Fic: Forgiveness
Mar. 17th, 2006 08:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
libra_travellerTitle: Forgiveness
Author: libra_traveller
Pairing: Teyla/Bates
Summary: After the events of the episode in season one, Suspicion.
I walk through the empty halls of Atlantis, not without purpose, but slowly nonetheless. I hurt Teyla by not showing trust in her. Even though Dr. McKay was able to solve the paradox of the Wraith stalking using something he found amongst Teyla's belongings, guilt still pains me. It seems everyone believes I had no faith in her, but I had to look at the facts objectively. Not trust her?! I love her. Not that I've ever told her. We've spoken, actually had long discussions over the safety of her people, telling me cultural details. Now she'll believe that I used that information against her. Now, she'll only get to visit her friends (her family), which I know she misses. Teyla Emmagan... beautiful warrior who cares greatly for her people and swears to do everything she can to protect them. She is all this, but so much more. She hates the forest, tired of hiding in it. Now on Atlantis, though at first overwhelmed by the ocean, she's come to adore the beauty and peace of both the sight and sounds of the waves.
After the first time Major Sheppard chauffeured Teyla over the oceans in the puddle-jumper, I found her standing on a balcony. She turned to me, her eyes alight in wonder. As soon as she began describing the ocean her entire face brightened, looking so happy and carefree. I wanted to kiss her, I didn't, but I got caught up in her enthusiasm. I had flown over the ocean on Earth many times due to my career. Her laughter and amazement helped me to remember the first time I looked out the window and saw endless deep-blue water. Currently I only wish I could describe the whales I saw splashing out of the water, let her have a moment to forget the Wraith. I wish she could be happy, even if I wasn't the one to give her that happiness. And because of me, now even her people, who stood the most chance of bringing her joy, are too far away.
Looking up I realize that not only had I made my way in front of her quarters, but I must have been standing there for some time as Teyla stood in her door looking concerned. At first I thought she was sad, that our friendship truly was over and I began to turn away, but she stepped forward lightly touching my arm. Looking back into her face, which is so close, I see that her concern is for my well-being.
"Charles?" I can barely breathe, and its not because my pulse is racing, though there is that. She said my first name, I thought I'd never hear her say that again. "Sergeant Bates?" She said this with a little bit of disappointment, which broke my heart. Leaning forward I brought my lips to hers. When she didn't pull back, I sighed. Stepping back, I make eye contact, not having noticed I'd closed my eyes.
"Teyla, I'm so, so sorry, I never should have invaded your privacy, what can I do to--"
"Charles, please stop. I know that you did what you had to, I just wish it hadn't come to this."
"Did I go about it the wrong way? I know you kept the other Athosians from rioting, I know they all hate me, but even if just one of them were trying to give up our position, everyone would have been hurt and--"
"Shh.." She kisses me soundly, breaking off my words as well as my thoughts. "Come in and sit, explain yourself in comfort?" she so nicely asks. In a daze I follow her into her room, getting the first chance I think any of the Atlanteans have had to see her living-style. When my men and I had searched her room, it was done so clinically that it barely left any impression upon my memory.
"Sit I said." She gestures to her bed and my eyes only widen further. "To talk," she gently adds, "for now". I slowly sit beside her, feeling my body relax into the comfort I once had around her. Then her lasts words forces me to quirk an eyebrow at her in both question and hope. She only grins.
"Teyla--"
"That would be the second time you've said my name tonight. I am glad. It felt awful to hear you refer to me as Miss Emmagan when speaking to your men. I missed our...camaraderie. I do not believe you noticed how much I simply was missing you."
"But I forced your people away from you, I--"
"Charles, they made their own choice. Everything you did was in the best of your power to accomplish. It was not only the security of your own people you were concerned with but mine as well. They did not understand this, and for that I am sorry."
"I want to believe you, really I do, but the Major--"
"John often acts like a child, he lets his emotions over-rule 'common sense', he often forgets to look within, not just himself but those he works with, protects. Dr. Weir put you in charge of security because she knows that you would not let any attachments interfere with your duty. Had I been in your place I would have done the same."
