Fic: Boredom
Mar. 18th, 2006 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
libra_travellerTitle: Boredom
Author: libra_traveller
Rating: R
Summary: Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, and Ford get captured. After their escape they travel through space and have to defeat the wraith using the power of their voice and the love of each other and humanity.
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me. The songs that are sung also do not belong to me, but belong to their respective owners. The use of these songs was purely for entertainment and I make no money from this.
Boredom
Winnebago
Sheppard - This is starting to bug me. They throw us into a cell and don't even have the decency to properly torture us. No, torture by boredom. It's not like we could even go for suffering from hunger or thirst, they feed us good bread, sometimes meat, as well as clean water. They even bathe us once in awhile so no bad smell. Boredom, nothing to do. That is a punishment cruel and definitely unusual.
McKay - I can't believe you're upset that they aren't beating the shit out of us, bleeding us or whatever to get information from us.
Sheppard - Yes, well I was trained to handle torture, nobody trained me in what to do when nothing's happening.
Teyla - I find this in a useful time to reflect on one's aspirations and their fulfillment or lack.
Ford - Naps are nice. Actually I appreciate the chance to relax.
Sheppard - But I'm going out of my freakin mind here!
McKay - Well we wouldn't want that now would we. What if we play a word association game, would that relieve some of your pain?
Sheppard - I suppose. How exactly do we play?
McKay - I guess we go around and think of a word, the next person has to say that word and the word it reminds them of. Then so on, each person having to remember all the words that came before.
Ford - A memory game then. I guess we could try that for a bit. But then we play 'I Spy'.
McKay - There isn't exactly much to see around here. Anyways, my word is lollipop.
Sheppard - Lollipop, munchkins.
Ford - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy.
Teyla - Lolipip, muchkis, Dorty, football.
Sheppard - Football?
Teyla - These words remind me of things I do not understand.
Sheppard - I explained football to you-
Teyla - And yet the game is not practical.
McKay - Anyways. Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy, football, hockey.
Sheppard - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy,...football, *hockey*, sticks.
Ford - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy, football, hockey, sticks, trees.
Teyla - Lolipop, muchkins, Dorthy, football, hokey, sticks, trees, wood.
McKay - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy, football, HOCKEY, sticks, trees, wood, squirrels.
Sheppard - Lollipop, munchkins... McKay this IS boring. This isn't helping.
Ford - I Spy time. I spy with my little eye, something gray and wet.
McKay - The floor.
Ford - Nope. Gray, wet, and hard.
Sheppard - That pebble over there?
Ford - Yep.
Sheppard - I spy something tedious.
Teyla - This situation? Or the game?
Sheppard - Both. Any other bright ideas?
McKay - Yeah, I got one. Let's play who can stay quiet the longest.
Sheppard - R o d n e y.
McKay - You lose.
Sheppard - I have one. How long does it take to strangle the genius?
McKay - Hey, now wait one minute, ow! Ford?! Help!!! Ack, thank you Teyla, thank you. Dammit John, you bruised me.
Sheppard - That was fun. Ford, what's the next game on the agenda?
Ford - Erm. Simon's Says?
Sheppard - Hmm, we could do that.
Teyla - Who is this Simon?
McKay - No one *cough* knows. But someone plays Simon and tells people what to do. You're only supposed to do it if they say Simon says. If they don't and you do it anyways, you lose.
Teyla - May I go first? Thank you. Simon says raise your arms in the air. Simon says get up on your knees. Simon says touch the back of your heels with your hands.
Sheppard - Ha, stop, that tickles.
Teyla - Simon did not say you could speak. I'll let it go just this once. Simon says lie down on your stomach. Let go of your ankles. McKay you lose, I did not say Simon says.
McKay - Man. Keep playing and see if you can get the others to lose as well.
Teyla - Simon says crawl over towards McKay.
McKay - Oh, I really wish I had a camera right now.
Teyla - Simon says you may let go of your ankles and sit up. Tickle McKay.
McKay - Hey wait, hahaha, you didn't say, ha, you didn't say Simon says, ow, ha, oh, stop, please. You've both lost!
Ford - Don't care, this is fun.
Sheppard - This is my kind of game. You're like a Tickle Me Elmo, now you just need the red fur.
McKay - Please stop, haha, please, can't breathe, ha, *gasp*.
Teyla - Simon demands you stop torturing Rodney.
McKay - Thank you.
Ford - You okay there Dr.?
McKay - Just give me... a minute to get... my wind back.
Sheppard - Rodney? Did we hurt you?
McKay - No I'm okay. Just haven't laughed that much in awhile. What? Oh thanks, that feels nice. You know you don't have to hold me?
Sheppard - Want to. I think I can go to sleep now. Wake me when the guards come back.
Ford - Night sir.
***
Teyla - The guards have arrived. Ford wake those two up. They're cuddling, if the guards see that, we're gonners.
Aiden - But they look so cute together. See how John's wrapped his arms around Rodney's waist. And Rodney's leaning his head on John. They're snuggling.
Teyla - Wake them up.
Aiden - Shh. Hear that? Rodney's purring. He's like a big fluffy kitty-cat. He even stretches like one. And here I thought John was a dog person. Look, John just kissed Rodney on the cheek in his sleep.
John - Not asleep, Lt. You talk too much.
Teyla - Sir. Major. The guards are coming.
John - So. They releasing us yet?
Teyla - Perhaps you should stop fondling Doctor McKay...
John - Nope. Don't want to. He's warm and when ever I move he makes this really adorable murmering noise. He's my kitty-bear. Aren't you Rodney. My highly intelligent kitty who likes to get in trouble, but always knows how to sneak his way right back out. Cats are like that.
Rodney - Kitty? Snuffles? Is that you? Need to be fed? A litter-change? You want me to pet you?
John - Un huh.
Aiden - Ssssh Teyla. Look. John's lifting his head up like a cat, and Rodney's stroking his chin. Man, aren't they *C U T E*.
Teyla - I give up. Guards?!!!! Please kill us already. Or at least get those two a separate room???!!
***
Rodney - What?? What's going on. Are the guards coming? John get off me. Teyla, what is it?!
Aiden - Now look what you've done Teyla? John is definitely pouting now, I Hate it when John pouts.
Rodney - What? John, stop pouting already. Hey wait a minute. Did you call me your KITTY-BEAR??!!
Aiden - He also called you intelligent if that helps?
Rodney - Oh. Well, that's okay then. Teyla, why were you screaming??
Teyla - Because.
Rodney - You sounded like you were being tortured? What happened?
Aiden - Er, I may have-
Teyla - Ford would not desist in calling your two's unconscious shenanigans cute.
Rodney - Ford? I knew you were a sick puppy. I just didn't know we needed to get you to the Vet.
Aiden - I resent that. They'd just put me to sleep and YOU know it.
Teyla - Guards! Please!!! I'll tell you anything you want, just get me away from these men!!!!!
John - Teyla, pipe down.
Teyla - Yes, Major.
Rodney - If the current crisis is over, can I go back to sleep?
John - Sure, Rodney, lie back down. Your make-shift pillow and carry-mattress is here to serve.
Rodney - Oh. K. Erm. You know, you have bony shoulders. I keep telling you need more cushioning.
John - Hey!! Do I tell you that you're too short??
Rodney - What? I'm not short.
John - Exactly. And I don't have bony shoulders!
Aiden - I liked it better when they were asleep.
Rodney - We're not here to encourage your voyeuristic kinks.
Aiden - Dang. Yet I bet you two would be so hot in a porno-flick.
John - FORD!!!
Aiden - Sir. I'm just being honest with myself and you.
John - Lieutenant what are you implying?
Aiden - Not implying anything sir, just saying that you two make a hot couple, and I wouldn't mind seeing both of you naked.
Rodney - Pervert.
Teyla - I long ago discerned that Aiden Ford is a twisted man.
John - Yeah. You should have heard what he originally tried to call some of the things in the city.
Rodney - Like what?
Aiden - All I said was that the puddle-jumpers looked like winnebegos.
John - No you didn't. You called it a -
Aiden - Never mind what I called it.
Rodney - No I want to know. What did you try to name the puddle-jumper?
Teyla - I do not know what it means, but he said it reminded him of a disposable tampon, that once inserted into the gate, it's no longer visible.
Rodney - Ford! That's disgusting!!!! What the heck is wrong with you???
Aiden - I was having a bad day, and it wasn't any worse than what John said.
John - I don't even remember what I said.
Aiden - You said you couldn't wait to fly that ship, that it feels as good as-
John - Shut up!
Rodney - Oh my god. I knew you had a flying fetish. No wonder you won't let anyone but Ford sit in the copilot seat, and any time I was sitting next to you, you had this weird, controlled expression. I thought it was my poor flying, now I'm not so sure.
John - Dammit, Aiden look what you started.
Teyla - The crass minds of men.
Rodney - I thought you didn't know the meaning behind what Aiden said, Teyla?
Teyla - I didn't at the time, but I went to Elizabeth and she explained it to me.
Aiden - You told Dr. Weir what I said???
Teyla - I did not use your name directly. She seemed quite amused.
Aiden - Could you not report my words to her, please?
***
John - Okay now I'm bored again.
Rodney - You're bored? All you've been doing for hours is nuzzling my neck. I've got carpet-burn now, how do you think I feel.
John - Well excuse me for enjoying the odd smell your body is emitting.
Rodney - I don't stink!!
Aiden - Sorry Rodney but you do.
John - I didn't say you stank. I said I like your body odor, what's wrong with that?
Teyla - Perhaps Major, you should keep such thoughts to yourself.
John - Perhaps you should find a way to get us out of here. I can't seduce Rodney with you two in the room.
Aiden - Sure you can, just-
Rodney/John - Shut up Ford.
Rodney - What do you mean you want to seduce me?
John - NO, I'll curl myself around just any guy.
Rodney - Oh. My bad. You didn't say you Like liked me, so I thought you were just re-directing your need for human contact onto me.
John - No. If I was planning on re-directing anything, it would be to Aiden, he'd do me no questions asked.
Aiden - I beg your pardon.
John - Make love to me.
Aiden - What speed?
John - See what I mean?
Rodney - Um yeah, do you know Ford scares me?
Aiden - What? What have I done now, Doctor?
Rodney - You always look at me like you're thinking of undressing me and making me pose in some archaic position so you can paint me. It freaks me out.
***
Teyla - Huh?
John - You passed out? What happened?
Teyla - Oh. I think I may have banged my head against the wall too many times.
Hanging Dry
John – Well, I'm glad we finally got out of there.
Teyla – Yes, well if you had focused more on our escape and less on groping Dr. McKay, perhaps they would've let us fly through the gate.
Aiden – Sir, I admit that using Rodney as proof that we're a kind and gentle species was an odd choice of strategy.
Rodney – I can be kind and gentle.
Aiden – Sure you are, but-
Teyla – You have an air of mistrust emanating all around you.
John – Stop that. We've already discussed this. A. You don't stink! B. The vibe he sends out has saved your behind numerous times. And C. I like how he smells, and will cling to him in a dangerous situation if I please.
Aiden – Yes, sir.
Rodney – John? You actually feel that safe next to me?
John – Yeah, Rodney, I do.
Teyla – I give up. Fine, fine, but I refuse to be the one to tell all the women both on Atlantis and on the mainland; that the two most attractive men on the planet have gotten involved with each other.
Aiden – Hey, that's not fair. Only six hundred people live on the planet.
Teyla – Yes, and an overwhelming majority of them are women.
Aiden – I see your point.
Rodney – You consider me to be one of the two most attractive men on the planet?
Aiden – OH NOW you've done it. His ego is going to be so large it'll be hell living with him.
