyla – If you men will turn around, I’ll fit her into the new clothes.
***
John – I guess it worked. She’s so cute. Ouch!
Aiden – What did I miss? Oh my, is that Dr. Weir?
John – Ow, yes it is. In fact Elizabeth just stomped on my foot.
Elizabeth – Uncle Johnny is not allowed to call me cute.
John – I promise I never will again. Would you like some breakfast?
Elizabeth – Maybe, what we eat?
John – We have Athosian rice. Come with me.
Elizabeth – Your hand so much bigger than mine.
John – Don’t worry, you’ll grow.
Charles Bates – Okay then, I guess I’ll be watching over you two.
Elizabeth – You?
Charles – Uncle Charlie as my nephew would call me.
Elizabeth – Come with us Char.
Rodney – This is going to be good.
***
Radek – I have to know Rodney, do you have any idea how to take care of babies, because I’m not sure I want to put my little life in your hands.
Rodney – Oh posh, I’ll do fine.
Carson – Right, because we all known you bloody love children.
Rodney – Babies are different. And if it’ll make you feel any better Radek, I’ve taken care of babies before. Hell, I’ve taken care of older children too, that’s why I know I don’t like them.
Carson – When were you taking care of children?
Rodney – Shh, don’t tell anybody else, but I used to teach second grade.
John – You were a teacher!
Rodney – Egad, where did you come from?
John – Just chasing our own terrible two around the base. And there she is, better stop her from knocking the food to the floor.
Rodney – Do you think anybody heard him shout that?
Aiden – Nah, only me and everyone in the mess heard him.
Rodney – I’m doomed.
Carson – Don’t be so melodramatic. What I don’t get is where we’re supposed to get diapers for when Radek here is shrinked.
Rodney – We’ll figure something out.
Aiden – For now, why don’t we take pictures of John. Lizzy looks about to bite him.
Rodney – Aww, reminds me of my cat. Gosh I miss my little Dr. Sugarpuss.
Radek – Carson, are you okay?
Carson – Choking, help. ______ Thanks. I can’t believe you named your cat that. What in heavens were you thinking?
***
Charles – Is she allowed to be typing in that laptop?
John – I made sure she couldn’t access anything important. And it’s not like she’s actually make sense with what she’s writing.
Peter – Are you sure, because from here it looks like she’s typing Johnny’s a dick, but it could just be me.
John – She’s WHAT?
Peter – Hah, made you look.
John – What are you five?
Peter – Not yet.
Charles – I’m so glad I’m not taking part in your weird games.
Aiden – Still, it could be arranged.
John – Ford, help me out here.
Aiden – Sir?
John – Elizabeth is covered in dust and grime from rolling all over the floor. I’m supposed to give her a bath. You think it’d be wrong if I just dunked her in the ocean.
Aiden – Yes, sir, I’m afraid that would be wrong sir.
John – Darn. Okay, when I get back, we’ll need to plan on some clean games to play.
***
Elizabeth – Turnee around.
John – Why?
Elizabeth – Men no see me naked. It’s the rules.
John – I’ll be sure to remember you said that. But I’m still supposed to clean you up.
Elizabeth – Fine. But you have to keep your eyes closed.
John – Don’t you think that’ll make it difficult for me to wash you?
Elizabeth – No.
John – Fine. Hey, Teyla, yeah. Okay. See you soon.
Elizabeth – What?
John – Teyla’s a girl, she’ll clean you.
***
Aiden – Yo, Rodster, we need to come up with a nice clean game to play with Liz.
Rodney – How about a nice clean game called Nap Time.
John – Wonderful idea. I could definitely use one.
Rodney – Not you. Elizabeth.
John – So Liz, lets walk over here.
Elizabeth – NO!
John – What if I pick you up instead?
Elizabeth – Okay. What we doing?
John – Ack you’re heavy.
Elizabeth – Am not.
John – We’re going to lie down on this couch and watch… TELE-TUBBIES?! Who the heck brought that with them?
Rodney – Ugh, not another one of O’Neill’s jokes.
Elizabeth – Sleepy time first.
John – You’re right. We can watch gay cuddly muppet wannabes later.
***
Teyla – They are so sweet looking together. She leaning against him, and him softly drooling onto the pillow.
Aiden – Picture perfect moment.
Rodney – Leave them be. She’s finally not running around.
Charles – Yeah, maybe next time she should take a nap before evening.
Carson – He’s right, naptime has turned into bedtime.
Radek – Here’s a blanket. Nighty night Major.
(That's all she wrote.)