Fic: High on Life

[libra_traveller]

Title: HIGH on Life
Authors: MurdocsAngel and libra_traveller
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Too numerous to count.
Disclaimer: We have no affiliation with either SGA or Capital One.
Summary: The Atlanteans will do anything to make friends in the Pegasus galaxy... including serving themselves up as sex symbols.



Well hello, this is libra_traveller.

Hi! This is MurdocsAngel


OMG!!!


What???


I just had a great idea, Rodney should be caught trying to do Elvis impersonations.


Part I Thank you, Thank you very much


"Doctor McKay, why are you speaking as such? And why are you moving your arm around like that?" Teyla asks.

Rodney turning bright red, "Uh...it's the way we Earth scientists study things..."

Ford, comes in, having caught him in the doorway, and starts grinning.

"What are you grinning about? Shouldn't you be doing guard duty or whatever it is you soldiers do?"

"Nope, I've been relieved."

"Oh well...in that case...I've got a lot of work to do, so if you could just go on..."

Teyla turns to Ford, "Lt. I don't understand, McKay just said 'Thank you, Thank you very much' using an odd accent?"

Ford suddenly bursts out laughing, holding his sides, unable to breath. Rodney gets even redder. John comes in having also been following this exchange and asks Rodney if he knows the dance too.

Rodney gets all huffy in his embarrassment. "Very funny Sheppard. Maybe instead of worrying about me, you should see to Ford. He's starting to turn blue."

Teyla is still looking confused. Ford falls down to the ground rolling around and it is to this that Elizabeth and Carson walk in.

"What's going on?" Elizabeth asks.

John in a moment of insanity starts doing disco, and Rodney says, "NO! That's so not Elvis, like this..." and starts dancing.

Part II Get Nekkid

Elizabeth raises her eyebrows, and Carson joins Ford on the floor, rolling around laughing.

Zelenka walks in having wanted to ask Rodney something, screeches and runs right back out, shouting "I'm scarred for life".

Elizabeth shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "And here I thought I had left pre-adolescent boys at home."

Sheppard grins, pats her on the back. "You know you love us."

Elizabeth starts to respond, then stops when she notices several people suddenly breathing down her neck. "Who are you?"

Rodney stops dancing and suddenly shrieks like a little girl. "Oh no! It's the shippers! Run!"

Elizabeth blinks, people momentarily forgotten. "Shippers, you mean sailors? We left them down with Grodin, they keep claiming to be pirates, saying 'me matey' and stuff.

Sheppard smacks his forehead with his hand. "I knew I forgot about something!"

Sheppard runs away to warn people to start hiding their jewelry and other belongings.

Rodney is still screaming like a little girl, and Teyla is still looking confused. Aiden sobers up a little and sits up. "Jeeze! McKay! Cut it out!"

"Stop them, they're trying to take my pants off," Rodney yelps. Elizabeth looks up suddenly.

Carson falls into another fit of laughter, his face turning red from lack of oxygen. "Hey! Those aren't your pants! They're...Colonel Carter's...".

Rodney looks guilty for a moment. "I uh...she gave them to me...yeah...".

John returns covered in the crew's jewelry, people thinking that he would protect their belongings. "McKay I thought you told me last night, how you snuck into her house when she was sleeping to steal them, and that she almost shot you."

Rodney glares at John. "I told you that in the strictest of confidences! Plus, I was drunk. What kind of person repeats what a drunk person says under the influence?"

"You weren't drunk when you broke into *Sammy's* bedroom."

Rodney scoffs. "No, but I was drunk last...you are quite evil, did you know that?"

Elizabeth rolls her eyes. "Okay, I'm going to...John why are you wearing all that jewelry?"

"Oh um, people were just throwing it at me, they think its Mardi Gras, or something."

"Mardi Gras?" Ford asks suddenly. "It's Mardi Gras! Yeah! Everybody get naked!"

Part III Boxers or Briefs

Carson stops laughing and sits up. "No! There's a very real danger that everyone could be blinded if you do that!"

Rodney adds, "Besides, our representatives from PJK 555, will be arriving, they're bringing their grandmother."

Ford nods soberly. "Well in that case...Everybody get naked!"

Elizabeth frowns and looks at him suspiciously. "You're drunk, aren't you?"

Teyla puts her hand to her head and frowns. "All of this is...very confusing..." But Teyla starts slipping her new dress off anyways, and all the men turn and just watch.

Elizabeth quickly stops Teyla. "Lt. Ford does not mean what he says, Teyla." All the men snap their fingers in disappointment, except Carson who noticed that Teyla's new lingerie type bra is one she must have borrowed from Weir.

Carson stares and frowns. "Hey! I thought you said I was the only one allowed to borrow your underwear, Elizabeth."

All the men look at Carson in shock, then turn back to Liz when she starts snickering. Teyla looks put out.

Rodney frowns. "You let him borrow your underwear? I thought we were friends. Why didn't you tell me?" He starts pouting. Sheppard rolls his eyes.

Carson glares at Liz "It was only her boxers, those ones with Tasmanian devils."

Elizabeth's eyes widen in horror and she quietly mutters, "You swore not to mention those. Now John's going to kill me, and start asking if I have Bugs Bunny too."

John shook his head. "I am not going to kill you," he objected. Then, "Do you have Bugs Bunny boxers too?"

Rodney was still pouting. "I'm going to start dancing again!" he threatens.

Fangirls start clapping and jeering him on.

Teyla frowns and pulls him off to the side. "Maybe you should continue dancing elsewhere," she orders.

Part IV Love and Peace

Rodney sexily says "I can show you some moves." Teyla pushes him away and slaps him on the ass, thinking of spanking children not realizing it would turn him on, and heads back to the group.