"Yes, you would have. That is what I thought before I began the investigation, but as time went on I started doubting myself. Not doubting you, but doubting that I understood how you would feel. I...I thought my bumbling into this mess would take away any respect you had for me."
"Nothing you can do would make me respect you less. I too hope I understood how you feel, and then when I saw you in front of my door, I knew I was right, that this whole mess was hurting you inside. Now, what is this 'bumbling' is it related to bumble bees?"
"God I love you." I laugh, she is so sweet when she asks for an explanation of one of our colloquialisms. Looking into her beautiful face, I see it full of awe, realizing that I had said that first part out loud.
"I love you too..."
***
I love you. Wow, those words really changed my life. And I did not plan on saying them to her. They just came out. I always said it in my head, along with all the reasons why I love her. I never realized how freeing it would be to admit them to her. She felt the same way. That is an amazing feeling. I think, no I am positive, I love her more even now. How is That possible? I feel like I am a part of my own team now. Since we came to Atlantis, I was made responsible for the entire population of Atlantis. I was prepared for that, when I thought I would be deferring to Colonel Sumner. Then he died, and an Air Force Major I never knew took over everything. It was never that I had no trust in him, I followed hat he told me to do, I just was wary of him.
Well him, and the new enemy, a creature beyond my imagination. They remind me of nightmares I had as a child, come to life. That chills me to the deepest core of my being. They kill and they steal the life out of you. I know they do not have the power to take away someone's soul, but that does not change how quick and effortless they separate life from body and mind. I know a great deal about death, but I never imagined someone could die that way, and it scares me so badly I swear there is a scar over my very spirit from meeting these monsters. I can only call them monsters, because they think of us as food, cattle. They are used to being at the top of the food chain, and I do not like being their idea of a snack.
I have to make sure everything on this base is secure for everyone. I make sure to have the necessary reports from everyone on this planet, including the Athosian children, they seem to see the most that us adults cannot. Everyone reacts differently when I approach them for their opinion on the security of the base. They think I am too blunt. I understand. They are scared too. My military team listened to me though. The Athosians trusted me.
At least they did until I just about accused them of harboring a spy. I never said that. I just had so little information, and the Wraith were tracking the teams to every planet. Except that made no sense. I checked the records, and it was only Major Sheppards' team. How could that be? Teyla never would betray us, she made the choice to ally herself with us. Somehow, someone must have given her something for the Wraith to track. Why? It did not matter. My concern was to make sure everyone was safe, and I had to make sure the perpetrator could not escape with the vital information for this base. I also had to make sure the tracker was destroyed. Just imagine the Wraith slowly following that signal from one solar system to the next. Systematically writing off each possible location for the self-named Atlanteans. Sometimes our diplomatic skills makes me want to call the entire human race, morons, idiots, so, so stupid. This had not been a trust issue, it was simple, someone, somewhere, probably made a mistake. It had to be mine. Either way, I would not let it compromise the security of this base. Not even if it risked hurting and disappointing the woman I secretly loved.
It worked out amazingly enough. Dr. Rodney McKay found the tracker on Teyla and discovered how she came across it. He even was injured in the pursuit of destroying it. Unfortunately the Athosians no longer live in the city. On the other hand, Major John Sheppard and Teyla found a mainland, now the Athosians can continue on with their lives. I wish it was that easy. The Athosians refuse to trust me anymore. I have to rely on Teyla to make sure they are all safe and secure. I believe what she tells me, but I wish I could see it for myself, without causing fear and distrust in them. The military faction understands why I did what I did, but if I had even a smidgen of a chance of being friends with them, that chance is gone now.
I need Teyla more than I could ever have imagined. Without her, I think I would have killed myself. Not suicide. I mean, a person can only take so much distrust, poor jokes made to hurt, and a complete lack of respect for the worth of another. I believe I would have just pushed myself harder to make sure everyone was safe. I would have exhausted myself before the next crisis even happened. I may not have been worthless when all this went down, but without Teyla, I would have been incompetent for everything to come next.
