Fic: Choices Made
Mar. 20th, 2012 05:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
libra_travellerTitle: Choices Made
Author: libra_traveller
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Season 4-6
Summary: Castiel must choose between Dean and their child.
Author's Note: This goes AU after season six. I wrote it before season seven started. There is a sequel.
I don’t know when it began, when I finally made up my mind to lie. To decide him or her. It could have been when he rebuffed me. I knew he was in a great deal of pain. He had just lost his brother. But I had lost my brothers too. In a way, Michael and Lucifer had both betrayed me, and everything I stood for. To Dean, Sam’s betrayal was worse. As I had not lived a human life I couldn’t understand his pain. But it’s not like I hadn’t hid my emotions, put up a brave face, fought my own wars, as well as hid from my family, secreted my life away. These things he didn’t realize. I kept my pain to myself. Kept the love silent too, because it would be used against me.
Yet I kept my chin up, followed his orders, even when I thought them wrong. I chose him, and everything he stood for. I learned to not resent him for every near miss, every moment I thought she died, every time it seemed to be all over. I came back to fight again and again. Stayed strong. That meant I was nothing, felt nothing. I must have only faked my emotions, that the choices to go with his lead were worthless. I wasn’t loyal, according to him. I know that he resents me because of all my lies. But he doesn’t know the stakes, and I can’t risk telling him. She would have died and never had the opportunities I wanted for her.
I exhausted myself doing his bidding, going along with his cause. I spent more of my time protecting myself because I was afraid she’d get hurt. My child almost died along with me. She had already used up some of her grace to save me. I was learning how to love Dean. We were friends, and he means so much to her. But nothing I did was enough. No matter what bond I thought we had, he couldn’t give me anything. I asked him to trust me, but I couldn’t explain myself. I thought I’d earned and deserved that trust. I gave him everything over and over. I gave him her. Believing I might lose her, I still chose him.
I guess he could never conceive of me as a person. One who cared, had dreams, could feel and love. Someone who could hurt, suffer, and have desires that might be stolen. All I can think is that when it was his lover and the child he wished he had fathered, it meant everything to him. He could kill, torture and make rash decisions for them. I considered us partners. And I carried his child. But I doubt it would matter if he knew. He wouldn’t understand that our child means so much more because she came from his soul. I should have told him. But I just couldn’t.
***
I know that angels, and vessels, and human souls are hard to understand, and I’ll try to be brief. Humans have the capacity to connect with people using their souls, but they don’t have to be blood related. Their DNA doesn’t transfer, is not directly connected with the soul. The soul is like an extra gift. Regarding vessels, it’s not the bodies that matter, it’s the soul. And usually it follows through a family, but not always. It depends on those people within the family. Adam could be Michael’s vessel not because he had the same DNA as John, but because John loved him. Azazel chose Sam to be Lucifer’s vessel not because of any bloodline, truly he was the only possible choice. Sam was chosen because Azazel saw how much Dean loved his family. Loved his mother, and his father. In that meeting that took place before Dean was even born, he saw that Dean would love his brother with everything he had, the same way John loved his sons. It’s those connections between souls that are so bright that can be used as the most powerful weapons anyone could imagine.
As angels we can fuse our grace with those special shining souls, but each soul is only meant for a specific angel. A line that’s nurtured over time. An angel can never connect to a soul not meant for them. Or so I thought.
***
When I went to hell with my brothers to recover Dean’s soul, the extraction was supposed to be a group effort, carrying him, bouncing his soul between us, as it’s repelled like a magnet when it comes into direct contact with the wrong angel. And going in we knew, could sense as we got closer, and closer, that Dean’s soul was only meant for Michael, for an archangel.
It was so dark in hell. His soul was the only light. Most of my brothers had either been waylaid or killed, and it was just Uriel and I. For some reason Uriel couldn’t get close to him. Now I suspect he was only there to sabotage the mission. Now I question everything he did. He stayed back. Dean’s soul can only be described as feisty, and it wouldn’t let me near him. Our window of opportunity was closing and we needed to head back. I sent out a small part of my grace in hope it could get near him. I expected it to be pushed right back. And then I would demand Uriel help. But instead I found myself being drawn to Dean, the same way a black hole could bring me closer.
My grace is as bright as a star, but Dean’s soul is like thousands of galaxies, the more I looked inside, the more I expected my grace to catch on fire. I fell into him and was consumed.
I was so scared but I almost didn’t care because it was so beautiful. I kept thinking it was worth it. The struggle through hell, feeling all those broken souls crying out at me. It was amazing to be able to witness something so powerful. He was perfect. That should have been my last thought.