Teyla – No. It's a good idea. If he does that before any of them discover his sexual orientation most of the women will quickly change their opinions of him. That will balance any heart-break while mourning his loss.
John – He's not dead, god dammit. Just… taken.
Rodney – You mean that John? I'm yours?
John – All mine sweetheart.
Rodney – That's great, but don't call me that.
John – Anything for you sugar.
Rodney – How `bout nothing that begins with the letter `s', and has anything to do with food!
John – Okay, Dwighty.
Rodney – What did you say?
Aiden – McKay, you're middle name is Dwight? No wonder you've been
holding out on us.
Teyla – What is wrong with that name?
Aiden – Well, it is the name of-
Rodney – Could you tell her sometime when I'm NOT around?
Aiden – Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Teyla – It is alright Rodney, I do not need to know.
Rodney – Thank you. And now that John and I am an item, why don't you tell Ford here about your crush on him? OW!
Aiden – Teyla, you LIKE me?
Teyla – YES.
Rodney – That hurt.
Teyla – I am glad.
Rodney – John, protect me from that crazed Xena wanna-be.
John – No can do Dwighty, you walked into that one.
Rodney – Hmph, Teyla, I'm not sorry I broke my promise about keeping your feelings for Aiden a secret, because Aiden here likes you just as much as you like him.
Teyla – Aiden, you do?
Aiden – I hope so.
Rodney – Well then, don't anybody thank me. Please don't hurt me.
Teyla – Give me a reason not to.
Rodney – My nickname Dwighty from elementary school to high school, though not what Ford surmises, was never the less, very humiliating for me.
John – If it wasn't because the United States once had a President with that name, then what?
Rodney – DWD, the comic book.
John – What?
Rodney – When I was little I said I wanted to be just like Dark Wing Duck. I went around telling all my friends to call me Dwighty.
Aiden – OMG, you're serious?
Rodney – Yes. After I stopped that insanity, nobody would ever let me forget it. When going to another school, inevitably someone followed me and would spread the word. Random guys I'd never even met would make me Dark-Wing Duck shirts and jackets with `Dwighty' sewn on the back.
Teyla – I do not understand. It sounds like a friendly gesture to welcome you into the school.
Aiden – Teyla, why don't you listen to my iPod in the back of the Puddle-Jumper. I'll explain the fine details of the societal and cultural ramifications of schooling to you tomorrow.
Teyla – Very well.
John – Come on Rodney, breathe. You're turning purple. Guys, maybe you can go now?
Teyla – Yes, Major. I'm sorry if I have offended you Rodney.
Rodney – No problem. It wasn't you.
Aiden – Night sir.
***
John – You okay there Rodney?
Rodney – I will be.
John – That bad huh?
Rodney – Yeah, that bad.
John – Want something to drink?
Rodney – No, I'll be fine.
John – You sure? `Cause I can just think that compartment over there to open up. I put bottles of water there for you.
Rodney – How thoughtful and yet aggravating.
John – Just for you….?
Rodney – You're just saying that now.
John – True, but I had been thinking of you when I got the idea.
Rodney – Thanks, in that case I think I will have some water.
On Strike
Rodney – I'm bored.
John – Huh. That's nice.
Rodney – Okay. I lied. I'm not bored.
John – Go figure. Then what?
Rodney – I need something to distract me from those mushy love songs Aiden is blasting.
John – Okey-dokey. You have my full and undivided attention.
Rodney – What?!! Then who's going to fly the ship?!
John – I put it on auto-pilot.
Rodney – But what if an asteroid heads our way, one the PJ's sensors didn't pick up??
John – Then I guess it'd hit us, and the ship would explode.
Rodney – Give me those controls!
John – Ack, McKay! I was joking! Get a hold of yourself.
Rodney – No. Either you are insane or you lied to me.
John – Sorry, I meant you have all the attention I can spare while making sure we all get home safely.
Rodney – Good, good. You didn't happen to stash some Tequila in with the water did you?
John – Not exactly. There is some diluted moon-shine though.
Rodney – __________________________________________
John – Should you be drinking that much?
Rodney – _______!
John – Well on the Brightside, you made the Puddle-Jumper obey your commands pretty damn quickly.
Rodney – True, you (burp). Excuse me.
John – No problem.
Rodney – So Major. Since you're our designated driver, I'm going to have to get drunk enough for the both of us.
John – Right. `Cause that's the healthiest way to start a steady relationship.
Rodney – Nooooooo, it's the only way I'm going to keep from strangling you when you ram us into a nebula's gravitational force, causing a slow vaporization of us and the ship. As for us, we'll start off with heat stroke and then move on towards an excruciating peel of our skin. From there, the water in our eyes will evaporate in a spectacular spray that we'll only be able to feel because we'll be BLIND. Then one must consider our tongues getting stuck in our throat as our muscles will be expanding, effectively suffocating us from the inside out. Next, expect a light-headed psychedelic feeling as our bodies attempt to crawl towards the outer hull, forgetting that there's a reason that muscles surround our major organs. It'll leave behind only fragile bones, melting due to the extreme temperatures the dying stars are giving off. If we're lucky, we'll all slip into stress-induced comas before we ever feel a thing.
John – GIVE me that!
Rodney – _________ heh.
John – ________________
Rodney – John that's enough. Give me that you block-head. You driver, me asshole. Clear?!
John – I don't know how you sleep at night.
Rodney – With my very active imagination I pretend that all of you hapless souls are just lemmings that I control. If it ever gets too gruesome, I know I can just send a nuke to destroy everything, and start over again from the basics.
John – LEMMINGS, sigh. I miss Lemmings.
Rodney – How often did you play?
John – Almost everyday for the previous six months. Not much else to do in McMurdo besides freeze you heinie off.
Rodney – Ah. Antarctica was alright. At least there everyone would admit that it's freezing. In Siberia on the other glove, everyone would delude themselves. They'd labor away imagining themselves on a safari or riding camels across the Sahara desert. They had the audacity to get irked when I kindly pointed out the correct
temperature of the place.
John – Oh Rodney, you didn't.
Rodney – Yep. They almost had my hide. Luckily my quick-wit jumped into gear. I began lecturing them as to the nature of just how much heat the inner core of the Earth gives off.
John – Continue. I can see that smirk on your face.
Rodney – All the workers scattered and began shoveling and taking their pick-axes to the ice with new vigor. They were searching for that elusive warmth. The Russians gave me a commendation and increased my pay.
John – You smug little bastard.
Rodney – Thank you. Thank you very much.
Amy Grant Anyone?
John – I have found the perfect mystery, love has a hold on me.
Rodney – Amy Grant.
John – Okay. Your turn.
Rodney – I'll stick with that album. King is crying from his throne, he had a Queen but now he's gone, what is this magic that we seek, the mighty strong to mighty weeeeak!
John – Too easy. `The Power'.
Rodney – Fine then. Stick with the same album.
John – You're the kind, when you love you love with all your might, and you're the kind that I would dream about at night-
Rodney – And I'm the lucky one.
John – Baby, I'm the lucky one.
Rodney – And Iiiiiiii have never been the ooooone to fall in love,
so soon.
John – But I could never faaace another night or day, without you, you you-hoooo!
Teyla – SHUT-UP!!
John/Rodney – BABY I'M THE LUCKY ONE. BABY, WE'RE THE LUCKY ONES.
***
Aiden – Teyla, leave them alone. They're just drunk.
Teyla – I am highly aware that both of them are intoxicated, while we're in the middle of space. Excuse me if I have grown concerned.
Aiden – I'm sure we'll be fine. We can sit up there with them. You'll be able to make sure we don't crash.
Teyla – Oh Jesus!
Aiden – I thought you were agnostic.
Teyla – And yet I feel the need to adopt your Christian religion, as the only means by which I can be saved from the likes of you.
Aiden – Us?
Teyla – MEN.
Aiden – PMS alert. __?
Teyla – If you move just one muscle I can and will press this pressure point on the side of your neck. It will cause you great pain and eventually kill you.
Aiden – Sorry.
Teyla – I did not HEAR you.
Aiden – My humblest apologies oh great goddess of all that is good in my world.
Teyla – Very well. You may live.
Aiden – Thank you. I swear upon my living grandmother that I'll only worship the solid matter that you walk on.
***
John – In our times of trouble,
Rodney – We only had ourselves.
John – We had to save ourselves!
Rodney/John – And when the storms came through, they saw me and you, back to back tooo gether!
Rodney – And when the sun would shine-
John – it was yours and mine.
Rodney – Yours and mine,
John – yours and mind for-ever.
Aiden – And oh how the years go by.
Teyla – And oh how the love brings tears to my eyes.
Rodney/Teyla – All through the changes, the Soul never dies. We fight. We laugh. We cry.
John/Aiden – As the years go BY!
Rodney/John – There were times we stumbled. They thought they had us down.
Teyla/Aiden – But we cam around yeahuh. How we rolled and rambled. We got lost and we got found.
Rodney/Aiden/Teyla/John – And now we're back on solid ground! Yeah. WE TOOK EVERYTHING, ALL OUR TIMES WOULD BRING, IN THIS WORLD OF DANGER.
Rodney/John – `Cause your heart__ strong.
Aiden/Teyla – You know __ NOT ALONE. In this world of STRANGERS….
***
- My liege. I am picking up strange readings. It appears to be an Ancient ship but the sounds I'm gathering up are quite odd.
- Give me that you fool. Okay. I've put it on our intercom. Turn up the volume.
- My liege, I strongly recommend that-
- NOW!
AND OH HOW THE YEARS GO BY, OH HOW THE LOVE BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. ALL THROUGH THE CHANGES, THE SOUL NEVER DIES, WE FIGHT, WE LAUGH, WE CRIE! AS THE YEARS GO BY!!!
AND IF WE LOSE OUR WAY
- SHUT IT OFF!
- I'm trying, my liege, but the communication system is not responding.
ANY NIGHT or DAY
- Try the volume, turn it down, shut it down!
- NOOOO! The controls are short-circuiting. Too much Good will towards Man-Kind!
WELL, WE'LL ALWAYS BE
- We have FAILED.
- My liege, it has been an honor serving with you.
- Bye my son.
Where we should be, I'm there for you, and I know you're there for Meeeeee.
***
John – `Oh How the Years go By.'
Rodney – `And oh how the Love brings tears to my eyes.'
Aiden – `All through the changes…'
Teyla – `The SOUL never dies. We Fight.'
John – `We laugh.'
Aiden – `We Cry.'
Rodney – `As the years go by…'
John/Teyla – `Oh how the years go by.'
Aiden – Oh I love you man.
Rodney – Love you too you naïve young soldier.
John – You are the better fighter.
Teyla – But you have more courage and heart than I.
John – I look at you and see an older sister that I know will protect me.
Teyla – And you a younger brother I must often reign in.
Aiden – You ARE brilliant, and I mean more than just your intellect. Your emotions are so beautiful.
Rodney – Your unique perspective is always so refreshing.
John – Do you all feel that?
Rodney – The ship is morphing.
Aiden – How?
Teyla – Our Love. It is projecting a bright light around the ship.
Rodney – John! Direct it at those Wraith Hive Ships that have just uncloaked.
John – Yes, darling.
***
Teyla – ______?
Aiden – ___
John – _ _____ __?
Rodney – Guess they're all gone.
John – Well, 53 Wraith Command Ships destroyed, only 73, 821 million to go.
Rodney – You know? I kinda like our odds.
Hanging Around
Rodney – Owwww!
John – What? Would you shut up and stop complaining.
Rodney – I’m sorry that my head hurting is disturbing you.
