Fic: Operation 'Get Kavanagh Laid'

[libra_traveller]

Title: Operation 'Get Kavanagh Laid'
Author: libra_traveller
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Rodney
Warning: Bad Poetry
Summary: John and Rodney work together to get Kavanagh laid, why? I don't remember.
Author's Note: A dialogue driven story


"You want me to do WHAT?!"

"Just help me, he's been a pain since he got here, but maybe if we just-"

"No way in hell am I helping you find someone for Kavanagh to sleep with. This is insanity, no sane person would get near him."

"Oh come on, he's not that bad."

"Then you sleep with him!"

"I've offered but he doesn't like men."

"You've what? So wait, you like men?"

"Your point being?"

"Well forget Kavanagh, I need to get laid."

"Sorry I'm not offering."

***

"Alright, fine. I'll help you."

"Thank you."

"Just so you know, you owe me."

"Please. You're still not getting any."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Hey you, come here."

"Sir?"

"What do you think about Kavanagh?"

"That greasy, maniacal, arrogant, two-faced hypocrite?"

"So you find those traits attractive in a man?"

"Wait, what is this about?"

"We want you to sleep with him."

"Forget it."

"Oh come on, that pony-tail is the epitome of sexiness."

"That didn't work."

"No kidding."

"So back to us…?"

"Not happening."

"Darn."

"Oh hey, how are you?"

"Good. How can I help you?"

"Well to be honest, our dear friend Kavanagh has been rather, depressed lately. We were wondering if we could find him a lady friend. To cheer him up."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"Any chance you're interested? In him I mean."

"If he were the last freak in the galaxy, I might consider it."

"Wow, so he has a chance then."

"Well that's something. So do you know anyone who might not need the devastation of an entire galaxy to do him?"

"Nope sorry."

"That went better, but I do see this taking a great deal of effort."

"Here comes another one, put on your pitiful look."

"Pitiful! Whenever have I looked pitiful?"

"Think Elizabeth and shush."

"You stupid obnoxious, pitiful, please."

"I said shush. Hello."

"Yes?"

"Kavanagh?"

"No way in hell."

"What was that?"

"Short-hand."

"Let me try."

"Go right ahead."

"My beautiful lady, are you by any chance desperate and have little qualms spending time with an ugly duckling?"

"Sorry, you're not my type."

"Hey! Not me, I didn't mean me."

"Oh, that was great."

"Shut up."

"My turn. Hi. You know, I have this great friend who, not him, who's looking to date. I just recalled how nice you've always been. Would you be interested in say, a blind date?"

"Why not?"

"It's Kavanagh."

"Oh gross, no thank you."

"Dammit why did you have to ruin it."

"A blind date, very sneaky, but unfair to the poor lady."

"Do you honestly think we can find someone to sleep with him? We can't even find him a date."

"No. This is hopeless."

"This is also making me horny."

"Back off."

"Please?"

"No."

"Here's someone. Hey girl, I've got a guy for you. No, not him, sheesh."

"I might be intrigued, who?"

"The handsome, well-meaning Kavanagh."

"Kavanagh really, I've always had the hots for him."

"Really?"

"As if."

"How old are you two?"

"Be quiet."

"I don't like him, but I think I know someone who might."

"Who is she?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Always."

"Weir."

"What?!"

"Yep. Go ask her if she'll–"

"Sleep with Kavanagh? You know what she'll do to us if we even hinted at wanting her to disgrace herself with that misfit?"

"Damn, I so wanted to see you ask her."

"Get out of here."

"So Liz?"

"No way."

"Didn't think so."

"Okay, I give up. Ravish me."

"Hail Mary."

***

"Oi, what's this?"

"It's a sign-up sheet, for everybody willing to help in this secret operation."

"And what may I ask ye bloody fools makes ye think I'll help in this crack plan?"

"Oh come on, you got to help, please."

"Maybe if ye tell me where you got that hickey from."

"What?! Hickey. Damn you, you had to give me a hickey?"

"Well you said to ravish you."

"Humph."

"No one else has signed yet."