But as I felt my grace being swamped by him, I wasn’t destroyed. Instead he made room for me. That’s when I felt his pain and sorrow. I also realized what love what supposed to feel like. For all that I had witnessed, admired from afar, I never took any of it in. I felt pitiful. A waste of space and hate. Dean felt that too, from me. But he just smiled back and gave me love mixed in with his own self-hatred. He helped me realize that I too could love. In that moment I loved him. But soon enough Uriel was screaming. Dean released me, and then I pulled him through hell and back to Earth.
***
With all that we had shared, I expected he could see and hear me. I was at a loss to realize that no matter what happened in hell, he wasn’t meant for me, and I would never be able to connect my grace to his soul again. I didn’t expect to feel that pain. My connection to Jimmy’s soul was not a comparison worth making.
I learned quickly that Dean didn’t know me, couldn’t recall our bond. I felt a sadness that was new. It wasn’t until Anna clued me in to what Zachariah and the others were planning that I chose to help Dean. But I was attacked and pulled from my vessel.
I heard a scream that no one else could hear. I could taste her, something that felt like an angel’s grace but not. She reminded me of Dean. That’s when I realized that Dean had left something with me, a part of his soul that wrapped itself within my grace until it became its own entity.
As I was being pounded on by the grace of angels I’d thought were family, I realized I was carrying Dean’s child. I had never been so happy or scared at the same time. Somehow I made it out of that experience without them discovering her. She had known that though I screamed, she had to be absolutely quiet.
I came back to Earth to the clusterfuck that Jimmy had made while I was gone. I was so angry. I wasn’t very nice to his daughter. But then he begged me, begged me to free his daughter. So my child quieted my anger, reminded me to be compassionate.
Looking at Dean I then understood that though I wish I could share this secret with him, this beautiful surprise, I couldn’t tell him without putting her in danger. I needed to play whatever role would keep her safe.
In the end I found Dean fighting me. I was just looking out for the future of our child, one that she could exist in. But he told me that the only world worth living in, was one that was free, free to love, to hate, to make choices. My girl wanted to live in that world, not mine. I may have listened to Dean, but it was really her I paid attention to. Even if I feared it would be a world neither of us would ever see. The archangel came and I felt my grace shatter. My only wish was that she would survive. Yet her grace, her soul pulled me in and healed me. We lived. Though we had failed.
***
Dean and Sam were rescued. I’m certain it was Zachariah’s doing. Yet the war was on. Still, I finally realized what Dean meant. I met Ellen and Jo. Saw how important friendships could be. Dean tried to teach me how to be human. He kept doing what his soul had started. It was the best time of my existence, despite the near misses. Dean was happy, and she was so happy.
Then Ellen and Jo died, and Lucifer got to me during all of that. He saw her, and it made her scared. She stopped talking. I was devastated. Then Dean just flat gave up. I know he was grieving, but I couldn’t feel my child, and he made me so mad.
With one last stand against the angels, I found myself human. My child was dead.
Yet I kept going. Dean kept going. Sam, Bobby, all of us kept making plan after plan. I just followed along. Finally we had a chance. Yet it didn’t work, Sam was smothered by Lucifer’s grace, and Dean was dying.
I said something pathetic that nevertheless got Michael’s attention. But Lucifer’s anger destroyed me. My child wasn’t dead though, she’d been hiding. And her soul was now so powerful, she brought me back. I healed Dean. Revived Bobby. But Sam, oh Sam.
***
Dean loved Sam, so she and I went back into hell. She guided me, knew where Sam would be. And I fought and fought. Lucifer was back in the cage. At the door she called to Sam until he came, but the light in his soul was dimmed. Demons dragged us back to Earth. I couldn’t do anything but protect Sam. It was too late by the time I’d realized Lucifer had kept Sam’s soul.
She was screeching in pain after we confronted Raphael, and by then I could tell that she was dying. I went to Dean so she could say goodbye, her last wish. Crowley appeared, gave me hope, a way to save her. So I took the souls he offered, and gave her some more time to live. I couldn’t completely heal her though.
My plans to get the souls in purgatory kept being interrupted by Dean, Sam this, Sam that. Then I made a mistake, couldn’t keep my story straight, and was caught in a ring of holy fire. For a moment I couldn’t feel her. I thought she was truly gone, and I was so frightened. I asked time and again for Dean to listen to me, to trust me, and he wouldn’t. So I kept to my plan. Even Balthazar betrayed me.
***
All these souls are inside my vessel, the power too great, more powerful than me. I killed Raphael but she’s barely alive. I’m trying to heal her, but I can’t hear what’s happening. Dean is out there and I don’t know what to do.