Author: libra_traveller
Pairing: Teyla/Bates
Summary: After the events of the episode in season one, Suspicion.
I walk through the empty halls of Atlantis, not without purpose, but slowly nonetheless. I hurt Teyla by not showing trust in her. Even though Dr. McKay was able to solve the paradox of the Wraith stalking using something he found amongst Teyla's belongings, guilt still pains me. It seems everyone believes I had no faith in her, but I had to look at the facts objectively. Not trust her?! I love her. Not that I've ever told her. We've spoken, actually had long discussions over the safety of her people, telling me cultural details. Now she'll believe that I used that information against her. Now, she'll only get to visit her friends (her family), which I know she misses. Teyla Emmagan... beautiful warrior who cares greatly for her people and swears to do everything she can to protect them. She is all this, but so much more. She hates the forest, tired of hiding in it. Now on Atlantis, though at first overwhelmed by the ocean, she's come to adore the beauty and peace of both the sight and sounds of the waves.
After the first time Major Sheppard chauffeured Teyla over the oceans in the puddle-jumper, I found her standing on a balcony. She turned to me, her eyes alight in wonder. As soon as she began describing the ocean her entire face brightened, looking so happy and carefree. I wanted to kiss her, I didn't, but I got caught up in her enthusiasm. I had flown over the ocean on Earth many times due to my career. Her laughter and amazement helped me to remember the first time I looked out the window and saw endless deep-blue water. Currently I only wish I could describe the whales I saw splashing out of the water, let her have a moment to forget the Wraith. I wish she could be happy, even if I wasn't the one to give her that happiness. And because of me, now even her people, who stood the most chance of bringing her joy, are too far away.
Looking up I realize that not only had I made my way in front of her quarters, but I must have been standing there for some time as Teyla stood in her door looking concerned. At first I thought she was sad, that our friendship truly was over and I began to turn away, but she stepped forward lightly touching my arm. Looking back into her face, which is so close, I see that her concern is for my well-being.
"Charles?" I can barely breathe, and its not because my pulse is racing, though there is that. She said my first name, I thought I'd never hear her say that again. "Sergeant Bates?" She said this with a little bit of disappointment, which broke my heart. Leaning forward I brought my lips to hers. When she didn't pull back, I sighed. Stepping back, I make eye contact, not having noticed I'd closed my eyes.
"Teyla, I'm so, so sorry, I never should have invaded your privacy, what can I do to--"
"Charles, please stop. I know that you did what you had to, I just wish it hadn't come to this."
"Did I go about it the wrong way? I know you kept the other Athosians from rioting, I know they all hate me, but even if just one of them were trying to give up our position, everyone would have been hurt and--"
"Shh.." She kisses me soundly, breaking off my words as well as my thoughts. "Come in and sit, explain yourself in comfort?" she so nicely asks. In a daze I follow her into her room, getting the first chance I think any of the Atlanteans have had to see her living-style. When my men and I had searched her room, it was done so clinically that it barely left any impression upon my memory.
"Sit I said." She gestures to her bed and my eyes only widen further. "To talk," she gently adds, "for now". I slowly sit beside her, feeling my body relax into the comfort I once had around her. Then her lasts words forces me to quirk an eyebrow at her in both question and hope. She only grins.
"Teyla--"
"That would be the second time you've said my name tonight. I am glad. It felt awful to hear you refer to me as Miss Emmagan when speaking to your men. I missed our...camaraderie. I do not believe you noticed how much I simply was missing you."
"But I forced your people away from you, I--"
"Charles, they made their own choice. Everything you did was in the best of your power to accomplish. It was not only the security of your own people you were concerned with but mine as well. They did not understand this, and for that I am sorry."
"I want to believe you, really I do, but the Major--"
"John often acts like a child, he lets his emotions over-rule 'common sense', he often forgets to look within, not just himself but those he works with, protects. Dr. Weir put you in charge of security because she knows that you would not let any attachments interfere with your duty. Had I been in your place I would have done the same."