John stares at them with his mouth open. "Woah...I didn't know you had feelings for McKay, Teyla."

Elizabeth shakes her head. "Men. C'mon Carson. I'll let you borrow my Darkwing Duck boxers." She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

Just then the Stargate activates and a wormhole swooshes out. Grodin, who was followed by the 'pirates' says, "Grandma's here".

Ford falls over laughing again. "Ha ha! That's so funny! Grandma's here! Ha ha ha!"

A really old lady walks through with a cane, goes over to Ford, and starts squeezing his right cheek, saying "Now aren't you the cutest thing."

Ford grins and hugs the little old lady. "Grandma! You're here! I missed you soooo much!"

Grodin shakes his head. "Will someone get the drunk soldier out of here?" Teyla runs forward, trying to get the lady off her man.

Rodney frowns as he watches Teyla run forward. "I thought I was her man...".

John frowns. "I thought I was."

Weir, "What!! She said she was a lesbian like me!!! Oops."

Carson, pulling on the Darkwing Duck boxers over his pants looks up and says, "You said that was in the past Elizabeth!"

Everybody else just shrugs, and there's a chorus of, "We knew that."

Carson turns and his eyes widen, and he whispers, "What?"

Grodin pats him on the shoulder. "The boyfriend's always the last to know..." he shakes his head in sympathy.

Rodney walks over to Beckett and comfortingly leads a sobbing Carson out of the room.

Elizabeth sighs. "I didn't mean to hurt him but...all's fair in love and war!" She runs over and pulls Teyla off of Ford and the old lady. "Mine!"

John shouts, "War and Peace was a better book!!" Grodin raises an eyebrow, "What, I'm almost finished! With the first chapter...".

Part V Spamming

Ford looks confused. "Nuh uh! The Cat and the Hat was!"

Rodney returns spouting, "Sam I am, and I like spam, I mean ham."

Elizabeth lets go of Teyla and glomps Rodney. "I love spam too! We're meant to be together!" Teyla starts crying.

Zelenka who had been lurking around taking photographs, jumps in. "Teyla, sweety, why so glum, you should know by now that us real Brits are better."

Peter growls. "Except that you're a Czech!"

"But she didn't know that!!!!!!!"

MA suddenly pops up from out of nowhere and grabs Zelenka in a stranglehold. "And you’re mine!"

Bates storms in and frees Zelenka, then LT rushes from behind blue curtains, and hangs off Bates' arms. "You're my hero!”

MA grabs Zelenka again now that Bates is distracted. Bates struggles to get free of LT. Elizabeth, drops Rodney and runs over, debating on whether she wants to free them or claim them for herself.

John grabs Zelenka away from MA. "He's mine, you you...person thing!"

The pirates spot John and all the lute that's hanging off of him. They start to storm him, and John pulls his Capital One card out, the pirates stop.

Then Rodney shouts, "That's Vikings you idiot." And the pirates tackle John.

MA grins widely, and grabs Zelenka again before saying, "Actually, it stops any looters...".

Zelenka smiles at her, "You are so intelligent, muah!”

Part VI Dropping Trou

MA passes out and falls into a blissful coma. The pirates ignore MA and continue to loot John's jewelry and clothing.

The little old lady gets offended by this and goes and hits John over the head with a hand bag that Carson left.

John, "Ow, lady, what the heck was that for, I can't help it if everybody wants my bod."

Carson comes running back into the room and kisses Elizabeth. "I don't care if you are a lesbian! I still love you! Because you're the only person who lets me borrow their underwear! Rodney refuses to share Daniel's bikinis with me."

John, after pulling his pants back on frowns. "Let me get this straight. You have Carter's pants, O'Neill's undershirt, Teal'c's dead symbiote and Daniel's bikini's? They're gonna be so pissed when they find out...".

"Yes well, Jonas taught me how to speed read...".

MA wakes up, holding on to Zelenka's pant leg and frowns. "What does that have to do with anything?" The pirates knock her back out.

McKay begins rambling about how he was able to quickly read all of Sam Carter's personal journals without her even noticing.

John, "So? Everybody knows what they say, Daniel wrote them up and posted them to intelligenthookers.com".

Rodney scowls. "That bastard! He promised those were our little secret!"

Ford, no longer drunk suddenly clutches his head. "Ohhhh...Man...next
time I go to drink...somebody stop me...Hey! Carson!" glares at Dr. Beckett as he holds Elizabeth, "I thought you loved me?"

Beckett, "All my patients think I love them, how many times do I have to say that you don't need to drop your trousers as soon as I close the curtain?!"

Elizabeth shakes her head. "And if Carson loves anyone, it's me. So, go get your own boy-toy!"

Part VII Sex Appeal

Everyone else growls at Elizabeth, pissed that she wants to keep the Doctor to herself.

Elizabeth growls back and holds Carson protectively. "Lets go and I'll let you see my Madonna collection...".

John, "But lizzy baby, darlin... I can get you someone better, you'll be a star...".

Elizabeth shakes her head. "No. That's what Simon said...after he told me he was a judge on American Idol. Then all he talked about was how I should change my hair, stop acting like a broadway 'thespian'. That's when I decided to let him go spitting out 'I'm not a thespian, I'm a lesbian, get it straight you metro sexual!'"

Carson sighed. "Well...I think I'm gonna go hide away from everyone until I stop being attacked...". The pirates attack Carson when he says this.

The old woman walks up to Dr. Weir and says, "I like it very much here, I will join this alliance, where do I sign?"

Elizabeth grins and holds out the treaty, muttering "Sex appeal always gets them."

Fini

Murdocs Angel, "So what do you think, Rodney in an Elvis costume should be a hit."

Libra_traveller, "Especially if he pays for it with his Capital One card."