John – No just your whining. Sheesh, you’re not the only one with a headache.
Teyla – If you all had not been drinking last night-
Aiden – You drank too, why don’t you have a hang-over?
Teyla – First, why is it called a hang-over this pain that comes from your mind clearing itself of the fuzziness we have imbibed ourselves with. Secondly, I just have a better tolerance.
Rodney – I know I want to hang myself right about now.
Aiden – It just means what is left over from drinking.
John – Hang-man, we should play that. Maybe concentrating on that will help you forget your head-ache.
Rodney – You are an evil man, but fine.
John – Anyone have any paper?
Aiden – Sorry sir.
John – No problem. I’ll go first. _ _ _ _ _
Rodney – Category?
John – Verb. Something I wish you would do.
Aiden – E
John – Nope, so that’s a head without a body.
Teyla – Why would someone hang a decapitated head?
Rodney – Lovely image thanks, I think that’s making me more nauseous.
Aiden – The more guesses you get wrong the more body parts would be drawn if we had paper.
Teyla – I see. S.
John – S _ _ s _
Rodney – H.
John – Damn. S h _ s h.
Rodney – How dare you tell me to shush you prick!
John – Ack. Stop hitting me.
Rodney – My turn. _ _ _ _ /_ _ / _ _ _ _
Teyla – Since it worked so well, S.
Rodney – S _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _
Aiden – F.
Rodney – You really suck at this don’t you?
John – I bet that’s your first word. Suck.
Rodney – Shit.
John – Or that.
Rodney – To be kind I’ll give you those letters. S u c k /_ _ / c _ c k
John – You’re obscene.
Rodney – I still want you to do it.
Teyla – Oh please not this again. Perhaps Aiden and I will just leave-
Aiden – As long as-
John/Rodney – No.
Aiden – I wasn’t-
Rodney – Just no, I don’t care what you were going to say, but NO.
Aiden – Then it’s my turn. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _, what would be happening if Teyla and I left.
John – Not sure I want to know what you’re implying, but A.
Aiden – _ _ _ _ a _ _ / _ _ _ _ a _ _
Teyla – L.
Aiden – That’s a head.
Rodney – R.
Aiden – _ r _ _ a _ _ / _ _ _ _ a _ _
John – T.
Aiden – _ r _ _ a t _ / _ _ _ t a _ _
Teyla – H.
Aiden – That’s a head and the torso.
Rodney – M.
Aiden – Head, torso and a leg.
John – E.
Aiden – _ r _ _ a t e / e _ _ t a _ _.
Teyla – P.
Aiden – P r _ _ a t e / e _ _ t a _ _.
John – If it’s anywhere near what I think it is, I’ll bust you down to that, Lieutenant.
Aiden – It’s nothing that bad sir, promise. Sir.
John – C.
Aiden – P r _ _ a t e / e c _ t a _ _
Rodney – Private ecstasy, you pervert.
Teyla – I tire of this game.
Rodney – Yeah me too. Hey John, let’s go in the back and see just what we can accomplish, alone.
Teyla – Aiden and I will enjoy the view out here I promise to keep his voyeurism in check.
John – Please. Okay. Goodnight.
Aiden – Night sir.
John – Night, Private.
Bored Again
John - I'm bored again.
Rodney - You've only been awake five hours, how could you possibly
be bored.
Aiden - We're never going to make it. Seven days til we reach
Atlantis, it's already been two days and we've sang all the songs we
could think of.
Teyla - Perhaps a new game will suffice.
John - Yeah. Let's play a game.
Aiden - If only we had cards, then we could play Strip Poker.
Rodney - For the last time, we are not getting naked in front of
you! Teyla, control your new boyfriend.
Teyla - Perhaps if he saw me out of my clothes, he would stop
thinking about you two?
Aiden - Un huh. That's a wonderful idea.
John - Ew gross, not in my Jumper.
Rodney - Ick is right. Lets play Telephone.
Teyla - What's a telephone?
Aiden - Communication device. For the game the first person that
goes makes up a statement and whispers it into someone's ear. It
would work better with more people as the point is to get the
sentence as different from the original as possible.
Rodney - I know a way to make it harder. Have us all start with a
sentence and tell someone all of them at the same time and then see
how mixed up it gets.
John - Ah the genius at work again. I'm in. Lets go.
Rodney - So Teyla, all three of us are going to tell you something
one at a time. Then you need to repeat each statement to the next
person.
*John has wild bed hair that subconciously gives its own orders.*
Aiden - *Rodney's really a evil scientist that does experiments on
all his assistants.*
John - *Aiden's a cute little puppy dog that always listens to its
master but when in charge itself becomes a vicious hound.*
Teyla to Rodney - *Aiden's puppies charge its masters for hounds.*
Teyla to Aiden - *John's wild hair orders in bed.*
Teyla to John - *Evil Rod assists in experimental science.*
Rodney - Okay, what she just said sounded funny enough, we really
needn't continue.
Aiden - Hey lets at least say outloud what was said.
John - I heard 'Elvis experiences science'.
Rodney - 'Aide puppies by charging with MasterCard'.
Aiden - 'John's wild in bed'.
John - Excuse me?
Aiden - Nothing sir.
***
Aiden - I know a song we have yet to sing.
Rodney - Oh no, what now.
John - Go on Aiden, ignore Rodney.
Aiden - Yes sir. 'Bananas in pajamas'
Rodney - Oh dear God.
Aiden - 'Are coming down the stairs.'
Teyla - I thought bananas were a fruit from Earth?
John - It is Teyla, it is.
Aiden - 'Bananas in pajamas are coming down in pairs.'
Rodney - Tell me Lord, what did I do to deserve this?
Aiden - 'BANANAS IN PAJAMAS ARE CHASING TEDDY-BEARS.'
Rodney - Please make it stop, please make it stop, oh lord make it
stop.
Aiden - 'Bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs.'
John - This is really getting to Rodney.
Aiden & John - Bananas in pajamas are coming down in pairs. Bananas
in pajamas are chasing teddy-bears.
Teyla - I am loathe to ask, but what is a teddy-bear.
Rodney - A question. I can answer a question. They're stuffed
animals-
Teyla - You stuff poor innocent creatures!
Rodney - Hunh.
Teyla - That was a joke. Actually I have seen Aiden's teddy-bear
blanket and understand what it is.
John - Aiden? You brought your blankie with you?
Aiden - Bananas in pajamas, I what? Oh no, Teyla you didn't just
tell him that. I'll be a laughingstock!
Stilled
Rodney – So close, what’s wrong now?
John – It’s not moving darn it.
Aiden – What? Well can we at least reach Atlantis with our radio?
Teyla – Yes, we must tell Dr. Weir about our new theory to destroy the Wraith.
Rodney – You really think she’ll believe that we sang them to death?
John – Such a malevolent race couldn’t take happy thoughts.
Aiden – Damn, if only we had pixie dust.
Rodney – Please tell me you’re not comparing the leader of the Wraith to Captain Hook?!
Aiden – Wouldn’t think of it McKay.
Teyla – Who is this Captain Hook you speak of?
John – It’s a character from a play and movie. He’s a pirate out to capture the elusive Peter Pan, a boy that never grows up but can fly if he thinks happy thoughts.
Teyla – I see, an acceptable comparison then.
Rodney – Puleeze. Okay, I guess we better try the radio it looks like we’re going to be stuck here for awhile.
John – Puddle Jumper One calling Atlantis, this is Major Sheppard, please respond.
Elizabeth – John? Where have you been? We sent a team back to the city and the inhabitants told us the most peculiar story. Something about them sending you off the planet because your team was giving off cooties.
John – That’s absurd, I haven’t been accused of having cooties since the second grade!
Elizabeth – They said you were giving off weird vibes directed at Dr. McKay… never mind that, how far are you away from the city.
Rodney – We’re only five days away, but our Jumper’s stalled.
Aiden – Excuse me. We wanted to inform Atlantis that we’ve discovered a weapon against the Wraith.
Elizabeth – That’s wonderful. What is it?
John – Song.
Rodney – Specifically LOVE songs.
Elizabeth – The radio must be breaking up, I thought I heard you say Love Songs?
Radek – I knew it.
John – Zelenka that you?
Radek – I’m here. It’s just that I’ve been thinking that the Wraith must have some sort of tolerance to good will and this just proves it.
Elizabeth – May I ask how you discovered this technique?
Teyla – Major Sheppard had stored a bottle of some alcoholic beverage and –
Rodney – No, it started because Aiden and you were listening to mushy love songs off Aiden’s iPod-
Teyla – You and the Major were the ones drunkenly singing –
Rodney – That doesn’t explain your participation, you were quite the inspiring singer.
Teyla – Thank you.
Rodney – That wasn’t supposed to be a compliment, I –
Elizabeth – May I ask what songs you four were singing that had such a strong effect when the Wraith –
John – The Wraith showed up while we were singing Amy Grant songs.
Radek – Brilliant. I wonder what other songs would have that kind of effect?
Aiden – Well I have plenty of songs we could try, but I think it was the over-all love we had for each other that came through from our singing.
Elizabeth – Well, I’m sending a team to meet you now, maybe you’ll be able to jump start the, Jumper.
John – That’ll be appreciated thanks. PJ-1 out. Well that went well. Do you think they believed us?
Rodney – Zelenka seems to have already thought of it.
Aiden – Well we have five days before they’ll reach us, what should we do?
Teyla – Let us practice our singing.
Aiden – I know a song we could try. They’re dashing and daring, courageous and caring.
Rodney – Oh God. Stop.
Aiden – Faithful and friendly with stories to share.
John – Good one. They march through the forest, they sing out in chorus, marching along as their song fills the air.
Rodney – Please, what did I do to deserve this maddening –
John/Aiden - GUMMY BEARS! Bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventure far beyond compare they are the Gummy Bears.
Teyla – I have heard of these creatures. Well, magic and mystery are part of their history. Along with the secret of gummy beary juice. Their legend is growing, they take pride in knowing, they’ll do what is right in whatever they do.
Rodney – Gummy bears, bouncing here [bangs head on console] and there and everywhere. High adventure [bangs head] far beyond compare. They are [bangs head] the gummy [bangs head] bears.
John/Aiden – GUMMY BEARS, THEY’RE BEYOND COMPARE!
Teyla – Amazing creatures.
Rodney – Enough, I can’t take it anymore, I have to say this. I care, I CARE, I CARE!
John – Woah, stop it, wrong type of bear, those are the Care Bears.
Rodney – I know, it’s just I thought you all should know, I CARE.
Aiden – Calm down, we get it. You think he hit his head too hard?
John – Probably.
Rodney – No wait. I wanna be a Care Bear. Oh it will be so great when I’m a Care Bear. Oh I can hardly wait to be a Care Bear and do the things Care Bears do. Oh I wanna be a Care Bear Like you. You do?
John – Nope I don’t think he hit his head hard enough. [smack]
Rodney – I’ll be like Funshine and make the sunshine. [smack] ugh. And have heart like Love-a-Lot. I’ll be like Wish Bear and always be there. We’ll be the luckiest bears in Care-a-Lot.
John – [Hits head on console] make it stop, make it stop.
Rodney – Paybacks a bitch. [cough] I wanna be a Care Bear and fill the world with love, to be a Care Bear is what I’m dreaming of. We’ll make a great pair, [hugs John], we’ll stick together through and through Like glue. I don’t wanna be a cook or a fireman and I don’t wanna play trombone in the marching band-
John – What’s wrong with the trombone, I played the trombone.
Rodney – Shush John. I just wanna be a Care Bear Like you. I just wanna be a Care Bear.