"Yes, you would have. That is what I thought before I began the investigation, but as time went on I started doubting myself. Not doubting you, but doubting that I understood how you would feel. I...I thought my bumbling into this mess would take away any respect you had for me."
"Nothing you can do would make me respect you less. I too hope I understood how you feel, and then when I saw you in front of my door, I knew I was right, that this whole mess was hurting you inside. Now, what is this 'bumbling' is it related to bumble bees?"
"God I love you." I laugh, she is so sweet when she asks for an explanation of one of our colloquialisms. Looking into her beautiful face, I see it full of awe, realizing that I had said that first part out loud.
"I love you too..."
***
I love you. Wow, those words really changed my life. And I did not plan on saying them to her. They just came out. I always said it in my head, along with all the reasons why I love her. I never realized how freeing it would be to admit them to her. She felt the same way. That is an amazing feeling. I think, no I am positive, I love her more even now. How is That possible? I feel like I am a part of my own team now. Since we came to Atlantis, I was made responsible for the entire population of Atlantis. I was prepared for that, when I thought I would be deferring to Colonel Sumner. Then he died, and an Air Force Major I never knew took over everything. It was never that I had no trust in him, I followed hat he told me to do, I just was wary of him.
Well him, and the new enemy, a creature beyond my imagination. They remind me of nightmares I had as a child, come to life. That chills me to the deepest core of my being. They kill and they steal the life out of you. I know they do not have the power to take away someone's soul, but that does not change how quick and effortless they separate life from body and mind. I know a great deal about death, but I never imagined someone could die that way, and it scares me so badly I swear there is a scar over my very spirit from meeting these monsters. I can only call them monsters, because they think of us as food, cattle. They are used to being at the top of the food chain, and I do not like being their idea of a snack.
I have to make sure everything on this base is secure for everyone. I make sure to have the necessary reports from everyone on this planet, including the Athosian children, they seem to see the most that us adults cannot. Everyone reacts differently when I approach them for their opinion on the security of the base. They think I am too blunt. I understand. They are scared too. My military team listened to me though. The Athosians trusted me.
At least they did until I just about accused them of harboring a spy. I never said that. I just had so little information, and the Wraith were tracking the teams to every planet. Except that made no sense. I checked the records, and it was only Major Sheppards' team. How could that be? Teyla never would betray us, she made the choice to ally herself with us. Somehow, someone must have given her something for the Wraith to track. Why? It did not matter. My concern was to make sure everyone was safe, and I had to make sure the perpetrator could not escape with the vital information for this base. I also had to make sure the tracker was destroyed. Just imagine the Wraith slowly following that signal from one solar system to the next. Systematically writing off each possible location for the self-named Atlanteans. Sometimes our diplomatic skills makes me want to call the entire human race, morons, idiots, so, so stupid. This had not been a trust issue, it was simple, someone, somewhere, probably made a mistake. It had to be mine. Either way, I would not let it compromise the security of this base. Not even if it risked hurting and disappointing the woman I secretly loved.
It worked out amazingly enough. Dr. Rodney McKay found the tracker on Teyla and discovered how she came across it. He even was injured in the pursuit of destroying it. Unfortunately the Athosians no longer live in the city. On the other hand, Major John Sheppard and Teyla found a mainland, now the Athosians can continue on with their lives. I wish it was that easy. The Athosians refuse to trust me anymore. I have to rely on Teyla to make sure they are all safe and secure. I believe what she tells me, but I wish I could see it for myself, without causing fear and distrust in them. The military faction understands why I did what I did, but if I had even a smidgen of a chance of being friends with them, that chance is gone now.
I need Teyla more than I could ever have imagined. Without her, I think I would have killed myself. Not suicide. I mean, a person can only take so much distrust, poor jokes made to hurt, and a complete lack of respect for the worth of another. I believe I would have just pushed myself harder to make sure everyone was safe. I would have exhausted myself before the next crisis even happened. I may not have been worthless when all this went down, but without Teyla, I would have been incompetent for everything to come next.