"We came to you first, if enough people sign it, we can use it as a recommendation to every lady we come across."

"I don't see how this will work and this operation is absurd."

"Well we're starting small. For now it's just about getting him a decent date. We found that that in itself is hard enough."

"Fine I'll sign it, but only if you get her to sign it first."

"Crap."

"Hello."

"What are you three up to?"

"Would you be willing to sign this request for more chocolate for the next shipping?"

"Tell her the truth lad or I won't sign it."

"Fine. We're looking for help to get Kavanagh a date. Everyone who signs is verifying that they think he's a nice fellow worth dating."

"Oh is that all. Of course I'll sign. Keep me informed how it goes."

"Wow that was too easy."

"Maybe that girl was right. She does like him."

"Not likely boys. Okay, a promise is a promise, I'll sign."

"Thank you."

"One down. Forty-nine more to go. We have to have at least fifty."

"Good luck."

"So who should we go after next?"

"I'm not sure, maybe we should take a break first."

"What?"

"Well I saw a nice storage closet on the way here."

"Ah, why not?"

"It's a little crowded. Hey watch the elbow."

"Sorry. Move closer. Yeah like that."

"This is really humiliating, what if we get caught?"

"No one's going to come in here. So stop talking."

"Hey, mmmmm. You taste delicious."

"Mint toothpaste."

"Nice."

"Okay, let's get back out there. The sheet won't sign itself."

"Well, move out."

"One last kiss first?"

"At your command."

"Okay. Space, blessed space."

"You know, there's something to be said for privacy."

"Not complaining. Much."

"So, to the labs? If we get enough signatures of people that work with him that ought to take care of it."

"Good idea, let's go."

"We're here. Now what?"

"Try him."

"Hi. Can I help you?"

"Yes, sign this."

"Why?"

"Our mission's at the top."

"Huh. To convince a woman to boldly go where no woman has gone before."

"Exactly."

"Which is where?"

"Down–"

"On a date with Kavanagh."

"Yeah, I can see where you'd need help. Here."

"You'll be rewarded."

"Having Kavanagh no longer in a permanent snit will be reward enough. Good luck."

"We'll need it."

"Who else? Him perhaps."

"Howdy. Would you be willing to help us on our quest to make a man out of Kavanagh?"

"Are you implying I'm a girl?!"

"Shit, run for it."

"Ahhhh. No leave me, go, go."

"What is this? Find Kavanagh a Woman. Excuse me, but I don't need your help, I can get one myself."

"On guard."

"What, I told you to go."

"We don't leave a man behind."

"Oh how noble. Are you a part of this?"

"Yes. Now fight or unhand him."

"Like I want my hands on someone so idiotic."

"What? I'm smarter than you."

"Shut up, he's letting us go."

"You're right. Hurry up before he changes his mind."

"This isn't over!"

"Whew. That was close."

"Too close. Kiss me?"

"With pleasure."

"Ew gross."

"Sorry. Are we interrupting?"

"We'll just take this elsewhere. Oh wait, are either of you interested in dating Kavanagh?"

"Ick."

"No."

"Ah well."

"Why are we still trying to help him when he almost destroyed us?"

"Because it is our duty to fulfill-"

"You just think if we get him laid then you'll get laid in the process."

"Pretty much."

"Silly man."

"Tricks are for rabbits?"

"It's a wonder that I love you."

"Wait, you love me?"

"Did I say that?"

"Do you love me?"

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"I love you too."

"Now we just have to find someone to love Kavanagh."

"I'm sure we'll find someone."

"Yeah. At least we have each other."

"Yeah. Let's go somewhere private, so I can show you how much I love you."

"Lead on."

***

"Enough already. Let's just give up on the sign-up sheet. It wasn't believable anyways."

"And Kavanagh was pretty ticked when he found it."

"You just had to remind me. Ideas people?"

"Order him playboys."

"Thank you for that image, but let's not."

"We need to find him a nice bonny lass."

"Easier said than, ow."

"Please continue."

"As I was saying, someone who hasn't met him yet."

"That won't matter. I'm sure the women have warned the new recruits about him."

"So we need to cast him in a good light."