Aiden – Oh good, you’re done. God, you’re going to give me an early ulcer with singing like that.
Rodney – Would you rather me sing Britney Spears?
Aiden – [Eyes widen in fear] You wouldn’t, would you?
John – Is he still singing, because it’s still ringing in my ears?
Rodney – No, I’m done.
John – Then what am I hearing? Wait, is that, it is.
Teyla – What do you see?
John – It’s a wraith ship. And I’m picking up on voices. I think the Wraith are singing.
Rodney – Can you pick up on the tune?
John – This is not good.
Aiden – What is it?
Wraith buddies – I know that I can’t take no more, it ain’t no lie, I wanna see you out that door, Baby bye, bye, bye.
Vocal Competition
Elizabeth - They should be there any second.
John - Good.
Elizabeth - Carson came with them.
Rodney - Why?
Elizabeth - You're all hallucinating and I want him to check you out.
Aiden - What? We're not making this up!
Elizabeth - The Wraith singing N'Sync songs! You think that's real?
Teyla - It is rather disturbing.
Carson - Puddle Jumper three to Puddle Jumper one.
John - Don't you even think about sedating us.
Carson - It's not my call Major.
John - The hell it isn't.
Rodney - We won't let you aboard.
Carson - Just tell me what frequency you were hearing the Wraith singing on.
Aiden - Sending.
Carson - ______ I don't hear anything.
Teyla - We no longer hear them as well.
Aiden - Wait. Turn that up.
Wraith buddies - It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you and when we are apart I feel it too. And no matter what I do, I feel the pain with or without you.
Carson - Recording and sending to Atlantis.
Elizabeth - What the heck? Where did they get the lyrics to this song?
Aiden - Oh no.
Rodney - What now?
Aiden - My iPod's missing. And there was one Wraith ship that got away.
Rodney - You had N'Sync on your iPod?
Aiden - Maybe I did.
Wraith buddies - My life was complete. I thought I was whole. Why do I feel like I'm losing control? I never thought that love could feel like this, and you've changed my world with just one kiss.
Rodney - This is torture. Payback, this is revenge.
Aiden - It's going to get worse.
John - How can it get worse.
Aiden - Britney Spears.
Wraith buddies - Oops! I did it again, I played with your heart got lost in the game.
Elizabeth - No more, stop sending it to me.
Carson - Sorry love, just wanted to keep you informed.
Elizabeth - We must destroy that ship. There must be a song out there that is worse than anything Aiden my have accidentally given them.
Rodney - I bet he doesn't have Meredith Brooks.
Elizabeth - Perfect. Start singing Bitch.
Rodney - I hate the world today.
John - Skip that part. I'm a bitch.
Rodney - I'm a lover.
Aiden - I'm a child.
Teyla - I know not this song.
Rodney - I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.
John - I do not feel ashamed.
Aiden - I'm your hell.
Aiden/Teyla - I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between.
Rodney/John - You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
Carson - So take me as I am. This may mean you'll have to be a stornger man.
Elizabeth - Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous.
Radek - The Wraith cannot hear you.
Elizabeth - What's your point.
Radek - Nothing. I'm a bitch.
Elizabeth - Yes you are.
Wraith buddies - Put your hands on my waistline. Want your skin up againt mine, move your hips to the baseline. Let me get mine and you get yours.
Rodney - That was so wrong. No more Christina Aguilera for you Ford.
Wraith Head Honcho - It has taken some time but I have found the best song to represent us.
Wraith buddies - Here we are. Born to be Kings, we're the princes of the universe. Here we belong, fighting to survive, in a world with the darkest powers.
John - Our jumper's shorting out.
Wraith Head Honcho - I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings, I have no moral, no man can be my equal.
Carson - This isn't good. We need a song quick.
Teyla - I don't know if you can hear me or if you're even there. I don't know if you will listen to a humble prayer. They tell me I am just an outcast and I shouldn't speak to you. Still I see your face and wonder were you once an outcast too.
John - God help the outcasts. Hungry from birth. Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth. The lost and the forgotten they look to you still. God help the outcasts or nobody will.
Rodney - I ask for nothing, I can get by, but I know so many less lucky than I. God help the outcasts the poor and downtrod, I thought we all were the children of God.
Aiden - I don't know if there's a reason why some are blessed and some not. Why the few you seem to favor they fear us, flee us, try not to see us.
Carson - God help the out casts, the tattered, the torn, seeking an answer to why they were born. Winds of misfortune have blown them about.
Teyla - You made the outcasts don't cast them out.
John - The poor and unlucky.
Rodney - The weak and the odd.
Aiden - I thought they all were
Carson - The children of god.
Elizabeth - What's happening?
John - The Wraith ship, it's leaving.
Carson - Have we won then?
Rodney - It seems like it.
Elizabeth - Okay guys, fix the ship and get on home. Atlantis out.
Name that Tune
Aiden - Sir. I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality.
John - Savage Gardens. Affirmation.
Rodney - No fair, too easy. Instead sing the next line.
Teyla - Not again. Ow. This bulkhead is harder than the stone I hit my head against in the cell.
Aiden - So don't bang your head against it. Same song sir, since you appear to be familiar with it. I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair.
John - I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires.
Rodney - Wow. I swore you sang better when I was drunk.
John - You mean when I was drunk.
Rodney - I stick with what I said.
John - I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life.
Rodney - I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life.
Aiden - You two going to kiss or what?
John - Thanks for spoiling the mood
Rodney - Ignore him. Sometimes I feel like this is only chemistry, stuck in a maze searching for a way to shut down turn around feel the ground beneath me. You're so close where do you end, where do I begin.
John - _______
Teyla - Ewww, stop it, that's gross.
Rodney - ______
Aiden - Just turn away.
Carson - What's bloody going on over there?
Teyla - The Major and Dr. McKay are kissing and groping each other. It is not a pretty sight.
Carson - I know a song from Earth that may interest you. Aiden help me out here. It's a world of laughter, a world of tears.
Aiden - It's a world of hopes and a world of fears.
Carson - There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware.
Aiden - It's a small world after all.
John - Yum. There is just one moon and one golden sun. And a smile means friendship to everyone.
Rodney - That was, nice. Though the mountains divide and the oceans are wide. It's a small world after all.
Elizabeth - Are the wraith nearby? I hear singing.
Radek - Perhaps they have been drinking again.
Elizabeth - Again? Three hours and they're already drunk. Can't leave them alone can we?
Radek - Or maybe the air is leaking out of the ship and they have become light headed?
Elizabeth - That would be preferable.
Rodney - Maybe Teyla's just jealous?
John - And I have the perfect plan. Percussion.
Rodney - Dun, dun, dun.
John - Strings.
Rodney - Eeeeeeee.
John - Winds.
Rodney - Aaaaaaa.
John - Words.
Rodney - There you see her. Sssss Aiden look. Sitting there across the way.
John - She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her.
Carson - And you don't know why, but you're dying to try.
John - You wanna kiss the girl.
Teyla - What is this about?
Aiden - Disney song.
Teyla - And they sing it because?
Aiden - Maybe they want me to kiss you.
Rodney - This never happen with he little mermaid. She couldn't ask dumb questions.
John - Just go to the next verse.
Carson - I'll do it. Yes, you want her, look at her, you know you do It's possible she wants you too.
Teyla - Or course I have feelings for Aiden.
Rodney - Scrap the song this ain't goin work.
John - Ain't ain't a word.
Rodney - You mindless-
John - Loving-
Rodney - Monkey.
John - Monkey?
Rodney - Flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz, yep, that's you.
John - And you're the wicked witch?
Rodney - Ha ha.
John - Okay new song.
Rodney - What are you doing up on that chair?
John - I've got a whale of a tale to tell you lads. A whale of a tale or two, 'Bout the flappin fish and the girl's I've loved.
Rodney - Oh my god, are you going to do the butt wiggle too?
John - You spoil all my fun.
Rodney - Bring that butt over here. There better not be any girls, you're mine now.
Aiden - Awww, the Major's sitting in McKay's lap.
Teyla - Yet another image I need to drink away.
Carson - Lad take care of your gal and-
John/Rodney - Kiss the girl!
Teyla - What? Hmmmmmm, that's ymmmm better. There was one song I listened to on Aiden's machine before it was picked up by the Wraith. I'd like to dedicate this song to my new love.
'The whispers in the morning of loves sleeping tight
Are rolling like thunder now as I look in your eyes
I hold on to your body and feel each move you make
Your voice is warm and tender a love that I could not forsake.
'Cause I am your lady and you are my man
Whenever you reach for me I'll do all that I can
We're heading for something, somewhere I've never been
Sometimes I'm frighten but I'm ready to learn
of the power of love.'
Aiden - That was beautiful, love you baby.
Carson - Lovely. The guys are tearing up back here.
PJ pilot - Am not.
John - Rodney, are you crying darling?
Rodney - It's just I love Celine Dion songs.
John - That's cool babe.
***
Carson - We're closing in on Atlantis and shit, we've been followed by seven Wraith hiveships.
John - What?!
Elizabeth - Major, what do we do?
Rodney - We need the song to end all love songs.
Elizabeth - No you can't mean-
Rodney - Yes.
Radek - This is horrible idea, traumatize everyone.
John - It just might work, we have to try it.
Elizabeth - I'll get everyone to hold hands.
Kavanaugh - I refuse to be a part of this monstrosity.
Elizabeth - Then maybe you'd like to listen to the Wraith sing N'Sync songs?
Kavanaugh - Okay, okay.
Radek - I have us broadcasting now.
John - Everyone ready? Okay here we go.
Head Wraith - What is this? They think their singing will affect us, we have love dampening shields.
All of Atlantis plus the PJ crews - I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too!
Elizabeth - It's not working.
John - Just keep singing.
Everyone - I love you, you love me, we're best friends like friends should be. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too.
Rodney - It's not working, we're doomed.
Mangled Tongues
Recap – (I love you, you love me… we’re doomed.)
John – Snap out of it Rodney, there’s got to be a way.
Rodney – The song to end all love songs didn’t work, why didn’t it work?
John – Maybe people weren’t feeling it. A purple dino doesn’t do it for everyone, you know?
Aiden – Sir, perhaps there are other songs we could try.
Teyla – Maybe if we all sang different songs, the noise will pass through the shields they must have.
John – That may work. Elizabeth? Get people into groups and have them sing different songs, happy songs but not necessarily love songs, whatever they want.
Elizabeth – What will you be singing?
John – Monkees.
Elizabeth – Good luck everyone.
***
Wraith leader – Our shields have worked. Move in, we will take these humans, nothing can defeat us.
***
Radek (in a purple dress) – We are family…. I got all my sisters with me. We are family, everybody get up and sing.
***
Elizabeth (in a white dress) – Did I ever tell you you’re my hero. You’re everything, everything I wish I could be. Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings. ‘Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
***
John (who wishes he had a dress) – Hey, hey we’re the Monkees, and people say we monkey around. But we’re too busy singing, to put anybody down.
***
Aiden (who should wear a dress suit)/ Teyla (red dress) – Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?
***
Kavanaugh (who if I never see in a dress is too soon) – Pain is real, misery I feel, hate made me. I can’t break free.
***
Rodney (who snuck a dress on board the PJ) – Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings. The world, for once, in perfect harmony with all its living things.
***
Carson (in a kilt) – I’m with Aiden. Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends?
***
Wraith leader – What is wrong with our shields? Some of their singing is affecting us.
Wraith pilot – Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?
Wraith leader – Stop you’re flying our ship into the other ships. We’re going to crash!
***
Elizabeth – Thank you all. Once again, our singing has won the day!
***
Aiden – Sir. I’m bored.