Author: libra_traveller
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Season 4-6
Summary: Castiel must choose between Dean and their child.
Author's Note: This goes AU after season six. I wrote it before season seven started. There is a sequel.
I don’t know when it began, when I finally made up my mind to lie. To decide him or her. It could have been when he rebuffed me. I knew he was in a great deal of pain. He had just lost his brother. But I had lost my brothers too. In a way, Michael and Lucifer had both betrayed me, and everything I stood for. To Dean, Sam’s betrayal was worse. As I had not lived a human life I couldn’t understand his pain. But it’s not like I hadn’t hid my emotions, put up a brave face, fought my own wars, as well as hid from my family, secreted my life away. These things he didn’t realize. I kept my pain to myself. Kept the love silent too, because it would be used against me.
Yet I kept my chin up, followed his orders, even when I thought them wrong. I chose him, and everything he stood for. I learned to not resent him for every near miss, every moment I thought she died, every time it seemed to be all over. I came back to fight again and again. Stayed strong. That meant I was nothing, felt nothing. I must have only faked my emotions, that the choices to go with his lead were worthless. I wasn’t loyal, according to him. I know that he resents me because of all my lies. But he doesn’t know the stakes, and I can’t risk telling him. She would have died and never had the opportunities I wanted for her.
I exhausted myself doing his bidding, going along with his cause. I spent more of my time protecting myself because I was afraid she’d get hurt. My child almost died along with me. She had already used up some of her grace to save me. I was learning how to love Dean. We were friends, and he means so much to her. But nothing I did was enough. No matter what bond I thought we had, he couldn’t give me anything. I asked him to trust me, but I couldn’t explain myself. I thought I’d earned and deserved that trust. I gave him everything over and over. I gave him her. Believing I might lose her, I still chose him.
I guess he could never conceive of me as a person. One who cared, had dreams, could feel and love. Someone who could hurt, suffer, and have desires that might be stolen. All I can think is that when it was his lover and the child he wished he had fathered, it meant everything to him. He could kill, torture and make rash decisions for them. I considered us partners. And I carried his child. But I doubt it would matter if he knew. He wouldn’t understand that our child means so much more because she came from his soul. I should have told him. But I just couldn’t.
***
I know that angels, and vessels, and human souls are hard to understand, and I’ll try to be brief. Humans have the capacity to connect with people using their souls, but they don’t have to be blood related. Their DNA doesn’t transfer, is not directly connected with the soul. The soul is like an extra gift. Regarding vessels, it’s not the bodies that matter, it’s the soul. And usually it follows through a family, but not always. It depends on those people within the family. Adam could be Michael’s vessel not because he had the same DNA as John, but because John loved him. Azazel chose Sam to be Lucifer’s vessel not because of any bloodline, truly he was the only possible choice. Sam was chosen because Azazel saw how much Dean loved his family. Loved his mother, and his father. In that meeting that took place before Dean was even born, he saw that Dean would love his brother with everything he had, the same way John loved his sons. It’s those connections between souls that are so bright that can be used as the most powerful weapons anyone could imagine.
As angels we can fuse our grace with those special shining souls, but each soul is only meant for a specific angel. A line that’s nurtured over time. An angel can never connect to a soul not meant for them. Or so I thought.
***
When I went to hell with my brothers to recover Dean’s soul, the extraction was supposed to be a group effort, carrying him, bouncing his soul between us, as it’s repelled like a magnet when it comes into direct contact with the wrong angel. And going in we knew, could sense as we got closer, and closer, that Dean’s soul was only meant for Michael, for an archangel.
It was so dark in hell. His soul was the only light. Most of my brothers had either been waylaid or killed, and it was just Uriel and I. For some reason Uriel couldn’t get close to him. Now I suspect he was only there to sabotage the mission. Now I question everything he did. He stayed back. Dean’s soul can only be described as feisty, and it wouldn’t let me near him. Our window of opportunity was closing and we needed to head back. I sent out a small part of my grace in hope it could get near him. I expected it to be pushed right back. And then I would demand Uriel help. But instead I found myself being drawn to Dean, the same way a black hole could bring me closer.
My grace is as bright as a star, but Dean’s soul is like thousands of galaxies, the more I looked inside, the more I expected my grace to catch on fire. I fell into him and was consumed.
I was so scared but I almost didn’t care because it was so beautiful. I kept thinking it was worth it. The struggle through hell, feeling all those broken souls crying out at me. It was amazing to be able to witness something so powerful. He was perfect. That should have been my last thought.