"We could call him down to the control room to fix something."

"Then in the mess we sing his praises."

"Minor snag. What is he good at?"

"Huh."

"It is a valid question."

"Come on, you both work with him."

"It's not like we go to him for advice."

"He is always getting in the way."

"There must be something lads."

"He's good at code."

"But who isn't?"

"Good point."

"If he doesn't do anything why the hell is he here?"

"He's very good at what he does."

"Which is what?"

"I don't know!"

"In the lab he critiques others' work. He has strong head for finding error and fixing problems."

"Then doesn't it stand to reason that if someone made a drastic mistake, he'd spot it and probably know how to undo it?"

"Yes, yes. I got it."

"Finally. What's the plan?"

"Okay, I want you to find Kavanagh and make sure he's on call."

"Right. On it."

"Now you, go and flirt with all the girls you come across. Get them to follow you to the control room."

"What do you think I am?"

"A gorgeous man? Yes, you were very helpful. Now go, and don't forget to smile.

"What are we doing?"

"We're going to fake a multi-system crash. Kavanagh is going to not only save our hard earned work but also prevent the city from sinking."

"Your really think this will work?"

"Don't you have faith in me?"

"No. What if he screws this up?"

"Hah. This is fool proof."

"Good thing then that he is a fool."

***

"Is he in there?"

"Yes, he's working on something."

"Well make sure he stays there, if he comes out, stall him, we're almost ready."

"Aie, I will."

"How are the girls coming?"

"Well, I was my usual charming self, but none of them took the bait."

"Did you smile?"

"Yes I smiled, but women from Earth seem to be immune to it."

"Damn. Oh! Tell them the Daedulus is beaming in a shipment of chocolate."

"That's just mean."

"Lad, just tell them you needed company. Say you're feeling lonely. The lass will want to bring her friends along to cheer you up."

"I'll try it."

"He's on the move, what do I do?"

"Stop him!"

"This is not going to work. The systems have so many backups to prevent failure. Anything we do will be apparent in its falsehood."

"Be optimistic. How about a temporary short out?"

"These are not Earth circuits they do not short out."

"Wait, you remember how in Antarctica we had trouble in the beginning with making our computers compatible with Ancient technology?"

"Yes, we solved it by entering a program that converted our 1s and 0s into Ancient code."

"Right. What if we used a program not converted and interfaced it with our primary system–"

"It will start a shut down–"

"Temporarily. And in that time we get Kavanagh–"

"To work on it and then it fixes itself and he gets the credit."

"Brilliant, I know."

"We must first warn Elizabeth. If we assure her it's temporary then she'll let us do it."

"Absolutely not. Of all the hare-brained schemes you two have come up with, this just takes it. My answer is no."

"But–"

"No."

"Unscheduled off-world activation."

"What is it now?"

"Lad, My Little Pony is headed your way, I couldn't stop him."

"We're not ready!"

"Sorry."

"Help! Too many girls I can't get away from them."

"Just calm down, breathe. Where are you?"

"Hiding in a storage closet, they just came at me all at once awwing and there was nothing I could do, I ran."

"Breathe. Dang it. We'll come to rescue you, just hold on."

"Which hallway lad? I'm coming."

"The one with all the girls!"

"Right, steady breathing. Keep talking to him, I think he's having a panic attack."

"No shit."

"Heard that. Wouldn't you panic?"

"If I had a bunch of girls fawning over me, no, I'd be in heaven."

"Right. I should be happy surrounded by a mob of drooling women telling me they're going to make me brighten up like the sun while molesting me."

"Okay, I admit that's a bit extreme. Ack, he's here."

"Who?"

"My Little Pony."

"What's he doing in the control room?"

"Who knows, but he's interfering with the drama going on here. Oh and Elizabeth vetoed Operation `GKL'."

"What, I thought she was on our side?"

"Well she's not anymore."

"Okay, girls that's enough, shoo, on your way."

"Finally."

"Laddie, are you alright?"

"Just a little traumatized, nothing to write Earth about."

"Stop! What are you doing? Get away from the controls, you ninny."