Rodney – Here we go again.
The End
Author: libra_traveller
Rating: R
Summary: Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, and Ford get captured. After their escape they travel through space and have to defeat the wraith using the power of their voice and the love of each other and humanity.
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me. The songs that are sung also do not belong to me, but belong to their respective owners. The use of these songs was purely for entertainment and I make no money from this.
Boredom
Winnebago
Sheppard - This is starting to bug me. They throw us into a cell and don't even have the decency to properly torture us. No, torture by boredom. It's not like we could even go for suffering from hunger or thirst, they feed us good bread, sometimes meat, as well as clean water. They even bathe us once in awhile so no bad smell. Boredom, nothing to do. That is a punishment cruel and definitely unusual.
McKay - I can't believe you're upset that they aren't beating the shit out of us, bleeding us or whatever to get information from us.
Sheppard - Yes, well I was trained to handle torture, nobody trained me in what to do when nothing's happening.
Teyla - I find this in a useful time to reflect on one's aspirations and their fulfillment or lack.
Ford - Naps are nice. Actually I appreciate the chance to relax.
Sheppard - But I'm going out of my freakin mind here!
McKay - Well we wouldn't want that now would we. What if we play a word association game, would that relieve some of your pain?
Sheppard - I suppose. How exactly do we play?
McKay - I guess we go around and think of a word, the next person has to say that word and the word it reminds them of. Then so on, each person having to remember all the words that came before.
Ford - A memory game then. I guess we could try that for a bit. But then we play 'I Spy'.
McKay - There isn't exactly much to see around here. Anyways, my word is lollipop.
Sheppard - Lollipop, munchkins.
Ford - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy.
Teyla - Lolipip, muchkis, Dorty, football.
Sheppard - Football?
Teyla - These words remind me of things I do not understand.
Sheppard - I explained football to you-
Teyla - And yet the game is not practical.
McKay - Anyways. Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy, football, hockey.
Sheppard - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy,...football, *hockey*, sticks.
Ford - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy, football, hockey, sticks, trees.
Teyla - Lolipop, muchkins, Dorthy, football, hokey, sticks, trees, wood.
McKay - Lollipop, munchkins, Dorthy, football, HOCKEY, sticks, trees, wood, squirrels.
Sheppard - Lollipop, munchkins... McKay this IS boring. This isn't helping.
Ford - I Spy time. I spy with my little eye, something gray and wet.
McKay - The floor.
Ford - Nope. Gray, wet, and hard.
Sheppard - That pebble over there?
Ford - Yep.
Sheppard - I spy something tedious.
Teyla - This situation? Or the game?
Sheppard - Both. Any other bright ideas?
McKay - Yeah, I got one. Let's play who can stay quiet the longest.
Sheppard - R o d n e y.
McKay - You lose.
Sheppard - I have one. How long does it take to strangle the genius?
McKay - Hey, now wait one minute, ow! Ford?! Help!!! Ack, thank you Teyla, thank you. Dammit John, you bruised me.
Sheppard - That was fun. Ford, what's the next game on the agenda?
Ford - Erm. Simon's Says?
Sheppard - Hmm, we could do that.
Teyla - Who is this Simon?
McKay - No one *cough* knows. But someone plays Simon and tells people what to do. You're only supposed to do it if they say Simon says. If they don't and you do it anyways, you lose.
Teyla - May I go first? Thank you. Simon says raise your arms in the air. Simon says get up on your knees. Simon says touch the back of your heels with your hands.
Sheppard - Ha, stop, that tickles.
Teyla - Simon did not say you could speak. I'll let it go just this once. Simon says lie down on your stomach. Let go of your ankles. McKay you lose, I did not say Simon says.
McKay - Man. Keep playing and see if you can get the others to lose as well.
Teyla - Simon says crawl over towards McKay.
McKay - Oh, I really wish I had a camera right now.
Teyla - Simon says you may let go of your ankles and sit up. Tickle McKay.
McKay - Hey wait, hahaha, you didn't say, ha, you didn't say Simon says, ow, ha, oh, stop, please. You've both lost!
Ford - Don't care, this is fun.
Sheppard - This is my kind of game. You're like a Tickle Me Elmo, now you just need the red fur.
McKay - Please stop, haha, please, can't breathe, ha, *gasp*.
Teyla - Simon demands you stop torturing Rodney.
McKay - Thank you.
Ford - You okay there Dr.?
McKay - Just give me... a minute to get... my wind back.
Sheppard - Rodney? Did we hurt you?
McKay - No I'm okay. Just haven't laughed that much in awhile. What? Oh thanks, that feels nice. You know you don't have to hold me?
Sheppard - Want to. I think I can go to sleep now. Wake me when the guards come back.
Ford - Night sir.
***
Teyla - The guards have arrived. Ford wake those two up. They're cuddling, if the guards see that, we're gonners.
Aiden - But they look so cute together. See how John's wrapped his arms around Rodney's waist. And Rodney's leaning his head on John. They're snuggling.
Teyla - Wake them up.
Aiden - Shh. Hear that? Rodney's purring. He's like a big fluffy kitty-cat. He even stretches like one. And here I thought John was a dog person. Look, John just kissed Rodney on the cheek in his sleep.
John - Not asleep, Lt. You talk too much.
Teyla - Sir. Major. The guards are coming.
John - So. They releasing us yet?
Teyla - Perhaps you should stop fondling Doctor McKay...
John - Nope. Don't want to. He's warm and when ever I move he makes this really adorable murmering noise. He's my kitty-bear. Aren't you Rodney. My highly intelligent kitty who likes to get in trouble, but always knows how to sneak his way right back out. Cats are like that.
Rodney - Kitty? Snuffles? Is that you? Need to be fed? A litter-change? You want me to pet you?
John - Un huh.
Aiden - Ssssh Teyla. Look. John's lifting his head up like a cat, and Rodney's stroking his chin. Man, aren't they *C U T E*.
Teyla - I give up. Guards?!!!! Please kill us already. Or at least get those two a separate room???!!
***
Rodney - What?? What's going on. Are the guards coming? John get off me. Teyla, what is it?!
Aiden - Now look what you've done Teyla? John is definitely pouting now, I Hate it when John pouts.
Rodney - What? John, stop pouting already. Hey wait a minute. Did you call me your KITTY-BEAR??!!
Aiden - He also called you intelligent if that helps?
Rodney - Oh. Well, that's okay then. Teyla, why were you screaming??
Teyla - Because.
Rodney - You sounded like you were being tortured? What happened?
Aiden - Er, I may have-
Teyla - Ford would not desist in calling your two's unconscious shenanigans cute.
Rodney - Ford? I knew you were a sick puppy. I just didn't know we needed to get you to the Vet.
Aiden - I resent that. They'd just put me to sleep and YOU know it.
Teyla - Guards! Please!!! I'll tell you anything you want, just get me away from these men!!!!!
John - Teyla, pipe down.
Teyla - Yes, Major.
Rodney - If the current crisis is over, can I go back to sleep?
John - Sure, Rodney, lie back down. Your make-shift pillow and carry-mattress is here to serve.
Rodney - Oh. K. Erm. You know, you have bony shoulders. I keep telling you need more cushioning.
John - Hey!! Do I tell you that you're too short??
Rodney - What? I'm not short.
John - Exactly. And I don't have bony shoulders!
Aiden - I liked it better when they were asleep.
Rodney - We're not here to encourage your voyeuristic kinks.
Aiden - Dang. Yet I bet you two would be so hot in a porno-flick.
John - FORD!!!
Aiden - Sir. I'm just being honest with myself and you.
John - Lieutenant what are you implying?
Aiden - Not implying anything sir, just saying that you two make a hot couple, and I wouldn't mind seeing both of you naked.
Rodney - Pervert.
Teyla - I long ago discerned that Aiden Ford is a twisted man.
John - Yeah. You should have heard what he originally tried to call some of the things in the city.
Rodney - Like what?
Aiden - All I said was that the puddle-jumpers looked like winnebegos.
John - No you didn't. You called it a -
Aiden - Never mind what I called it.
Rodney - No I want to know. What did you try to name the puddle-jumper?
Teyla - I do not know what it means, but he said it reminded him of a disposable tampon, that once inserted into the gate, it's no longer visible.
Rodney - Ford! That's disgusting!!!! What the heck is wrong with you???
Aiden - I was having a bad day, and it wasn't any worse than what John said.
John - I don't even remember what I said.
Aiden - You said you couldn't wait to fly that ship, that it feels as good as-
John - Shut up!
Rodney - Oh my god. I knew you had a flying fetish. No wonder you won't let anyone but Ford sit in the copilot seat, and any time I was sitting next to you, you had this weird, controlled expression. I thought it was my poor flying, now I'm not so sure.
John - Dammit, Aiden look what you started.
Teyla - The crass minds of men.
Rodney - I thought you didn't know the meaning behind what Aiden said, Teyla?
Teyla - I didn't at the time, but I went to Elizabeth and she explained it to me.
Aiden - You told Dr. Weir what I said???
Teyla - I did not use your name directly. She seemed quite amused.
Aiden - Could you not report my words to her, please?
***
John - Okay now I'm bored again.
Rodney - You're bored? All you've been doing for hours is nuzzling my neck. I've got carpet-burn now, how do you think I feel.
John - Well excuse me for enjoying the odd smell your body is emitting.
Rodney - I don't stink!!
Aiden - Sorry Rodney but you do.
John - I didn't say you stank. I said I like your body odor, what's wrong with that?
Teyla - Perhaps Major, you should keep such thoughts to yourself.
John - Perhaps you should find a way to get us out of here. I can't seduce Rodney with you two in the room.
Aiden - Sure you can, just-
Rodney/John - Shut up Ford.
Rodney - What do you mean you want to seduce me?
John - NO, I'll curl myself around just any guy.
Rodney - Oh. My bad. You didn't say you Like liked me, so I thought you were just re-directing your need for human contact onto me.
John - No. If I was planning on re-directing anything, it would be to Aiden, he'd do me no questions asked.
Aiden - I beg your pardon.
John - Make love to me.
Aiden - What speed?
John - See what I mean?
Rodney - Um yeah, do you know Ford scares me?
Aiden - What? What have I done now, Doctor?
Rodney - You always look at me like you're thinking of undressing me and making me pose in some archaic position so you can paint me. It freaks me out.
***
Teyla - Huh?
John - You passed out? What happened?
Teyla - Oh. I think I may have banged my head against the wall too many times.
Hanging Dry
John – Well, I'm glad we finally got out of there.
Teyla – Yes, well if you had focused more on our escape and less on groping Dr. McKay, perhaps they would've let us fly through the gate.
Aiden – Sir, I admit that using Rodney as proof that we're a kind and gentle species was an odd choice of strategy.
Rodney – I can be kind and gentle.
Aiden – Sure you are, but-
Teyla – You have an air of mistrust emanating all around you.
John – Stop that. We've already discussed this. A. You don't stink! B. The vibe he sends out has saved your behind numerous times. And C. I like how he smells, and will cling to him in a dangerous situation if I please.
Aiden – Yes, sir.
Rodney – John? You actually feel that safe next to me?
John – Yeah, Rodney, I do.
Teyla – I give up. Fine, fine, but I refuse to be the one to tell all the women both on Atlantis and on the mainland; that the two most attractive men on the planet have gotten involved with each other.
Aiden – Hey, that's not fair. Only six hundred people live on the planet.
Teyla – Yes, and an overwhelming majority of them are women.
Aiden – I see your point.
Rodney – You consider me to be one of the two most attractive men on the planet?
Aiden – OH NOW you've done it. His ego is going to be so large it'll be hell living with him.