But as I felt my grace being swamped by him, I wasn’t destroyed. Instead he made room for me. That’s when I felt his pain and sorrow. I also realized what love what supposed to feel like. For all that I had witnessed, admired from afar, I never took any of it in. I felt pitiful. A waste of space and hate. Dean felt that too, from me. But he just smiled back and gave me love mixed in with his own self-hatred. He helped me realize that I too could love. In that moment I loved him. But soon enough Uriel was screaming. Dean released me, and then I pulled him through hell and back to Earth.
***
With all that we had shared, I expected he could see and hear me. I was at a loss to realize that no matter what happened in hell, he wasn’t meant for me, and I would never be able to connect my grace to his soul again. I didn’t expect to feel that pain. My connection to Jimmy’s soul was not a comparison worth making.
I learned quickly that Dean didn’t know me, couldn’t recall our bond. I felt a sadness that was new. It wasn’t until Anna clued me in to what Zachariah and the others were planning that I chose to help Dean. But I was attacked and pulled from my vessel.
I heard a scream that no one else could hear. I could taste her, something that felt like an angel’s grace but not. She reminded me of Dean. That’s when I realized that Dean had left something with me, a part of his soul that wrapped itself within my grace until it became its own entity.
As I was being pounded on by the grace of angels I’d thought were family, I realized I was carrying Dean’s child. I had never been so happy or scared at the same time. Somehow I made it out of that experience without them discovering her. She had known that though I screamed, she had to be absolutely quiet.
I came back to Earth to the clusterfuck that Jimmy had made while I was gone. I was so angry. I wasn’t very nice to his daughter. But then he begged me, begged me to free his daughter. So my child quieted my anger, reminded me to be compassionate.
Looking at Dean I then understood that though I wish I could share this secret with him, this beautiful surprise, I couldn’t tell him without putting her in danger. I needed to play whatever role would keep her safe.
In the end I found Dean fighting me. I was just looking out for the future of our child, one that she could exist in. But he told me that the only world worth living in, was one that was free, free to love, to hate, to make choices. My girl wanted to live in that world, not mine. I may have listened to Dean, but it was really her I paid attention to. Even if I feared it would be a world neither of us would ever see. The archangel came and I felt my grace shatter. My only wish was that she would survive. Yet her grace, her soul pulled me in and healed me. We lived. Though we had failed.
***
Dean and Sam were rescued. I’m certain it was Zachariah’s doing. Yet the war was on. Still, I finally realized what Dean meant. I met Ellen and Jo. Saw how important friendships could be. Dean tried to teach me how to be human. He kept doing what his soul had started. It was the best time of my existence, despite the near misses. Dean was happy, and she was so happy.
Then Ellen and Jo died, and Lucifer got to me during all of that. He saw her, and it made her scared. She stopped talking. I was devastated. Then Dean just flat gave up. I know he was grieving, but I couldn’t feel my child, and he made me so mad.
With one last stand against the angels, I found myself human. My child was dead.
Yet I kept going. Dean kept going. Sam, Bobby, all of us kept making plan after plan. I just followed along. Finally we had a chance. Yet it didn’t work, Sam was smothered by Lucifer’s grace, and Dean was dying.
I said something pathetic that nevertheless got Michael’s attention. But Lucifer’s anger destroyed me. My child wasn’t dead though, she’d been hiding. And her soul was now so powerful, she brought me back. I healed Dean. Revived Bobby. But Sam, oh Sam.
***
Dean loved Sam, so she and I went back into hell. She guided me, knew where Sam would be. And I fought and fought. Lucifer was back in the cage. At the door she called to Sam until he came, but the light in his soul was dimmed. Demons dragged us back to Earth. I couldn’t do anything but protect Sam. It was too late by the time I’d realized Lucifer had kept Sam’s soul.
She was screeching in pain after we confronted Raphael, and by then I could tell that she was dying. I went to Dean so she could say goodbye, her last wish. Crowley appeared, gave me hope, a way to save her. So I took the souls he offered, and gave her some more time to live. I couldn’t completely heal her though.
My plans to get the souls in purgatory kept being interrupted by Dean, Sam this, Sam that. Then I made a mistake, couldn’t keep my story straight, and was caught in a ring of holy fire. For a moment I couldn’t feel her. I thought she was truly gone, and I was so frightened. I asked time and again for Dean to listen to me, to trust me, and he wouldn’t. So I kept to my plan. Even Balthazar betrayed me.
***
All these souls are inside my vessel, the power too great, more powerful than me. I killed Raphael but she’s barely alive. I’m trying to heal her, but I can’t hear what’s happening. Dean is out there and I don’t know what to do.