"I'm disconnecting the gate, what do you think I'm doing? We have to stop it or the power blasting through the wormhole will blow up the controls."

"Yes, but that is not the right sequence, let me."

"Fine. You do it, but next time you need MY help maybe I'll just not be around."

"That would be best."

"Argh. Fine."

"Yes, MLP."

"What did you call me?"

"Nothing."

"Just go, I'm sure you have other work to be doing."

"Ah, fixed. Wait, come back here. I have an idea, let's just pretend that you did important work of shutting off stargate, yes?"

"Why would we say that? I'm highly important to this facility, I don't need to lie about my participation."

"You ever want to get laid?"

"What do I do?"

"Just let us tell all the girls that you saved the day."

"You think that'll work?"

"It might, it really might."

"Fine, um, let's not really lie, just say that I helped you guys."

"Yes, help, good."

"Alright, did you hear? Operation `GKL' is back on."

"Aie, I heard."

"No way am I going near those girls again."

"Don't worry sweetheart, we'll take care of it. You did great though."

"Right. Whatever. See you in my quarters."

"See you then."

"Sweetheart?"

"We're calling you My Little Pony?"

"Ugh, got to run."

"Bye."

"That went better than one would of thought."

"Don't all my plans work? Don't answer that."

"It was a good idea, even if she refused to let us implement it."

"Thanks."

"Night."

"Night. Tomorrow, be in the mess hall."

"Right. Bye."

***

"Here goes nothing. Hear ye hear ye."

"What's he on about?"

"Shush and listen."

"Gentle folk of the mess,
Listen to our tale
Of how Kavanagh's the best."

"Oh this has got to be good. That jerk. Who put you up to this?"

"Argh."

"Let me try. Yes, I know, hard to believe
but we're here to make you see
how wonderful a guy this lad can be."

"All is true in this here story
None of it is falsified glory
Our friend is a hero
He's no longer a zero
in our hearts,
And when he parts
from this here room
Know he prevented us from doom."

"Wait, what happened, I don't remember anything?!"

"Now let's begin
What did he do that makes him kin?
The stargate did open, sending
powerful waves of radiation.
Though our shield was in place
Our equipment was ready to blow
up in our face."

"Our brave friend
he did attempt to find a way
to save the day."

"But he did fail
as our Czeck
was about to hit the deck
or make Kavanagh sail."

"As it turns out
It was actually Kavanagh's shout
that gave Radek the thought
to change the code
that saved our abode
Who would think that if they hadn't fought
Then all our work would be nought
As we would be dead
Making the fishies plump and fed."

"Lovely image man!"

"Thank you."

"This is how things went down
In our neck of the town
The control room
did not go boom,
So all say brava
for Saint Kavanagh."

"Oh god, was that the best you could do?"

"Yes."

"Well you get an A for effort."

"But a bloody F for product."

"Hey, is it our fault you refused to help us?"

"Yeah, if any of you can do better I dare you to try."

"Sure. Kavanagh is sucky.
He was just lucky."

"I resent that. It was not pure luck but well thought out strategy."

"Whatever man, you know if Radek wasn't there we'd all be dead."

"At least I tried! Where were you during the crisis?"

"Um, I was uh..."

"Exactly."

"Okay, what is this all about? Would you two get off the table?"

"Sorry ma'am."

"Everyone, if you're not eatting, go back to work. Now."

"Bye."

"Ma'am."

"Sir. Ma'am."

"Now gentleman, what was going on?"

"We were just reciting poetry, that's all."

"Part of Operation GKL by any chance?"

"Maybe."

"Did it work?"

"Not really."

"Too bad, I really shouldn't have made that bet."

"There's a bet for when I'm going to get laid!"

"Could you be any louder?"

"Maybe."

"Giggle."

"Ugh, go away."

"Not going to get laid if you push the girls away."

"Shut up."

"No the bet was for when you'd get a date."

"I'd date you."

"Lesa?"

"I find you to be a very bright and courageous man, William."

"Then follow me."

"Someone's getting lucky tonight."

"Finally. Operation Get Kavanagh Laid is now officially over."