Teyla – No. It's a good idea. If he does that before any of them discover his sexual orientation most of the women will quickly change their opinions of him. That will balance any heart-break while mourning his loss.
John – He's not dead, god dammit. Just… taken.
Rodney – You mean that John? I'm yours?
John – All mine sweetheart.
Rodney – That's great, but don't call me that.
John – Anything for you sugar.
Rodney – How `bout nothing that begins with the letter `s', and has anything to do with food!
John – Okay, Dwighty.
Rodney – What did you say?
Aiden – McKay, you're middle name is Dwight? No wonder you've been
holding out on us.
Teyla – What is wrong with that name?
Aiden – Well, it is the name of-
Rodney – Could you tell her sometime when I'm NOT around?
Aiden – Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Teyla – It is alright Rodney, I do not need to know.
Rodney – Thank you. And now that John and I am an item, why don't you tell Ford here about your crush on him? OW!
Aiden – Teyla, you LIKE me?
Teyla – YES.
Rodney – That hurt.
Teyla – I am glad.
Rodney – John, protect me from that crazed Xena wanna-be.
John – No can do Dwighty, you walked into that one.
Rodney – Hmph, Teyla, I'm not sorry I broke my promise about keeping your feelings for Aiden a secret, because Aiden here likes you just as much as you like him.
Teyla – Aiden, you do?
Aiden – I hope so.
Rodney – Well then, don't anybody thank me. Please don't hurt me.
Teyla – Give me a reason not to.
Rodney – My nickname Dwighty from elementary school to high school, though not what Ford surmises, was never the less, very humiliating for me.
John – If it wasn't because the United States once had a President with that name, then what?
Rodney – DWD, the comic book.
John – What?
Rodney – When I was little I said I wanted to be just like Dark Wing Duck. I went around telling all my friends to call me Dwighty.
Aiden – OMG, you're serious?
Rodney – Yes. After I stopped that insanity, nobody would ever let me forget it. When going to another school, inevitably someone followed me and would spread the word. Random guys I'd never even met would make me Dark-Wing Duck shirts and jackets with `Dwighty' sewn on the back.
Teyla – I do not understand. It sounds like a friendly gesture to welcome you into the school.
Aiden – Teyla, why don't you listen to my iPod in the back of the Puddle-Jumper. I'll explain the fine details of the societal and cultural ramifications of schooling to you tomorrow.
Teyla – Very well.
John – Come on Rodney, breathe. You're turning purple. Guys, maybe you can go now?
Teyla – Yes, Major. I'm sorry if I have offended you Rodney.
Rodney – No problem. It wasn't you.
Aiden – Night sir.
***
John – You okay there Rodney?
Rodney – I will be.
John – That bad huh?
Rodney – Yeah, that bad.
John – Want something to drink?
Rodney – No, I'll be fine.
John – You sure? `Cause I can just think that compartment over there to open up. I put bottles of water there for you.
Rodney – How thoughtful and yet aggravating.
John – Just for you….?
Rodney – You're just saying that now.
John – True, but I had been thinking of you when I got the idea.
Rodney – Thanks, in that case I think I will have some water.
On Strike
Rodney – I'm bored.
John – Huh. That's nice.
Rodney – Okay. I lied. I'm not bored.
John – Go figure. Then what?
Rodney – I need something to distract me from those mushy love songs Aiden is blasting.
John – Okey-dokey. You have my full and undivided attention.
Rodney – What?!! Then who's going to fly the ship?!
John – I put it on auto-pilot.
Rodney – But what if an asteroid heads our way, one the PJ's sensors didn't pick up??
John – Then I guess it'd hit us, and the ship would explode.
Rodney – Give me those controls!
John – Ack, McKay! I was joking! Get a hold of yourself.
Rodney – No. Either you are insane or you lied to me.
John – Sorry, I meant you have all the attention I can spare while making sure we all get home safely.
Rodney – Good, good. You didn't happen to stash some Tequila in with the water did you?
John – Not exactly. There is some diluted moon-shine though.
Rodney – __________________________________________
John – Should you be drinking that much?
Rodney – _______!
John – Well on the Brightside, you made the Puddle-Jumper obey your commands pretty damn quickly.
Rodney – True, you (burp). Excuse me.
John – No problem.
Rodney – So Major. Since you're our designated driver, I'm going to have to get drunk enough for the both of us.
John – Right. `Cause that's the healthiest way to start a steady relationship.
Rodney – Nooooooo, it's the only way I'm going to keep from strangling you when you ram us into a nebula's gravitational force, causing a slow vaporization of us and the ship. As for us, we'll start off with heat stroke and then move on towards an excruciating peel of our skin. From there, the water in our eyes will evaporate in a spectacular spray that we'll only be able to feel because we'll be BLIND. Then one must consider our tongues getting stuck in our throat as our muscles will be expanding, effectively suffocating us from the inside out. Next, expect a light-headed psychedelic feeling as our bodies attempt to crawl towards the outer hull, forgetting that there's a reason that muscles surround our major organs. It'll leave behind only fragile bones, melting due to the extreme temperatures the dying stars are giving off. If we're lucky, we'll all slip into stress-induced comas before we ever feel a thing.
John – GIVE me that!
Rodney – _________ heh.
John – ________________
Rodney – John that's enough. Give me that you block-head. You driver, me asshole. Clear?!
John – I don't know how you sleep at night.
Rodney – With my very active imagination I pretend that all of you hapless souls are just lemmings that I control. If it ever gets too gruesome, I know I can just send a nuke to destroy everything, and start over again from the basics.
John – LEMMINGS, sigh. I miss Lemmings.
Rodney – How often did you play?
John – Almost everyday for the previous six months. Not much else to do in McMurdo besides freeze you heinie off.
Rodney – Ah. Antarctica was alright. At least there everyone would admit that it's freezing. In Siberia on the other glove, everyone would delude themselves. They'd labor away imagining themselves on a safari or riding camels across the Sahara desert. They had the audacity to get irked when I kindly pointed out the correct
temperature of the place.
John – Oh Rodney, you didn't.
Rodney – Yep. They almost had my hide. Luckily my quick-wit jumped into gear. I began lecturing them as to the nature of just how much heat the inner core of the Earth gives off.
John – Continue. I can see that smirk on your face.
Rodney – All the workers scattered and began shoveling and taking their pick-axes to the ice with new vigor. They were searching for that elusive warmth. The Russians gave me a commendation and increased my pay.
John – You smug little bastard.
Rodney – Thank you. Thank you very much.
Amy Grant Anyone?
John – I have found the perfect mystery, love has a hold on me.
Rodney – Amy Grant.
John – Okay. Your turn.
Rodney – I'll stick with that album. King is crying from his throne, he had a Queen but now he's gone, what is this magic that we seek, the mighty strong to mighty weeeeak!
John – Too easy. `The Power'.
Rodney – Fine then. Stick with the same album.
John – You're the kind, when you love you love with all your might, and you're the kind that I would dream about at night-
Rodney – And I'm the lucky one.
John – Baby, I'm the lucky one.
Rodney – And Iiiiiiii have never been the ooooone to fall in love,
so soon.
John – But I could never faaace another night or day, without you, you you-hoooo!
Teyla – SHUT-UP!!
John/Rodney – BABY I'M THE LUCKY ONE. BABY, WE'RE THE LUCKY ONES.
***
Aiden – Teyla, leave them alone. They're just drunk.
Teyla – I am highly aware that both of them are intoxicated, while we're in the middle of space. Excuse me if I have grown concerned.
Aiden – I'm sure we'll be fine. We can sit up there with them. You'll be able to make sure we don't crash.
Teyla – Oh Jesus!
Aiden – I thought you were agnostic.
Teyla – And yet I feel the need to adopt your Christian religion, as the only means by which I can be saved from the likes of you.
Aiden – Us?
Teyla – MEN.
Aiden – PMS alert. __?
Teyla – If you move just one muscle I can and will press this pressure point on the side of your neck. It will cause you great pain and eventually kill you.
Aiden – Sorry.
Teyla – I did not HEAR you.
Aiden – My humblest apologies oh great goddess of all that is good in my world.
Teyla – Very well. You may live.
Aiden – Thank you. I swear upon my living grandmother that I'll only worship the solid matter that you walk on.
***
John – In our times of trouble,
Rodney – We only had ourselves.
John – We had to save ourselves!
Rodney/John – And when the storms came through, they saw me and you, back to back tooo gether!
Rodney – And when the sun would shine-
John – it was yours and mine.
Rodney – Yours and mine,
John – yours and mind for-ever.
Aiden – And oh how the years go by.
Teyla – And oh how the love brings tears to my eyes.
Rodney/Teyla – All through the changes, the Soul never dies. We fight. We laugh. We cry.
John/Aiden – As the years go BY!
Rodney/John – There were times we stumbled. They thought they had us down.
Teyla/Aiden – But we cam around yeahuh. How we rolled and rambled. We got lost and we got found.
Rodney/Aiden/Teyla/John – And now we're back on solid ground! Yeah. WE TOOK EVERYTHING, ALL OUR TIMES WOULD BRING, IN THIS WORLD OF DANGER.
Rodney/John – `Cause your heart__ strong.
Aiden/Teyla – You know __ NOT ALONE. In this world of STRANGERS….
***
- My liege. I am picking up strange readings. It appears to be an Ancient ship but the sounds I'm gathering up are quite odd.
- Give me that you fool. Okay. I've put it on our intercom. Turn up the volume.
- My liege, I strongly recommend that-
- NOW!
AND OH HOW THE YEARS GO BY, OH HOW THE LOVE BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. ALL THROUGH THE CHANGES, THE SOUL NEVER DIES, WE FIGHT, WE LAUGH, WE CRIE! AS THE YEARS GO BY!!!
AND IF WE LOSE OUR WAY
- SHUT IT OFF!
- I'm trying, my liege, but the communication system is not responding.
ANY NIGHT or DAY
- Try the volume, turn it down, shut it down!
- NOOOO! The controls are short-circuiting. Too much Good will towards Man-Kind!
WELL, WE'LL ALWAYS BE
- We have FAILED.
- My liege, it has been an honor serving with you.
- Bye my son.
Where we should be, I'm there for you, and I know you're there for Meeeeee.
***
John – `Oh How the Years go By.'
Rodney – `And oh how the Love brings tears to my eyes.'
Aiden – `All through the changes…'
Teyla – `The SOUL never dies. We Fight.'
John – `We laugh.'
Aiden – `We Cry.'
Rodney – `As the years go by…'
John/Teyla – `Oh how the years go by.'
Aiden – Oh I love you man.
Rodney – Love you too you naïve young soldier.
John – You are the better fighter.
Teyla – But you have more courage and heart than I.
John – I look at you and see an older sister that I know will protect me.
Teyla – And you a younger brother I must often reign in.
Aiden – You ARE brilliant, and I mean more than just your intellect. Your emotions are so beautiful.
Rodney – Your unique perspective is always so refreshing.
John – Do you all feel that?
Rodney – The ship is morphing.
Aiden – How?
Teyla – Our Love. It is projecting a bright light around the ship.
Rodney – John! Direct it at those Wraith Hive Ships that have just uncloaked.
John – Yes, darling.
***
Teyla – ______?
Aiden – ___
John – _ _____ __?
Rodney – Guess they're all gone.
John – Well, 53 Wraith Command Ships destroyed, only 73, 821 million to go.
Rodney – You know? I kinda like our odds.
Hanging Around
Rodney – Owwww!
John – What? Would you shut up and stop complaining.
Rodney – I’m sorry that my head hurting is disturbing you.
John – No just your whining. Sheesh, you’re not the only one with a headache.
Teyla – If you all had not been drinking last night-
Aiden – You drank too, why don’t you have a hang-over?
Teyla – First, why is it called a hang-over this pain that comes from your mind clearing itself of the fuzziness we have imbibed ourselves with. Secondly, I just have a better tolerance.
Rodney – I know I want to hang myself right about now.
Aiden – It just means what is left over from drinking.
John – Hang-man, we should play that. Maybe concentrating on that will help you forget your head-ache.
Rodney – You are an evil man, but fine.
John – Anyone have any paper?
Aiden – Sorry sir.
John – No problem. I’ll go first. _ _ _ _ _
Rodney – Category?
John – Verb. Something I wish you would do.
Aiden – E
John – Nope, so that’s a head without a body.
Teyla – Why would someone hang a decapitated head?
Rodney – Lovely image thanks, I think that’s making me more nauseous.
Aiden – The more guesses you get wrong the more body parts would be drawn if we had paper.
Teyla – I see. S.
John – S _ _ s _
Rodney – H.
John – Damn. S h _ s h.
Rodney – How dare you tell me to shush you prick!
John – Ack. Stop hitting me.
Rodney – My turn. _ _ _ _ /_ _ / _ _ _ _
Teyla – Since it worked so well, S.
Rodney – S _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _
Aiden – F.
Rodney – You really suck at this don’t you?
John – I bet that’s your first word. Suck.
Rodney – Shit.
John – Or that.
Rodney – To be kind I’ll give you those letters. S u c k /_ _ / c _ c k
John – You’re obscene.
Rodney – I still want you to do it.
Teyla – Oh please not this again. Perhaps Aiden and I will just leave-
Aiden – As long as-
John/Rodney – No.
Aiden – I wasn’t-
Rodney – Just no, I don’t care what you were going to say, but NO.
Aiden – Then it’s my turn. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _, what would be happening if Teyla and I left.
John – Not sure I want to know what you’re implying, but A.
Aiden – _ _ _ _ a _ _ / _ _ _ _ a _ _
Teyla – L.
Aiden – That’s a head.
Rodney – R.
Aiden – _ r _ _ a _ _ / _ _ _ _ a _ _
John – T.
Aiden – _ r _ _ a t _ / _ _ _ t a _ _
Teyla – H.
Aiden – That’s a head and the torso.
Rodney – M.
Aiden – Head, torso and a leg.
John – E.
Aiden – _ r _ _ a t e / e _ _ t a _ _.
Teyla – P.
Aiden – P r _ _ a t e / e _ _ t a _ _.
John – If it’s anywhere near what I think it is, I’ll bust you down to that, Lieutenant.
Aiden – It’s nothing that bad sir, promise. Sir.
John – C.
Aiden – P r _ _ a t e / e c _ t a _ _
Rodney – Private ecstasy, you pervert.
Teyla – I tire of this game.
Rodney – Yeah me too. Hey John, let’s go in the back and see just what we can accomplish, alone.
Teyla – Aiden and I will enjoy the view out here I promise to keep his voyeurism in check.
John – Please. Okay. Goodnight.
Aiden – Night sir.
John – Night, Private.
Bored Again
John - I'm bored again.
Rodney - You've only been awake five hours, how could you possibly
be bored.
Aiden - We're never going to make it. Seven days til we reach
Atlantis, it's already been two days and we've sang all the songs we
could think of.
Teyla - Perhaps a new game will suffice.
John - Yeah. Let's play a game.
Aiden - If only we had cards, then we could play Strip Poker.
Rodney - For the last time, we are not getting naked in front of
you! Teyla, control your new boyfriend.
Teyla - Perhaps if he saw me out of my clothes, he would stop
thinking about you two?
Aiden - Un huh. That's a wonderful idea.
John - Ew gross, not in my Jumper.
Rodney - Ick is right. Lets play Telephone.
Teyla - What's a telephone?
Aiden - Communication device. For the game the first person that
goes makes up a statement and whispers it into someone's ear. It
would work better with more people as the point is to get the
sentence as different from the original as possible.
Rodney - I know a way to make it harder. Have us all start with a
sentence and tell someone all of them at the same time and then see
how mixed up it gets.
John - Ah the genius at work again. I'm in. Lets go.
Rodney - So Teyla, all three of us are going to tell you something
one at a time. Then you need to repeat each statement to the next
person.
*John has wild bed hair that subconciously gives its own orders.*
Aiden - *Rodney's really a evil scientist that does experiments on
all his assistants.*
John - *Aiden's a cute little puppy dog that always listens to its
master but when in charge itself becomes a vicious hound.*
Teyla to Rodney - *Aiden's puppies charge its masters for hounds.*
Teyla to Aiden - *John's wild hair orders in bed.*
Teyla to John - *Evil Rod assists in experimental science.*
Rodney - Okay, what she just said sounded funny enough, we really
needn't continue.
Aiden - Hey lets at least say outloud what was said.
John - I heard 'Elvis experiences science'.
Rodney - 'Aide puppies by charging with MasterCard'.
Aiden - 'John's wild in bed'.
John - Excuse me?
Aiden - Nothing sir.
***
Aiden - I know a song we have yet to sing.
Rodney - Oh no, what now.
John - Go on Aiden, ignore Rodney.
Aiden - Yes sir. 'Bananas in pajamas'
Rodney - Oh dear God.
Aiden - 'Are coming down the stairs.'
Teyla - I thought bananas were a fruit from Earth?
John - It is Teyla, it is.
Aiden - 'Bananas in pajamas are coming down in pairs.'
Rodney - Tell me Lord, what did I do to deserve this?
Aiden - 'BANANAS IN PAJAMAS ARE CHASING TEDDY-BEARS.'
Rodney - Please make it stop, please make it stop, oh lord make it
stop.
Aiden - 'Bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs.'
John - This is really getting to Rodney.
Aiden & John - Bananas in pajamas are coming down in pairs. Bananas
in pajamas are chasing teddy-bears.
Teyla - I am loathe to ask, but what is a teddy-bear.
Rodney - A question. I can answer a question. They're stuffed
animals-
Teyla - You stuff poor innocent creatures!
Rodney - Hunh.
Teyla - That was a joke. Actually I have seen Aiden's teddy-bear
blanket and understand what it is.
John - Aiden? You brought your blankie with you?
Aiden - Bananas in pajamas, I what? Oh no, Teyla you didn't just
tell him that. I'll be a laughingstock!
Stilled
Rodney – So close, what’s wrong now?
John – It’s not moving darn it.
Aiden – What? Well can we at least reach Atlantis with our radio?
Teyla – Yes, we must tell Dr. Weir about our new theory to destroy the Wraith.
Rodney – You really think she’ll believe that we sang them to death?
John – Such a malevolent race couldn’t take happy thoughts.
Aiden – Damn, if only we had pixie dust.
Rodney – Please tell me you’re not comparing the leader of the Wraith to Captain Hook?!
Aiden – Wouldn’t think of it McKay.
Teyla – Who is this Captain Hook you speak of?
John – It’s a character from a play and movie. He’s a pirate out to capture the elusive Peter Pan, a boy that never grows up but can fly if he thinks happy thoughts.
Teyla – I see, an acceptable comparison then.
Rodney – Puleeze. Okay, I guess we better try the radio it looks like we’re going to be stuck here for awhile.
John – Puddle Jumper One calling Atlantis, this is Major Sheppard, please respond.
Elizabeth – John? Where have you been? We sent a team back to the city and the inhabitants told us the most peculiar story. Something about them sending you off the planet because your team was giving off cooties.
John – That’s absurd, I haven’t been accused of having cooties since the second grade!
Elizabeth – They said you were giving off weird vibes directed at Dr. McKay… never mind that, how far are you away from the city.
Rodney – We’re only five days away, but our Jumper’s stalled.
Aiden – Excuse me. We wanted to inform Atlantis that we’ve discovered a weapon against the Wraith.
Elizabeth – That’s wonderful. What is it?
John – Song.
Rodney – Specifically LOVE songs.
Elizabeth – The radio must be breaking up, I thought I heard you say Love Songs?
Radek – I knew it.
John – Zelenka that you?
Radek – I’m here. It’s just that I’ve been thinking that the Wraith must have some sort of tolerance to good will and this just proves it.
Elizabeth – May I ask how you discovered this technique?
Teyla – Major Sheppard had stored a bottle of some alcoholic beverage and –
Rodney – No, it started because Aiden and you were listening to mushy love songs off Aiden’s iPod-
Teyla – You and the Major were the ones drunkenly singing –
Rodney – That doesn’t explain your participation, you were quite the inspiring singer.
Teyla – Thank you.
Rodney – That wasn’t supposed to be a compliment, I –
Elizabeth – May I ask what songs you four were singing that had such a strong effect when the Wraith –
John – The Wraith showed up while we were singing Amy Grant songs.
Radek – Brilliant. I wonder what other songs would have that kind of effect?
Aiden – Well I have plenty of songs we could try, but I think it was the over-all love we had for each other that came through from our singing.
Elizabeth – Well, I’m sending a team to meet you now, maybe you’ll be able to jump start the, Jumper.
John – That’ll be appreciated thanks. PJ-1 out. Well that went well. Do you think they believed us?
Rodney – Zelenka seems to have already thought of it.
Aiden – Well we have five days before they’ll reach us, what should we do?
Teyla – Let us practice our singing.
Aiden – I know a song we could try. They’re dashing and daring, courageous and caring.
Rodney – Oh God. Stop.
Aiden – Faithful and friendly with stories to share.
John – Good one. They march through the forest, they sing out in chorus, marching along as their song fills the air.
Rodney – Please, what did I do to deserve this maddening –
John/Aiden - GUMMY BEARS! Bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventure far beyond compare they are the Gummy Bears.
Teyla – I have heard of these creatures. Well, magic and mystery are part of their history. Along with the secret of gummy beary juice. Their legend is growing, they take pride in knowing, they’ll do what is right in whatever they do.
Rodney – Gummy bears, bouncing here [bangs head on console] and there and everywhere. High adventure [bangs head] far beyond compare. They are [bangs head] the gummy [bangs head] bears.
John/Aiden – GUMMY BEARS, THEY’RE BEYOND COMPARE!
Teyla – Amazing creatures.
Rodney – Enough, I can’t take it anymore, I have to say this. I care, I CARE, I CARE!
John – Woah, stop it, wrong type of bear, those are the Care Bears.
Rodney – I know, it’s just I thought you all should know, I CARE.
Aiden – Calm down, we get it. You think he hit his head too hard?
John – Probably.
Rodney – No wait. I wanna be a Care Bear. Oh it will be so great when I’m a Care Bear. Oh I can hardly wait to be a Care Bear and do the things Care Bears do. Oh I wanna be a Care Bear Like you. You do?
John – Nope I don’t think he hit his head hard enough. [smack]
Rodney – I’ll be like Funshine and make the sunshine. [smack] ugh. And have heart like Love-a-Lot. I’ll be like Wish Bear and always be there. We’ll be the luckiest bears in Care-a-Lot.
John – [Hits head on console] make it stop, make it stop.
Rodney – Paybacks a bitch. [cough] I wanna be a Care Bear and fill the world with love, to be a Care Bear is what I’m dreaming of. We’ll make a great pair, [hugs John], we’ll stick together through and through Like glue. I don’t wanna be a cook or a fireman and I don’t wanna play trombone in the marching band-
John – What’s wrong with the trombone, I played the trombone.
Rodney – Shush John. I just wanna be a Care Bear Like you. I just wanna be a Care Bear.
Aiden – Oh good, you’re done. God, you’re going to give me an early ulcer with singing like that.
Rodney – Would you rather me sing Britney Spears?
Aiden – [Eyes widen in fear] You wouldn’t, would you?
John – Is he still singing, because it’s still ringing in my ears?
Rodney – No, I’m done.
John – Then what am I hearing? Wait, is that, it is.
Teyla – What do you see?
John – It’s a wraith ship. And I’m picking up on voices. I think the Wraith are singing.
Rodney – Can you pick up on the tune?
John – This is not good.
Aiden – What is it?
Wraith buddies – I know that I can’t take no more, it ain’t no lie, I wanna see you out that door, Baby bye, bye, bye.
Vocal Competition
Elizabeth - They should be there any second.
John - Good.
Elizabeth - Carson came with them.
Rodney - Why?
Elizabeth - You're all hallucinating and I want him to check you out.
Aiden - What? We're not making this up!
Elizabeth - The Wraith singing N'Sync songs! You think that's real?
Teyla - It is rather disturbing.
Carson - Puddle Jumper three to Puddle Jumper one.
John - Don't you even think about sedating us.
Carson - It's not my call Major.
John - The hell it isn't.
Rodney - We won't let you aboard.
Carson - Just tell me what frequency you were hearing the Wraith singing on.
Aiden - Sending.
Carson - ______ I don't hear anything.
Teyla - We no longer hear them as well.
Aiden - Wait. Turn that up.
Wraith buddies - It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you and when we are apart I feel it too. And no matter what I do, I feel the pain with or without you.
Carson - Recording and sending to Atlantis.
Elizabeth - What the heck? Where did they get the lyrics to this song?
Aiden - Oh no.
Rodney - What now?
Aiden - My iPod's missing. And there was one Wraith ship that got away.
Rodney - You had N'Sync on your iPod?
Aiden - Maybe I did.
Wraith buddies - My life was complete. I thought I was whole. Why do I feel like I'm losing control? I never thought that love could feel like this, and you've changed my world with just one kiss.
Rodney - This is torture. Payback, this is revenge.
Aiden - It's going to get worse.
John - How can it get worse.
Aiden - Britney Spears.
Wraith buddies - Oops! I did it again, I played with your heart got lost in the game.
Elizabeth - No more, stop sending it to me.
Carson - Sorry love, just wanted to keep you informed.
Elizabeth - We must destroy that ship. There must be a song out there that is worse than anything Aiden my have accidentally given them.
Rodney - I bet he doesn't have Meredith Brooks.
Elizabeth - Perfect. Start singing Bitch.
Rodney - I hate the world today.
John - Skip that part. I'm a bitch.
Rodney - I'm a lover.
Aiden - I'm a child.
Teyla - I know not this song.
Rodney - I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.
John - I do not feel ashamed.
Aiden - I'm your hell.
Aiden/Teyla - I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between.
Rodney/John - You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
Carson - So take me as I am. This may mean you'll have to be a stornger man.
Elizabeth - Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous.
Radek - The Wraith cannot hear you.
Elizabeth - What's your point.
Radek - Nothing. I'm a bitch.
Elizabeth - Yes you are.
Wraith buddies - Put your hands on my waistline. Want your skin up againt mine, move your hips to the baseline. Let me get mine and you get yours.
Rodney - That was so wrong. No more Christina Aguilera for you Ford.
Wraith Head Honcho - It has taken some time but I have found the best song to represent us.
Wraith buddies - Here we are. Born to be Kings, we're the princes of the universe. Here we belong, fighting to survive, in a world with the darkest powers.
John - Our jumper's shorting out.
Wraith Head Honcho - I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings, I have no moral, no man can be my equal.
Carson - This isn't good. We need a song quick.
Teyla - I don't know if you can hear me or if you're even there. I don't know if you will listen to a humble prayer. They tell me I am just an outcast and I shouldn't speak to you. Still I see your face and wonder were you once an outcast too.
John - God help the outcasts. Hungry from birth. Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth. The lost and the forgotten they look to you still. God help the outcasts or nobody will.
Rodney - I ask for nothing, I can get by, but I know so many less lucky than I. God help the outcasts the poor and downtrod, I thought we all were the children of God.
Aiden - I don't know if there's a reason why some are blessed and some not. Why the few you seem to favor they fear us, flee us, try not to see us.
Carson - God help the out casts, the tattered, the torn, seeking an answer to why they were born. Winds of misfortune have blown them about.
Teyla - You made the outcasts don't cast them out.
John - The poor and unlucky.
Rodney - The weak and the odd.
Aiden - I thought they all were
Carson - The children of god.
Elizabeth - What's happening?
John - The Wraith ship, it's leaving.
Carson - Have we won then?
Rodney - It seems like it.
Elizabeth - Okay guys, fix the ship and get on home. Atlantis out.
Name that Tune
Aiden - Sir. I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality.
John - Savage Gardens. Affirmation.
Rodney - No fair, too easy. Instead sing the next line.
Teyla - Not again. Ow. This bulkhead is harder than the stone I hit my head against in the cell.
Aiden - So don't bang your head against it. Same song sir, since you appear to be familiar with it. I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair.
John - I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires.
Rodney - Wow. I swore you sang better when I was drunk.
John - You mean when I was drunk.
Rodney - I stick with what I said.
John - I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life.
Rodney - I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life.
Aiden - You two going to kiss or what?
John - Thanks for spoiling the mood
Rodney - Ignore him. Sometimes I feel like this is only chemistry, stuck in a maze searching for a way to shut down turn around feel the ground beneath me. You're so close where do you end, where do I begin.
John - _______
Teyla - Ewww, stop it, that's gross.
Rodney - ______
Aiden - Just turn away.
Carson - What's bloody going on over there?
Teyla - The Major and Dr. McKay are kissing and groping each other. It is not a pretty sight.
Carson - I know a song from Earth that may interest you. Aiden help me out here. It's a world of laughter, a world of tears.
Aiden - It's a world of hopes and a world of fears.
Carson - There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware.
Aiden - It's a small world after all.
John - Yum. There is just one moon and one golden sun. And a smile means friendship to everyone.
Rodney - That was, nice. Though the mountains divide and the oceans are wide. It's a small world after all.
Elizabeth - Are the wraith nearby? I hear singing.
Radek - Perhaps they have been drinking again.
Elizabeth - Again? Three hours and they're already drunk. Can't leave them alone can we?
Radek - Or maybe the air is leaking out of the ship and they have become light headed?
Elizabeth - That would be preferable.
Rodney - Maybe Teyla's just jealous?
John - And I have the perfect plan. Percussion.
Rodney - Dun, dun, dun.
John - Strings.
Rodney - Eeeeeeee.
John - Winds.
Rodney - Aaaaaaa.
John - Words.
Rodney - There you see her. Sssss Aiden look. Sitting there across the way.
John - She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her.
Carson - And you don't know why, but you're dying to try.
John - You wanna kiss the girl.
Teyla - What is this about?
Aiden - Disney song.
Teyla - And they sing it because?
Aiden - Maybe they want me to kiss you.
Rodney - This never happen with he little mermaid. She couldn't ask dumb questions.
John - Just go to the next verse.
Carson - I'll do it. Yes, you want her, look at her, you know you do It's possible she wants you too.
Teyla - Or course I have feelings for Aiden.
Rodney - Scrap the song this ain't goin work.
John - Ain't ain't a word.
Rodney - You mindless-
John - Loving-
Rodney - Monkey.
John - Monkey?
Rodney - Flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz, yep, that's you.
John - And you're the wicked witch?
Rodney - Ha ha.
John - Okay new song.
Rodney - What are you doing up on that chair?
John - I've got a whale of a tale to tell you lads. A whale of a tale or two, 'Bout the flappin fish and the girl's I've loved.
Rodney - Oh my god, are you going to do the butt wiggle too?
John - You spoil all my fun.
Rodney - Bring that butt over here. There better not be any girls, you're mine now.
Aiden - Awww, the Major's sitting in McKay's lap.
Teyla - Yet another image I need to drink away.
Carson - Lad take care of your gal and-
John/Rodney - Kiss the girl!
Teyla - What? Hmmmmmm, that's ymmmm better. There was one song I listened to on Aiden's machine before it was picked up by the Wraith. I'd like to dedicate this song to my new love.
'The whispers in the morning of loves sleeping tight
Are rolling like thunder now as I look in your eyes
I hold on to your body and feel each move you make
Your voice is warm and tender a love that I could not forsake.
'Cause I am your lady and you are my man
Whenever you reach for me I'll do all that I can
We're heading for something, somewhere I've never been
Sometimes I'm frighten but I'm ready to learn
of the power of love.'
Aiden - That was beautiful, love you baby.
Carson - Lovely. The guys are tearing up back here.
PJ pilot - Am not.
John - Rodney, are you crying darling?
Rodney - It's just I love Celine Dion songs.
John - That's cool babe.
***
Carson - We're closing in on Atlantis and shit, we've been followed by seven Wraith hiveships.
John - What?!
Elizabeth - Major, what do we do?
Rodney - We need the song to end all love songs.
Elizabeth - No you can't mean-
Rodney - Yes.
Radek - This is horrible idea, traumatize everyone.
John - It just might work, we have to try it.
Elizabeth - I'll get everyone to hold hands.
Kavanaugh - I refuse to be a part of this monstrosity.
Elizabeth - Then maybe you'd like to listen to the Wraith sing N'Sync songs?
Kavanaugh - Okay, okay.
Radek - I have us broadcasting now.
John - Everyone ready? Okay here we go.
Head Wraith - What is this? They think their singing will affect us, we have love dampening shields.
All of Atlantis plus the PJ crews - I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too!
Elizabeth - It's not working.
John - Just keep singing.
Everyone - I love you, you love me, we're best friends like friends should be. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too.
Rodney - It's not working, we're doomed.
Mangled Tongues
Recap – (I love you, you love me… we’re doomed.)
John – Snap out of it Rodney, there’s got to be a way.
Rodney – The song to end all love songs didn’t work, why didn’t it work?
John – Maybe people weren’t feeling it. A purple dino doesn’t do it for everyone, you know?
Aiden – Sir, perhaps there are other songs we could try.
Teyla – Maybe if we all sang different songs, the noise will pass through the shields they must have.
John – That may work. Elizabeth? Get people into groups and have them sing different songs, happy songs but not necessarily love songs, whatever they want.
Elizabeth – What will you be singing?
John – Monkees.
Elizabeth – Good luck everyone.
***
Wraith leader – Our shields have worked. Move in, we will take these humans, nothing can defeat us.
***
Radek (in a purple dress) – We are family…. I got all my sisters with me. We are family, everybody get up and sing.
***
Elizabeth (in a white dress) – Did I ever tell you you’re my hero. You’re everything, everything I wish I could be. Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings. ‘Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
***
John (who wishes he had a dress) – Hey, hey we’re the Monkees, and people say we monkey around. But we’re too busy singing, to put anybody down.
***
Aiden (who should wear a dress suit)/ Teyla (red dress) – Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?
***
Kavanaugh (who if I never see in a dress is too soon) – Pain is real, misery I feel, hate made me. I can’t break free.
***
Rodney (who snuck a dress on board the PJ) – Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings. The world, for once, in perfect harmony with all its living things.
***
Carson (in a kilt) – I’m with Aiden. Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends?
***
Wraith leader – What is wrong with our shields? Some of their singing is affecting us.
Wraith pilot – Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?
Wraith leader – Stop you’re flying our ship into the other ships. We’re going to crash!
***
Elizabeth – Thank you all. Once again, our singing has won the day!
***
Aiden – Sir. I’m bored.
Rodney – Here we go again.
The End